Let me set the mood with music….

I’m goin’ under y’all!!! I’m spooked and I dont deny it. Some of the SB’s think I’m over reacting, but I really dont care. I’ve gotten a wake up call and I’m no longer living in la-la land.

Lemme explain. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE pictures. I love taking them at every event, I love to capture every moment possible cause you’ll never get that moment back (and with my jacked up memory, I better have a record!) I came into this blogging game to keep up with my girls when we had kind of drifted apart, and ended up making a lot of good friends along the way. It had never occurred to me that posting my picture on the web would end up being a bad thing. I know, I know. A lot of you are probably saying, “Well DUH!! How could you NOT know that?!!” I really dont know. I have no excuse, but I really didnt think about it.

Well, some how I’ve acquired my 4th stalker over a 2 year period. I suppose he’s come to take the empty spot that lip fungus work guy left open when he moved out of the area (click here to read about smeagol.) Guess where this new stalker is from…no, not my job. No, not Myspace. No, not bloggerland….I’ll just tell you (you’re kinda slow…LOL!). He’s from EVITE!!! I KNOW! Evite! Never would’ve even guessed that stalking would’ve originated from Evite. I mean, last I checked, Evite was a place for sending out online invitations to friends/family. I could be wrong, but that’s what I thought it was for. Okay…where was I?? Oh yeah!

Yesterday I RSVP’d for a friends housewarming party, and I have my picture on my evite profile. Today I get an Evite inbox message (hadnt ever used that functionality since I set up my evite account over 3+ years ago!!) This email is from some guy saying the following:

————————————————————————————————-

SUBJECT: hey gorgeous!

MESSAGE:
i heard from a lil birdy that you’re local… i LOVE you
pic are you single?
i live in your town
————————————————————————————————

Okay, now I just want to point out that this fools picture was on the email. I couldnt see his face well. He has his shirt off, hands behind his back…leg cocked out to the sided the way cheerleaders used to stand back in high school. You know! Where the leg is bent and the foot rests on the opposite leg in a V sorta shape? I dont know if I’m capturing it right, but pretty it much looked very…um…I’ll say feminine/crazy. Now to top it all off, this fool was posing in front of a freezer with this crazy azz look on his face!!! What the hell is that about? Is he showcasing where he hides the bodies? I dont care to find out.

After some thought, I figured Cheerleader Leg Guy musta seen my picture and gotten my info from my friends evite (he knows a billion people.) I personally think this was totally inappropriate. He didnt mention who he knew me through, or how he got my name…NOTHING! Not to mention the whole girlie leg stance thing (it would bother you too if you saw it!) So in the end I ignored that email.

While I’m explaining the whole situation to Squirrel Girl, I checked my work email. WHY did I have an email from this fool AT MY JOB????? Now I’m trippin. My girls dont even have my work email address! The email just read: “What are you doing for lunch today?” That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less. I kept saying over and over again that I was gonna kill my friend (who I assumed musta given my work email address out in attempts to hook me up.) In the end, I ignored it.

It struck me that I should go look at the evite from my friend more closely and see if Cheer-Leg Guy was also going to the house warming party. Low and behold his name wasnt on it at all! I figured as much after thinking about it, cause I doubt that any of my friends would have some dude trying to reach me without warning me first. That’s foul. If I do have a friend doing that, they obviously dont know me very well, and we’re gonna have a long harsh azz conversation when I figure out who it is *fists waving in the air.*

I’m trippin now cause I dont know who this guy is, where he got my info, and how he got my work address. I guess you can find anything on the web, but dayum! My work email address??!!! So I figured out how to make my evite profile private, and I’m contemplating removing my pic from everything everywhere. I mean, I never tripped that I could be walking around in my hometown and have some crazy maniac knowing my face from the web, my personal bizness, and possibly following me around adding themselves to my growing list of psycho stalkers. I know that may be extreme but I’m still not cool with the possibility.

So you thought that was it? So did I. I left work for lunch and when I get back I had a message. I didnt recognize the voice, but when I heard the fools whole message I dayum near dropped the phone. It was Cheer-leg guy!!! Now I may have laughed before when retelling the story to my girls, but after I heard the message I wasnt laughing anymore. The guy didnt say much except that he knew “this may sound weird”, but he wanted me to call him or email him back cause I was “gorgeous” (and would be even more gorgeous stored in his meat locker.) He said he didnt know if I was at work or not though. Again, he didnt tell me how he knows of me, or give me any details about himself.

So when I got home (on the counsel of my friends), I emailed him letting him know I was NOT available, and that I wanted to know who he got my info from. He emailed right back…and when I say “right back” I mean RIGHT BACK. He started gushing again about my looks and then said he would take me out to a free lunch if I’d call. He also said that he couldnt tell me who gave him my info. I’m starting to think he really may not know anyone I know. I mean, there are other ways of getting info on people…if you really wanted it. I’m kinda spooked now cause my town isnt that big. I dont know where he got my info or if it has anything to do with blogging or whatever, but I’m going under. Call it crazy, call it over-reacting, but I dont care. I’ve already changed the blog profile pic and other online profiles (e.g. Evite), and I’m slowly phasing out all the other pics on the blog (after a long discussion with the other SB’s.) People ARE crazy out there, and I probably should take more care on the web.

It’s bittersweet though, cause I feel like I’ve met some really cool folks via blogging whom I consider my friends. I dont mind them knowing what I look like and all that, but it’s those silent stalkers. The ones who never comment, who dont even have a blog, who sit in the dark combing their deceased cats hair while talking about themselves in the third person that I’m starting to worry about.

Be careful ladies!!!

Always in love…unless you’re a stalker. Plain and simple.

Chops~

Another stalker song for you by Jill Scott-

Hey ya’ll we’re back. Yes, the site’s been kinda dead. Yes, we’ve been thinking about killin’ the blog. No, elderly midget aliens did not abduct Beg and force her to marry their leader (That was just a rumor).

So what’s been up? I cant speak for the other Songbirds, but as for me, it’s been recovering from the Ebola virus I caught down in Hawaii, and catching up on a ton of work.

Now what we’ve all been waiting for…the Brutha Code (BC)/Songbirds Blogger Meet Up Recap!! Yes folks, we’ve really met the wordsmith himself in all his glory! So enough delaying, let me get right to it.

***Disclaimer - - - - - This recap is based purely on the Songbirds recollection of events. The Sangria flowed heavily that night so it is very likely that BC may not recall every single incident. But rest assured BC…we all met up and tied the pieces together to ensure that we provided the most accurate recount of events - - - - ***

The night started out cool. We (the Songbirds) headed out to San Francisco to meet up with BC at his hotel. Of course since we had planned to be there at about 8pm, there was major gridlock leading up to the Bay Bridge Toll Plaza. Of course! Beg and I rode together, and Ja-me and ScorpioK rode together because they would have to leave earlier that evening.

While stuck in stop-and-go traffic, Beg and I started our own car party with hits from the 80’s that I’d sought out and ripped to my new MP3 player (Archos baby!!). We spun “right round baby right round, like a record baby”, right along with Dead or Alive. At some point Beg had this bright idea that I should jump out of our stationary car, and do a baby jig right smack dab in the middle of the bridge toll plaza. Assuming that I might not comply due to the absurdity of her request, she decided to sweeten the pot by offering ONE WHOLE DOLLAR! By the time she had offered I was already halfway out the door. I jumped out, and did my signature motor dance from one of my favorite movies, “Mr. Wrong.” Cars honked, people stared, some cursed, and some made indecent proposals, but it was all over in less than a minute.

”You Spin Me Round” – Dead or Alive

***So for all you BC blog readers – when he mentioned that it’s amazing what I’d do for a dollar on a bridge, he didn’t mean that I was some cheap crack whore literally looking to make a quick buck. No. Not. At. All. Freaks. LOL!***

When we finally made it to the hotel we noticed a nice looking brutha in all white standing by the entrance to the building…and then we kept looking around attempting to find BC (LOL!!). Lo’ and behold, it WAS BC! LOL!

As soon as BC jumped into the car we all clicked…rather - as soon as he shut the door, ripped off his shirt, stood through Beg’s sunroof twirling his jacket around in the air screaming, “Eat your heart out San Francisco!!!” - we clicked. LOL! He ended up being really easy to chop it up with, and he seemed like he could probably handle our unique brand of insanity. But only time would tell.

In the car on the way to Cha Cha Cha’s (to BC’s delight) we indulged his every 80’s music need. We hit him up with a little Al B. Sure, Hi-Five, Tracie Spencer, and the knock that had him biting his lip and curling up his toes - “Happy” by The Boys. Yeah, we grooved in that car all the way to the bar/restaurant.

”HAPPY” – The Boys

“Off On Your Own” - Al B. Sure

Now, in BC’s post, he mentioned that the Sangria’s flowed freely. What he didnt mention is WHY the Sangria’s flowed so freely. The fact of the matter is that BC got on the bar and did a tantalizing strip tease for the bartender and patrons. It was quite a show. We would’ve gotten to eat for free, had it not been for his oh so precious self-respect! Oh well, maybe next time. Now in his defense (before you all start to judge), we doubt BC was aware of what he was doing. All of the Songbirds are almost positive that someone slipped him a Mickey earlier on.

After finishing off our pitcher of FREE Sangria, preventing Ja-me from getting into a fight with various other patrons (due to our resident instigator ScorpioK, and her recruit BC), we decided to take a walk around the block to kill time (our table wouldnt be ready for over an hour). We ended up at near by local bar where we had a few more drinks, and the conversation opened up. At some point our plot to get BC on “payroll” came out, in addition to our initial plans to take him to another local bar named “Martuni’s.” He was actually down with going, until he found out it was a gay piano bar. It seemed that after we spilled the beans about Martuni’s, BC got much more vocal about the fact that he “didnt swing that way!” LOL! No one had ever doubted the fact that he was a total ladies man. Ever!! LOL!

“True” - Spandau Ballet

After finishing our drinks and freak watching, we headed back to Cha Cha Cha’s for dinner. During dinner we had some very passionate dialogue relating to the current state of the Pimp N’ Hoe game, as well as it’s relevance and necessity in society today. I still get chills when I think about Ja-me’s hard-hitting statements (don’t spoil the hoe with free boots….). I realize now that BC more than likely had no idea that we were still trying to get him on our payroll. LOL!

(BC Disrespecting the squid)

After dinner Ja-me and ScoprioK said their goodbye’s. That’s when the REAL fun began! LOL! I’m totally kidding guys!

After leaving Cha Cha Cha’s, Beg, BC and I headed out to a few more “cool” SF night spots that ended up being closed (that’s the problem with the Bay Area. The night life ends soooo early). So after our last attempt (I think it was the Paragon), we settled for a little bar called Annabelle’s.

Now on the way to Annabelle’s a very common, yet interesting incident occurred. We were walking up the street minding our own business when BC was approached and propositioned by a “female with spare parts”, half a weave, wearing a dirty pink and blue feather boa, a tight mini-skirt, clear hooker heels, an ankle bracelet that read “Bro-Hoe”, and a fitted baby tee that read “I Can Flow with the Down Low”. Of course Bruthacode was disgusted, but it was still hilarious! Dont remember that BC? Well we do. LOL!

After Annabelle’s we dropped BC back off at his hotel and said our goodbyes. After some deep discussion all the Songbirds agree that he is definitely Songbird material! He has been dubbed “Song-Brutha” and wears the title proudly! ***BC - did you receive your gold spray-painted plastic medal, and the engraved rubber plaque yet?***

So all in all it was a great night for everyone. BC appeared to enjoy our diverse (some would say insane) personalities, and vice versa. He fit right in! So BC, We had a great time! See you next blogger meet up!!

All in love…unless you’re one of the jerks on the bridge honking and complaining as I’m doing my special motor dance. The cars are stationary! You’re not going anywhere! Enjoy the show…dayum! Let go and let flow!!!

Chops~

P.S. Does anyone else remember the song “Pass the Dutchie” by Musical Youth?
“Pass the Dutchie” - Musical Youth

The new Get-Along-Gang

Mkay. So I’m out in Hawaii visiting my sister and trying to help out with the new baby. A lot of help I’ve been!!

First off I’ve been horribly sick from the moment I stepped off the airplane 2 weeks ago. The night before last I started having these horrible slicing sensations in my head. I kept feeling a pop in my head, then it felt like someone was using a steak knife to carve out 4 sections of my brain. It went on all night and I cried and cried. The next morning (yesterday morning) I called emergency cause it was hurting so bad that I couldnt take it (in addition to still being sick after 2 full weeks).

I went to urgent care, and they ran tests and thought I may have had an aneurism since they run in my family. I then went to emergency all the way across town, where I had a spinal tap, and a catscan. That spinal tap hurt soooo bad I was bawling like a freakin baby (I cant even imagine how women in labor do it!!). I was there in the hospital for over 9 hours and my poor sister had to sit in the waiting room with the baby for most of it.

Anyways, come to find out I have a bad case of acute sinitus (an inflammation of the membranes lining the sinuses.) which they caught on the catscan.

I’m back at my sis’ house, and I’m beginning to feel much better now that I’m on antibiotics and can keep food down.

On happier news, the baby is soooo cute and good. She’s not too fussy as long as she’s fed when she wants to eat (definitley got my side of the families genes!!), and the hubby is a real sweetheart.

That’s all the updates I’ve got for now.

Pray guys….PRAY!!!

Chops, I think your dog may have a similar problem.

Mmkay….too be clear, I didnt have a baby personally. Actually my sister had her first baby!

I’m sooooooo happy! My niece was born on Feb. 10th, 2006! She’s my first niece and I’m just sooo excited (can you tell???)!

I’m even more excited cause I’ll be going to Hawaii to visit my sister, her hubby, and my baby niece in 2 weeks! I’ll also be able to take a much needed break from work for a minute. A huge reason I’m going so soon is because I have a ton of paid time off that I’m pretty much gonna lose if I dont take it before mid March this year. They actually said they’d only pay me a “percentage” of what my time off is worth, so I might as well take it off!! Plus they’ll probably tax the hell out of it!

Anyway, it’s kinda surreal to have a niece. I’m sure it’s nothing like having the baby yourself, but it’s still crazy. I keep thinking about what I’m gonna buy her, where I’m going to take her when she’s old enough, how much fun we’re gonna have!! Yayy!

Now, I’m not just saying this because she’s got some of my blood mixed in her veins, but she’s gorgeous. I know I’m not being biased cause when I got the first 2 pictures from my brother-in-laws camera phone I was kinda iffy. I knew she would “grow up” to be a beauty, but the new born pic wasnt..um..well, you know. I know it sounds bad, but it’s rare I see a new born baby that doesnt look strange.

Case in point, my old college roommate. Her baby boy had one of them cone heads. I’m not poking fun, I’m being serious! BEG can attest to this!!! At first I was kinda wondering if the dad had a cone head too and it was just hereditary, but come to find out they had to use a clamp thingy (I imagine it looks like the tongs one uses to pull fried chicken out of poppin hot grease) to drag the kid kicking and screaming out of her womb. So there was actually a reason why he looked the way he did as a new born. I’m sure he’s beautiful now though

Another odd looking baby was one I saw one of my moms “friends of the family” photo albums. He was one odd looking kid (I’m being really generous here). He was all scrunched up and constipated looking. His little hairline stopped a few inches below his eyebrows (can you picture it??). Beg and I named him Maynard…this unknown baby still holds a special place in our hearts.

Please dont get it twisted, I LOVE babies. They’re like little puppies! They’re soft, and whenever I’m around they smell nice, and they dont talk back, roll their eyes, scream at the top of their lungs for no freakin reason, call you out of your name in public, or look at you like YOU’RE the one that was born yesterday without a lick-a-sense. No, they’re gentle and sweet and precious! And I know for a fact that the newborn baby look isnt an indication of what the baby will look like later on. 9 times out of 10 that odd looking baby’s gonna be on that list of Americas most beautiful people.

All that said, here are a few pictures of my baby niece whom I love soooooo much and I havent even met her yet!! For those of you praying folks out there, please keep my sisters family in your prayers. Pray for protection over Amaya and that she grows up having a strong personal relationship with God in Christ.

Always in love….From a proud auntie!!
Lambchop~

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Tequila..

Tequila. is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Tequila. can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do
just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila. almost
immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Tequila..

Tequila. may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Tequila.. However, women who wouldn’t mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, exploration of homosexual tendencies,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of
Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila.. Leave Shyness Behind.

Now I know I was suppose to be writing about my son and his problems with teling about school work, but I forgot about this entry I wrote and never posted. Now this event happened toward the end of last year. Enjoy!!!!!

Ok, I told you guys that I would be posting again. I am so busy but I need to catch up. Ok my step-brother just got married a couple of weeks ago. Now my step-brother (we will call him Bobby) has two kids without his new wife (we will call her Whitney), and Whitney has two kids without her new husband Bobby. Now they both have two kids together. Yes people if you are keeping count that is a grand total of six kids all together. Just so you know the ages are 15(girl), 12(boy), 12(girl), 11(boy), 4(boy), 1 1/2(boy). All but one lives in the house. Needless to say all of them were in the wedding. They also had family members helping with just about everything. For example one aunt cooked the food, a niece and a daughter made the party favors, a sister and sister in-law made the invitations and so on and so on. Now I’m not tryin to say there is anything wrong with that but, when you start to ask your guest to video tape your wedding for then I think you went a little too far. Oh, wait I think I can top that, when you ask your guest to help serve the food to your other guest, then you went too far.

Don’t get me wrong the wedding was nice, and we had alot of fun. It started a half an hour late (so right on time for black folks). The father of the groom (my step father) didn’t show up. My step sister (25yrs) who NEVER wears a dress or strappy heels was all dolled up just for the wedding and the pictures. As soon as she sat down to eat she took them off and gave them to a cousin. Now why didn’t the father of the groom show up? I know all of you was asking that question. Well his first excuse was he had to go pick up his tux because they messed up his measurements, then it was he had a flat tire on the way to get the tux, then it was he was getting gas and was on his way. So a bunch of b*llsh*t. Of course he hasn’t spoken to the newlyweds yet. But he knows how they feel because the guest that was video tapping the affair was your truly. So when I came home with the tape we watched it a couple of times and made sure he seen it. So all in all we had fun.

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!!

I just got finished writitng a long(ish) post about what I have been going through with my son and his lack of telling me about his report and project he had to do for school, and it is now gone. Chops, if you are out there you have to find it for me. My brain hurts, I’m tired of writing. If I find it, I will post it. If I can’t then I will be writing another. DAMN COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I got a call a few days ago about my ex- Mr.Jack@ss Circus Midget. My folks gave me a call to let me know the haps. Now, I never ask cause I could really careless, but if they call offering it I usually just listen and giggle on my end.

Recap: After they eloped, Mr. Circus Midget moved Mrs. Ghetto Fab Midget, into his home (did I mention she brought her ghetto fab over 18 year old brother, and 5 kids along for the ride?). They lived in wedding bliss for a good few months, and he began making quite a bit of money selling homes (she didnt have a job when they met, and had no intention of ever getting one). He bought her a BMW (or she took his) shortly after (this is all hearsay, so some of the details may be convoluted).

**Click here for a detailed recap**
New Stuff: Apparently, Mrs. Getto Fab Midget recently got a restraining order against Mr. Circus Midget, and had him kicked out of his own house. As it stands today, he’s living back at home (with his momma), fighting to get the BMW back, and trying to find a loop-hole around her claims for alimony.

Baby Momma Midget (his kids mom), has made the final decision to move back to the south with her kid. I suppose she’s sick of high prices, low wages, and a stingy-knee high baby daddy.

Rumor has it that Mr. Circus Midget has been complaining day and night about how horrible he’s got it, and how his wife, baby momma, and mother are making his life miserable (deja vu?), like he’s had absolutely NOTHING to do with his circumstances. I piddy da fool!

Now, when I heard all of this I laughed. Not a giggle or a light flutter, but a deep, low in your belly, full of vibrato type of laugh. Now dont get me wrong, I laughed…I did…I dont deny it. But underneath the laugh, I really hope that Mr. Circus Midget learns from his experiences, and begins to treat others the way he would like to be treated (I could’ve sworn they taught that in kindergarten…maybe he was out sick that day).

So in the end I’m saying the same thing I said in my last post about him…I pray he grows from his experiences, but grown or not, I know he better not call me. I really cant help ya bruh. Nope. Sorry. Uh-uh. Peace.

Chops~

ScorpioK sent this to me. I’ve decided that I’ll be passing this form out to any prospective dates from this point forward. Feel free to jump on the bandwagon!

Chops~

Dating Application

Name ________________ ______________ ___________

Address __________________________________________________

City _________________________ State _____ Zip ___________

Home # _________________ Cell# __________________

Do you live with any of the following: (circle)

Grandmother // Parents // Mother // Father // Girlfriend // Baby Mama // Alone // Nowhere // Wife // Auntie // Other _______

Weight _______ Height ________ Ethnicity: Black // Hispanic // White // Other_____

Date of Birth ______________ Age ____ SS# _____-___-_________

Any Children (circle yes or no) Yes // No
If yes, how many _______

How many Baby Mamas? _________

If more than one, please name below. Use separate sheet of paper if need more room._____________

Ever been married (circle ) Yes // No

If yes, how many times? _____

Are you or have you ever been on the Down Low? (circle one) Yes // No

Do you owe child support? (Circle one) Yes // No // Don’t Know

*If your ex is getting state benefits (childcare, food stamps, etc), then you owe somebody something. Especially tax payers. Stop here and go take care of your damn kids.

*Please use a separate sheet of paper to compile a list of goals and accomplishments.

Did you graduate from high school? (circle one) Yes // No

Name of high school (if yes) _________________________________

Have you received any of the following? (Circle One)

GED // Diploma // Nothing

*If you did not complete any of the above, please stop here and return to school.

Any college? (circle one) Yes // No // Still Enrolled // Graduated

Have you ever been to jail? (circle one) Yes // No

If yes, what for? (be very, very, very detailed)_______________________________________

Have you ever been to prison? (circle one) Yes // No

*If you have answered yes to the above question, please STOP HERE and call your P.O. immediately.

Employed? (circle) Yes // No

*If no, please stop here!

If yes, where and how long? _____________________________________________

Do you have heath insurance? Yes // No

When did you last visit the dentist? _______________________________

When was the last time you have been to the doctor? ___________________________________

What for? _________________________________________________

List any (all) illnesses. Use separate sheet of paper if needed. __________________________

Do you have or have you had any of the following? (please circle all that may apply)

Hep A // Hep B // Hep C // Herpes // Mononucleosis // HIV/AIDS // The Bird Flu // West Nile Virus // Crabs // Chlamydia // Gonorrhea // SARS // Head Lice // Ringworms // Boils // A cold // Sex Change // Shingles // Something that you can’t spell //Meningitis // Measles // Mumps // Ebola Virus // Bunions // Hot Toe

*If you have circled any of these, do NOT turn in your application. See the doctor immediately and leave me the hell alone.

Do you or have you ever used (ingested in any way) any of the following: (circle all that apply)

Crack/Cocaine // Heroin // Paint // Markers // Ecstasy // Glue // Bad pills // Snuff // Anything under the kitchen sink // Dirty socks

By signing below, you agree that all of the information given above is true to the best of your knowledge. For my protection, you may be asked to provide the following information upon request: state ID, birth certificate, recent payroll stub, a recent clean bill of health from a certified physician or practitioner. Falsifying information may result in termination of this relationship (if applicable), and a severe ass whooping by my project cousins Pookie, Ray-Ray, Darnell, Lil Krazy or all of the above.

Applicants Signature ___________________________________________________________

Print Name ____________________________________________________________

Date ________________________________________

Do any of you think your dreams have any life impacting significance?

I’m not just talking about at just one point in someone’s life. I’m talking about any dream that you’ve ever had that stayed with you. A very deep, and personal dream about anything.

I don’t believe in dream books, but I was curious to get some other thoughts on this…

(Note to Chops: Your strange and unusual dreams do not apply!)

Holla Atcha Gurl!!!!

First and foremost….PLEASE WISH JA-ME A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! The old gal celebrated another birthday, and we are all sooooo happy that she was born on December 28th!!

Ja-me sent this to me and the other Songbirds last week. It’s funny, but then again it isn’t.

Apparently a lady submitted her name and number to a daytime radio station in order to have them work with her to pull a holiday prank on her husband. The couple had been having issues, and she thought that a cute prank would add some much needed laughter to the relationship.

The radio station contacted her at work to let her know she had been chosen, and they immediately called her husband at home on air to pull the prank….all hell broke loose.

Take a listen….

http://media.987kissfm.com/_SHARED/Podcasts/crankgonebad.mp3

Chops~

I decided not to bore you to death with posts from each day of the cruise so here are the rest of the highlights…

We docked in Rome , visited The Vatican, The Sistine Chapel (where I was unable to take pictures), and ended the day at the Coliseum. (We also saw Michelangelo’s David at the Galleria Dell’Accademia somewhere in there but I can’t remember what day and did not take any pictures.)









On board pictures:
Grandma and my uncles partner swing dancing:
Naked Neighbor:
This idiot was naked on his deck almost every night…ewww!

The club:
Grandma and I ditched everyone else and went out several nights during the cruise. How many people can say they went drinking and sang karaoke with their 85 year old grandma?

The Deck:

Sunset (in Turkey) from the Deck:

Pompeii:
Signs:

Inside the city:

Cast of victim of Mt.Vesuvius:

Caligulas Arch:

Sicily (Taormina)
Sign:

Shoreline:

Another Theater:

Shopping area (the good part!):

Zafferana, Italy
Sign:

Sheep in the middle of the street:
We were forced to pull over while a huge heard of sheep took over the main road.

Villa Grande Winery:
I bought lot’s of Grappa!

The Villa:

Barrels:

Sorrento Italy:
Misc Picture:




Rhodes Island, Greece
Another ruin of something or another (hey, I took over 500 pictures!) :

The city:

Water:

ND:
Me in my birthday shirt from Ja-me or (SG) or whatever she is calling herself today…..I don’t know why my hair is sticking straight up on top so don’t ask.

Tree:

Entrance to ancient city that people still live in!:

Kusadasi, Turkey (Ephesus):
Sign:

I’m a Christian sign:
In the ancient days Christian business would leave this mark outside there door to let other Christians know which businesses/people were friendly.

Headless politician (he pissed someone off):
They would cut the head off the statues if the person they represented fell out of favor with the general public, rather harsh I think.

Brothel Sign:
This sign was in front of the local brothel, right next to the library. Hmm, I guess they would go read, then go….

Another Coliseum (My sunglasses are so big I look like Ray Charles, guess I better toss those) :

WC’s (that I had to pay to use!!!):

Athens, Greece:
Sign:


MISC:
If my memory is working (which is rare) most of these pictures were taken in Italy and Rome
Hotel California:
I traveled thousands of miles and still ended up where I began.

Me on some bridge in Italy:

Mom and Grandma being Cute:

Why I love Black men (I’ll give you one guess…. LOL):
alt="out of balance" />

Corinth,Greece:
Sign:

The city:


Irritation setting in:
This was the last day of our trip and if you look closely you will see that while my mother and grandmother are smiling, my uncle looks pissed off. I think it’s hysterical.

It all ended well:

I’m tired now so that’s it but Happy New Year!!!!!!!

Oh love!! Why hath thou spurned me? Why hath thou forsaken me???!!! Had we not a timeless love affair? Did not my lips, my tongue, my stomach envelope you with sweet surrender…with loyal bliss?? And you…did you not willingly flow into the depths of my bowel, lingering there until that moment of full consumption?

Why then do you mock me? Why then do you terrorize me? Why then do you lodge your essence in my throat, chocking me with every fulfilling gulp? You violently rip at my esophagus, as would a gerbil in a mans arse (e.g. Richard Gere). You cause my acids to rise, my body to drench itself in sweat, then sadistically quake until you are involuntarily spewed from my mouth with such an odor and flavor that I can not begin to express.

I do realize it is over. I guess you and I will never again merge as one. No Macchiato, no chocolate, no milkshakes, no brie.

But take note of this, my love…. Forever will I long for you, and forever will I suffer each time I see you slurped, licked, or chewed by another.

I will try find strength in the saying of old…”It is better to have been lactose tolerant once, than to have never been lactose tolerant at all.”

Adieu Milk…adieu.
Chops~

_____________________________

Lately life has been hectic. I have yet to return phone calls, emails, notes, pages, telegrams…etc. I havent even been able to read any of my favorite blogs, or even speak at length to my fellow Songbirds!!

As a matter of fact, if you’re reading this post you’re probably one of my beloved friends that I have seemingly forgotten. Please know that work has, for the time being, got me caught up. Luckily I was forced to take this short break (I had my last bout with Milk in the form of a Venti Caramel Macchiato…no foam, extra vanilla, blended milk, dash of cinnamon, triple shot, upside down). If it werent for the massive upheaval I probably wouldnt be posting now.

I’m feeling better so back to work. If I dont post before Christmas, I’m wishing you all a very Merry Blogland Christmas. Please be safe and remember the true meaning of Christmas…and no Beg, it isnt getting all of the presents you can “lift” from your neighborhood drug store. LOL!!

Blessings!
Chops~

Oh! No word from the Circus Midget, so it looks like it’s going to be a very Merry Christmas for me!! LOL!

I think most of you know that I went on a 2 week cruise of the Mediterranean with part of my family back in October. I wrote this post on Day 1 of the cruise, but didn’t have a chance to post it ’till now….

——————————–
DAY 1-
First of all I am so pissed off that I’m sick. I haven’t had a cold or flu in 3 years but of course I would get one the day before I go on vacation. Who the heck gets sick in the middle of October?

So, on to the trip. After working all night I went directly to the SFO airport. I took a 5 and 1/2 flight to JFK (NY) airport, then a 9 hour flight to Nice, France where I was picked up by the cruise line and driven to Monaco.

The flight was hellacious to say the least. I have a whole new respect for people who fly on a regular basis. Just imagine trying to remain calm and sane after working an entire shift at work (which for me means staying up all night), then going directly to the airport and flying for over 16 hours (9 of which were spent with a baby crying the entire time), then being driven to Monaco where it’s 9am and a day later! After all of that I had to find a way to pull it together enough to shop (I know… poor me), and hang out all day before being taken to the ship.

The ride from the airport in Nice to Monaco was amazing. The architecture is gorgeous, and the views were…well just amazing. When I arrived in Monaco I was surprised that it was almost totally deserted. I guess traveling after the busy season is a good idea if you want to do the whole tourist thing without interruption.

After having lunch in a hotel (that was right on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea) I was shuttled to the dock. The ship was nice, but my suite was even better! The bathroom was the best part…big deep tub, marble everything! I think you get the point.

Once on the ship, I had a quick snack (after a look around for ummm…shall we say anything/anyone interesting) which was a waste of time. I think that besides myself the next youngest person on the ship was probably 65. It was really the “Geriatric Spot” as Chops would say.

Anyway, after unpacking I tried to nap but was awakened by the Captain sending us to the muster stations. The entire exercise was boring and provided me with another reminder of how pathetic my life is sometimes. My 85 year old grandmother was picked up on by another passenger who’s wife was standing right beside him, and I can’t even find a normal person to date…..WTF!!!???

Anyway here are a few pictures from the first day:

Day 1 down. More to follow.

wrck, wrck, wrck…off to lay my egg. (smile)

Sorry guys! No time to do the highlights. Maybe I’ll come back and do it later. If I dont get this out now, I never will…LOL!

Talk about Karma (I’ve been watching a lot of “My Name Is Earl” lately)! I’m sure by now everyone is familiar with my ex-Jacka$$, Mr. Circus Midget, right? Well if not, click on this link – “PART 1: Attack of the Worthless Jacka$$ Circus Midget!!” and “PART 2: The Empire Strikes Back Against the Worthless Jacka$$ Circus Midget” to read up on him (I’m warning you that these posts may seem mean and rude, but I was going through a form of purging…honest).

I didn’t post much more about “him” mainly because I was trying to get over my anger, and forgive. I think I’ve done this (to a large extent). I’m no longer angry at “him” for being a jerk and ruining my sleep for almost a year by calling in the wee hours of every morning drunk out of his mind. And, wow! Look at me! Still growing at this very minute! I’m not even referring to “him” as “IT” anymore!! I’m astounded at how far I’ve come!

Awhile back I alluded to the fact that Mr. Circus Midget had gotten married. What actually happened was that less than a month after he had finally stopped stalking me, he eloped with the Ghetto-Fabulous Mommy Dearest…now dubbed Mrs. Freak Of Nature Circus Midget. I referred to her as the Ghetto-Fabulous Mommy Dearest because she’s my age, has 3 or 4 of her own kids (the more you have, the more state checks you get), refuses to get a job because…well, as she put it “I don’t want or have to”, and a growing number of foster kids she uses to supplement her income. To my understanding she doest really like kids or treat them all that well either. I’ll keep my thoughts on that to myself.

So less than a year after the marriage, my cousin calls me and informs me (with a laugh caught in her throat) that Mr. Circus Midget is getting a divorce. I admit that I did give a hearty deep bellied laugh, but reality quickly set in and I sobered up. I’m not at all happy about this turn of events. It’s true that I believe you reap what you sow, but I figured that as long as he was somebody else’s problem, he would stop calling me. So far this theory has proved correct, but now I’m fearful to think of what this change in his marital status will mean to ME.

I’ve recently heard through the grapevine (my family) that he (Mr. Circus Midget) still thinks I’m the love of his life and that there may be a chance. Ummmm….someone please dip this “man” in water, pull out a taser gun and shock some sense back into him (not too high a frequency though…his little elf-ling body may not be able to take it)!

Why is it that men (not all men, just the egotistic) think that they can screw someone over, treat them like crap, piss on their good intentions, and seriously believe that if they have a change of heart, the woman should welcome them back with open arms and a loving lump-lump??? Get a clue….most women CAN and DO move on with their lives after a long term relationship dies. The world doesn’t revolve around YOU. Not all women pine after the jerk that treated them like crap, waiting for the day he’ll return so that she can lovingly call out to him, “HIT ME AGAIN IKE…AND PUT SOME STANK ON IT!!!”

All in all, I’m rooting for the marriage to make it. After all, they seem like two dysfunctional peas in a pod, and marriage isn’t something to take lightly.

Always in love…unless you think that you have the ability to return to the scene of the crime and take up residence again…NOT!!

Chops~

From all the birds!

Ok. I know it’s been a while but I’m still here. I was supposed to write about my trip to Vegas first, but let’s just say the dog ate the other post. This one is about my second birthday party at TGI Fridays.

It started off as a little get together with just the Songbirds. We were suppose to meet at either Chops house or BEG’s house. Well my mother just happened to see to e-vite that Shops sent out, and she got mad because she didn’t get one. I tried to explain that it wasn’t a party and she didn’t have to come out that night if she didn’t want to (she was suppose to be my babysitter), not to mention the fact that Chops and BEG live about 40mins from us. My mother insisted on coming, and then she opened her big mouth and told my grandmother and all 4 of my aunts! Then I started getting phone calls from some of my cousins saying they wanted to come too!

Now let me remind you, Chops and BEG both live in 1 bedrooms and don’t have enough room for all these people, so we had to move the party from Chop’s house to BEG’s house, and when more people RSVP’d (about 20 total) we made a final move to TGI Fridays.

When the day of the party rolled around I was making last minute calls just to make sure I knew how many people were coming. My aunts started backing out one-by-one. My aunt Gemini (who has a 19mo baby at the age of 45), said she wasn’t coming because the baby was sick. Then I call my other aunt that lives near her (we’ll call her Miss B.R.O.K.E. - because she always claims she is), and she says she isn’t coming because she doesn’t have any money (surprise, surprise), but she said that her daughter (who’s 16) still wants to come and will be catching the train out to where I am. Now being that my grandmother lives with Miss B.R.O.K.E. she obviously wasn’t coming either. ***Remember this is the day of the party***.

I talked to three of my other cousins and they said they couldn’t make it either. At this point I’m like f*ck it! I didnt care who showed up, just as long as the people who were suppose to be there did (the Songbirds). I hope I didn’t lose you yet cause that was a lot!

But anyway, when I get to TGI Friday it was just me and my younger cousin waiting for folks to show up. We really didn’t have to wait that long, but it was long enough for me to have a VERY big drink. My brother showed up with his girlfriend first. Now my brother is 4yrs and 364 days older then me. From what I recall, my friends put this party together for ME, but you would SWEAR it was for him too (at least HE thought it was). See, when we were younger my mom always had our parties together on HIS b-day, so I’m kinda bitter.

When we were seated everybody started to arrive. BEG got a carrot cake for me (without walnuts), and it was so gooooood! I stopped eating the food I paid for, cause I had to have the cake! My boyfriend showed up with one of his friends and it was on! I was already drinking shots of Patron back to back, then my boyfriend goes and gets me a d*mn water glass full of Patron and expected me to drink all of that sh*t! It didn’t happen, but I tried.

In the end we had a lot of fun, in spite of all the fakers! We were just missing one of our Songbirds. Ja-me couldn’t make it, but she’s the only one that had a real good reason. As for the rest of them…I know it was all bullsh*t - but it’s all good. We had plenty of fun talking about people. And if you weren’t there, we were probably talking about you…that is, if you’re related to me. Friends got a ghetto pass cause they were decent enough to tell me in advance if they couldn’t make it. But all those who waited until THAT DAY, you have NO excuse for missing my 30th Birthday Celebration. Thanks family!!!!

I’ll be working on getting the video on here so you guys can experience and enjoy. Just remember that it’ll be my b-day all month!!

SCORPIO’s RULE!!!!!!

~ScorpioK~

Pics and captions added by Chops:

The B-day girl…I mean, OLD LADY! What the hell is on your head??!!!

Yup. That says 50!!

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? Her man is here to save the day!! Yaayyy!

Just an old lady havin’ some fun on her b-day!

Just an old lady havin’ A LOT of fun on her birthday, and really close to dancing on the bar!

Ummm. Yeah…. Just a drunk old lady having A LOT of fun, AFTER dancin’ on the bar, exposing herself to the waiters, and being asked to kindly leave the restaurant (those poor children had to see all them wrinkles and wobbly parts!!). Keep it movin’ people!! Nothing to see here!!

“I’s aint movin’! I’s OLD and I’ll CUT YOU!” **Please kids! Dont point and stare!**

Dont worry old lady. We’ll hold you up ’till you get the feeling back in your little old legs!

To ScorpioK - from Chops, Ja-me, and BEG:
“Girl (and we use this word very loosely), you know we love you and we wish you a very happy 30th (ahem…50th) birthday!! Even though we wont be as old as you for quite some time, we’re sure that you’re going to have a fabulous time at “The Sizzler” gettin’ all those discounted meals!!! Luckyyyy!

You know we love you gurl (once again…we use this word VERY loosely)!

~Your fellow Songbirds~

Yesterday we celebrated ScorpioK’s 30th Birthday!!! We had a great time, and I (or one of the other Songbirds) will give you a play by play in an upcoming post, but in the meantime….

I was sent the following links by friends either without jobs, or with jobs that they frequent only to use the free internet services. You may have seen the links before, but they’re still pretty funny!

For the “Leather Pants” link, be sure to scroll all the way to the bottom to read the description (which is the funniest part).

For the “I Wanna Be Your Man” link….I’m just sorry in advance.

Click on the links below:
Leather Pants on Ebay

I Wanna Be Your Man…the next American Idol

Chops~

I know the last topic was hot and heavy and as much as I hate to change the subject…it’s time. Plus I was hoping that BEG and/or Chops had already beat me to the punch…ladies???? I know Scorpio K will have plenty to write about when she returns from her trip.

A topic that is near and dear to my heart although I am unsure why oddly enough. I believe I may have already touched on this topic when I first began posting (Will, that was in no way shape or form an open door for a comment by you…LOL)

The thought once again popped into my mind as my three year old crawled into my lap and quietly went to sleep without a care in the world. Unconditional love, what happens to that concept as the world slowly starts to open your eyes to life?

This is the definition the dictionary gives;
Unconditional: Without conditions or limitations; absolute
Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness

I know that God loves us unconditionally (Thank you Jesus!!). Children remind me alot of times of the love that God has for us because they love so unselfishly it makes you forget about all the other nonsense.

They don’t care about how you look physically…how much weight you have gained/lost, if your azz is phat or not, is your belly flat or not, is your hair combed, what style it’s in, your fashion sense, what the highest level of education you completed, where you stand financially, what your “status” is, etc…(the list is never-ending)

It amazes me when I am sick how my six year old prays over me for my health, or how my three year old kisses my forehead and strokes my hair while asking if i’m okay. It makes you remember the small stuff that this world so easily can make you forget about while trying to keep up with…what? No, for real, at the end of the day, when we lay down for sleep just to get up and do it all again, what are we doing it for in the first place (besides the obvious)?

Okay, I know, I am running off on a tangent. Let me bring it back. I realize we were all made imperfect, but regardless of our imperfections, to know that there is a love out there that conquers all is completely mind blowing. We get so caught up in putting people in our personal little boxes and making snap judgements of those who don’t quite seem to fit in our worlds that we seem to forget to take a look in the mirror.

I guess at the end of the day, it’s way easier to point out someone else’s flaws to avoid focusing on our own. Our personal comfort zone. The tree house theory, ‘no outsiders allowed’.

I’m sorry guys, not sure where all this came from, but it was so heavy on me I had to write the thoughts down so I could get to sleep.

Until next time….

Holla Atcha Gurl!!!!

Okay, so the most freakish thing has been happening to me for at least the last four years.

For whatever reason, everytime I look at the clock, it is always 11:34. It does not matter if it is AM or PM…it never fails. I must say that for the past 6-8 months it stopped, but it started again just the other day.

Call me a crack head if you like, but I think it is just bizarre.

When it first started happening, I remember going through the Bible and checkin’ every 11th chapter & 34th verse to see if any of the scriptures applied to whatever I was possibly dealing with at that point in time, but I came up with nothing. Then as my already vivid imagination started to grow, I went back in time to the old “spell what you need to say in my pager” days.

Now I know you remember those days…304=hoe, 143=i love u, 1134=HELL…need I say more? However, I quickly erase the thought as soon as it enters my head because I absolutely refuse to give the devil that kind of power!

To top it all off, ironically my youngest daughter was born atttt….you gussed it 1134a.

So when this freakish incident happened yet again this evening, I decided to call Chops and share my very odd fable to see what her thoughts were. Of course she concurred=FREAKY!

Then of course knowing us, we got into another interesting (to say the least) discussion regarding kissing.

Come to find out…WE BOTH DISLIKE KISSING. Please do not ask how this topic came about, anything is possible when it comes to our bevy. I also believe BEG shares the same feelings on this matter, Scorpio K is questionable.

Sorry to those of you who enjoy this “passionate” endeavor , but I just think it can get disgusting. All wet and sloppy like, ewwww. An please don’t roll over in the morning and think this is the first thing I want to do. Maybe after some brushing, flossing and mouth wash, but don’t expect too much out of me.

I just think this whole kissing thing is overrated.

So please share your thoughts, especially about this 1134 issue.

Holla Atcha Gurl!!!

A day in my life at work….

8A: I get in, log on to my computer

801A: Allllll the fat hens that sit around me (literally) start discussing what their eating for lunch (isn’t that generally around noonish?)

9A: they’ve just finished eating their greasy breakfast (I know this because my side of the office smells of all things fried)

905A: They are still discussing what they will eat for lunch

930A: I can’t take/stand their loud ass cackling so I plug my ears with the headphones of my MP3 player and put it on B L A S T

10A: I’m rushing out the door to my should be 15min break

1030ish: I’m back at my desk with my headphones in….yes, they are still discussing food.

12P: The talks of food get more intense and detailed

1215:
Hen #1 - “Well I want Taco Bell”
Hen #2 - “but I thought we said we were eating Nations today”
Hen #3 - “I think I want a Costco hot dog”
Hen #4 - “What about In and Out?”
Hen #5 - “ooohh how about pizza?”
All Hen’s together - “ooooohhhh aaahhhhhhh mmmmmmm, that sounds goooddddddd”
Upset Hen #8 - “well I don’t want pizza so I’m going to get me some chinese food, plus I had pizza last night!”
Hen #10 - “Hey y’all I got coupons”

1230p: I’m off to my should be 30min lunch

130ish: The loud ass cackling has quieted down to smacking, occasional growls and grunts, and small talk.

230ish: talks of sleep fill the office

315ish: talks of needing a “snack” in order to stay awake fill the office

4P: while snacking, the discussion of who will be having what for dinner arises

415p: I am watching the clock (literally)

430p: DAMN! I thought this day would never end…and guess what…it’s only Monday. Awwwww sheit, I got four more days to go!

I try to remain thankful in the fact that I have a very good paying job with decent bebefits. However, in my heart of hearts it is truly time to move on. Not sure of what yet, but having to report there is becoming almost unbearable. To the point that I just don’t care. Most days I just want to throw my hands up and quit but the thought of my every day bills flood my mind. No, it’s not just because of the hens, it’s the corporate world/office politics/hens all bundled together.

Who knows, maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is closer than I think. Least I hope so.

Until next time…

Holla Atcha Gurl!

Thought this was interesting. I got it from one of those Hotmail topics that pop up when you’re looking at your email.

I personally think that if your date has an annoying habit you should shine a light on it with sarcasm, mixed with a public display of ridicule, then slap them until they stop. Just kidding…really!

Always in love…unless I run the risk of contracting botulism because you refuse to clean out your fridge every few months.

Your date’s annoying habits: How to deal
By Steve Friedman

You’re seeing someone who’s fantastic—except for that one tiny quirk that totally sets you on edge. Should you grin and bear it or bail?

My friend Jack was dating a woman who had a great sense of humor, a doctorate in astrophysics, and the looks of Kathy Ireland. Yes, the swimsuit model.

“So why are you breaking up with her? Why are you being insane?” I asked Jack. Guys often talk to each other like this.

“She does bad impressions,” Jack said.

Bad impressions? Bad impressions? Jack had been my friend for a long time, and I knew he was picky, but now he was breaking up with a gorgeous, rich rocket scientist because she couldn’t do Jimmy Durante to his satisfaction? Couldn’t he learn to live with this small flaw?

No, he said, he couldn’t. What he had learned was that when it came to annoying habits, it was better to bail immediately.

I had to hand it to Jack, whose approach was brutal but effective. Honestly, was it really any worse than the way I had asked my then-girlfriend — a well-read, sexy triathlete and legal-aid lawyer — if she could please stop pronouncing “umbrella” with the accent on the first syllable? She said no, she couldn’t—and why didn’t I take some of the energy I used to nag her and devote it to cleaning out my fridge every few months so she didn’t risk contracting botulism every time she came to my place and… we ended up breaking up, too.

Which leads me to ask: What is the best way to deal with the little things that bug you in the person you’re seeing? I’m not talking about critical differences in overall values, like your membership in Greenpeace and your date’s “Nuke the Whales” bumper sticker. I’m not talking about chemistry-killers like incompatible kissing techniques or bad grooming habits. No, I’m talking about the little things: The bad impressions. The umbrella pronunciations. Overly enthusiastic food chewing. The way your date still says “Wasssuuuup!” when greeting people. Should you communicate your teeth-grinding hatred of these quirks—or just grin and bear it? And if you must opt for the former, how and when should you broach the topic? Some advice (and much-needed relief) is below:

Rule #1: Be gentle
You can’t stand the way she stirs sugar into her coffee, how she stirs for a full five seconds, then says “ahhhh,” and taps the spoon on the rim. No one blames you for your feelings. Really. But you will be blamed if you say, “What’s wrong with you?” Or, “What is your problem?” Or, “I can’t stand the psychotic coffee-stirring anymore; it’s just sugar, pour, stir, drink, don’t you understand that?”

No, the better way is thus: “Sandra, I have so much fun when I’m with you and I look forward to our times together. And I hope it’s OK, but I’d like to share some of my quirky side. Yeah? You don’t mind hearing it? OK, well, I don’t know why, but when people stir coffee for a long time, I just get bothered. It puts me on edge. I’m sure you had no idea this bothers me and I know this sounds a little crazy, but do you think you could stir your coffee a little less?”

Rule #2: Have a sense of humor about it
You don’t like the way he whistles the theme song from Rocky every time you two go out the door for a jog? Rather than complaining, maybe you could make a joke. “Hey, how about The Magnificent Seven for a change? Or even better, how about The Sound of Silence?”

Just keep in mind that you shouldn’t go overboard. “I wouldn’t sign up for the American Idol tryouts just yet” might seem the height of hilarity to you, but someone who really enjoys singing in the shower might not take it that way. Case in point: “I usually make fun of the habit,” says an old friend of mine, referring to his wife. “Gently at first, then with a little more edge, and finally with enough sarcasm that, even if it does not stop the habit, destroys her self-esteem.” Actually, it’s ex-wife now. What a surprise.

Rule #3: Blame yourself
A friend of mine, Missy, had been dating a guy — a high-school teacher — for three months. He made her laugh. He kissed so well she smiled just thinking about it. She admired the passion he had for his work, the way he worried about his students. But he said “sweaty” too much. To him, “sweaty” was an adjective that connoted not just a physical state, but also conferred value on a person or achievement. Whereas someone else would pronounce something “awesome” or “incredible,” the high-school teacher would say, “Sweaty!”

My friend could have said, “Enough with ‘sweaty’ already,” or “What the hell is it with you and ‘sweaty’?” But she didn’t. Instead, she owned up to her own sensitivity. She said, “I know it’s my issue, honey, but would you mind not saying ‘sweaty’ so much; it’s just a word that makes me nuts.” They’re still together.

Rule #4: Time it right
Keep quiet when you’re in high dudgeon over the behavior. “Must you chew so loudly?” is going to sound shrill and angry when you’re ready to strangle him at the breakfast nook as he chomps his way through a bowl of Count Chocula. Calm down first. And no fair to complain when you’re fighting over an unrelated matter. It hurts you the way his mother never utters your name? That’s OK. But when he defends her as absent-minded, you don’t need to scream, “And if she were any kind of real parent, she would have taught you that’s it’s just plain ugly to tuck your Hawaiian shirt into your shorts!” Stay on point. If something about your date really annoys you, wait for a time when you’re not annoyed to break the news.

Rule #5: Ask yourself if it’s worth it
Lest you throw away a perfectly fine relationship, ask yourself: Is it really that bad? Couldn’t Jack have learned to live with a less-than-stellar “That’s all, folks?” Wasn’t Missy risking an awful lot when she brought up the “sweaty” issue with her otherwise wonderful beau? After all, no one’s perfect, in fact it’s these quirks that make us human. Maybe, over time, successful couples learn to tune out each other’s idiosyncrasies—or even come to love them.

Steve Friedman is the author of The Gentleman’s Guide To Life.
www.happenmag.com.

To all of our old Blogspot buddies, as well as our new Blogsome pals….Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome!!

We’ve been on a mini strike from our Blogspot site, mainly because of our grueling schedules, but with this new site we hope to rekindle our passion for blogging!

Drink #1

So onto BEG’s Birthday Bash!

The night was a success! BEG started out her Napoleon Dynamite themed B-day party at the Claremont Resort’s ‘Paragon Bar’, then moved us all over to the second spot - Maxwell’s Lounge

I got there a little late…okay, a little late according to MY standards . The Paragon is soooo cute! There was a great jazz trio playing soft tunes, great ambiance, and cool people. It’s a cool relaxing hang out spot that I wouldn’t mind frequenting with the rest of the gang.

BEG’s uncle, uncle-in-law, and mom were in attendance, in addition to a host of other friends. She was simply glowing (which I guess is normal for folks poppin’ Geritol). Either way, she looked good!

BEG’s uncle ordered everyone a load of fancy Mac ‘n Cheese, so I was forced to run out into the cold and search my car for at least 2 extra-more-than-extra strength lactaid pills (one for me and one for BEG…didnt we tell you we have sever lactose intolerancy?). I convinced BEG to come out to the car with me so that I could give her the birthday gift, which she absolutely loved - A Napoleon Dynamite T-shirt with a drawing of a “Liger” printed on it….

I also gave her a video that I cant remember the name of right now. Something about a girl who turns into a cartoon, and a kangaroo. Dont ask me, it’s one of BEG’s favorite movies EVER.

BEG also got a custom made t-shirt from Ja-me which I have yet to see, but I’m sure I will since BEG stated that she plans on wearing it day and night for the rest of the month…can you say issues? ScorpioK got her something too, but I cant really recall what that was so I’ll have to refer to her to let us know.

The best part of the phase 1 of the evening was the CAKE!!! One of her co-workers made this beautiful Napoleon Dynamite cake for her for FREE!! Peep:

The only thing missing was a few extra candles (like 30).

At Maxwell’s we had a good time. I must admit that when we first walked in I could smell the strong scent of Tiger Balm Arthritis Rub. I thought I was trippin until we walked in and I saw that this is where the old folks went when their retirement communities closed down.

We all got seats and had dinner. Now I know the other SB’s (songbirds) are gonna talk crap about me, but Maxwell’s catfish nuggets were SCREAMIN’!!! I cant even begin to describe how good it felt for the fish to melt onto my tongue, and trickle…no - GLIDE down my esophagus! Heaven, people. Heaven!!

After eating and drinking…..

and drinking…..

more drinking….

alas, more drinking

oh lawd…more drinking….

We got on the dance floor. The music was okay, but to be honest it catered to the geriatrics. Fortunately BEG was able to give us the details on the old school jams, being that she’s from that era.

I, of course, was attacked by an old midget, Ja-me was seduced by the only 12 year old in the joint, ScorpioK was hounded by a deaf mute, but BEG got away scot-free for the night! Ja-me was non-stop, breaking it down on the floor with her might-as-well-be-sister “T”. ScorpioK was doing her thang too…as long as it was with her man…cause you know he dont play all that hanky panky.

Now speaking of ScorpioK’s man…I’ll call him Mr.Hot-Stepper. All of the songbirds agree that he is our hero. He is the coolest cat EVER! For BEG’s birthday (as a special favor), he did the PRINCE DANCE!! Oh dayum if yall could’ve been there! It was so freakin funny! He shuffled forward, while quickly running his hands up and down his body, doing the “OHOWAH!” cry that Prince is famous for!!

He’s our hero cause even though every single fossil in the club was shooting walkers and canes at him with their beady little hazy eyes, he did it with FEELING! Not only this, but he and I had a professional dance off that night on the dance floor. He pulled out the reebok, I pulled out the Re-Run, he broke out with the Wop, and I threw out the smurf. Cheers to you my worthy opponent!!

The rest of the night went very smoothly…oh. I forgot something. Let me just preface this by saying that it was a total accident. I love BEG with all of my heart. She and the other SB’s are my sisters for real! I would neva-eva-eva do anything to hurt any of them intentionally!!

Okay, so with that said here’s what happened:

BEG’s friend saw one of his friends at the lounge, and greeted him with an OVERLY emphasized man-hug. It was all about fiercely bumpin’ chests, flailing arms, and fists punching backs! Being the nut jobs we are, we decided to imitate them. Ummm. Not a very good idea.

We started out okay, but when we got to the flallin’ arms something went very wrong. Next thing I know BEG’s head was making contact with my fist. My story is that she threw her head onto my fist, but I really have no proof since everything went so fast!!

In the end poor BEG was left with a cut lip (which was really bleeding). I apologized profusely, but everyone treated me like a felon anyway.

I’M SOOOOOO SORRY BEG!!! YOU WERE STILL BEAUTIFUL…EVEN WITH THAT SPLIT LIP!! AND HEY! AT LEAST YOU DIDNT FEEL IT! THANK GOODNESS FOR ALL THAT BOOZE IN YOUR SYSTEM!! LOL!!

Always in love…unless you cut my girls lip on her birthday….oh dear

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH BEG!!!

Hey all! I was just looking at Call2Arms new site on Blogsome, and I decided that we (the Songbirds) should really consider moving over. The best way to convince the rest of the Songbirds to move is to get the site all nice and tidy for them to ease on into!!

So here I am, trying to set it up. I cant wait till it’s done cause I really love the categories!! Yayyy!

Always in love….ha ha ha!!

Chops~ (Lambchop)

Well, I know it’s been a long time since I wrote something but I’ve been very busy. My kids have been doing extracurricular activities, and one of my brothers got married on the 15th of Oct. but that is a whole other story. The tale I’m going to tell is about my oldest brother that came from New York to stay with us. Now my brother came out here two years ago, he was suppose to be on his own within six months to a year. Well as you probably guessed he’s still here. Now let me give you some background on my brother. We will call him Senior Scorpio (his b-day is the day after mine). Ok since we were young he has had a problem with keeping himself and his room clean. Now you would expect that of a growing boy going through puberty. Well S.S. is now in his mid-thirties and he still needs to be told to wash his body and his clothes. Not to mention change the dirty clothes he has on. He shares my sons’ room and the smell that comes out of there is awful. I have done all I could, from telling him he stinks, to going in there and cleaning it myself. I even bought my son a new bunk bed set. The old one had a full size bed at the bottom and this one has a futon chair that pulls out into a twin size bed. Well, he was suppose to move into a 2 bedroom apt with his girlfriend, but the week before, he got drunk and spent about $400(that wasn’t his, from they’re joint account) on bulls*it. She got mad and got their deposit back from the apt. I was so mad because he is still here. Well now he is suppose to be moving again. With the same girl, about 15 minutes away in her mothers apt building. Can we all jump for joy!!! I am counting down the days (it’s now 2 days to go). Hopefully he will get out and stay out. He is so childish, and when my son who is eleven can take a bath and clean up after himself better than an 33 year old there is a big problem. Well now it is his girlfriends problem. I hope she likes cleaning up after a grown man.

I will be writing later to tell you guys about my other brother’s wedding. You will get a good laugh from that one.

It’s 12:38am and I am still at work….bleh!!!!!!

……365 more days till 30 (and Puerto Rico!)

(No special reason for the picture, I just like it.)

*Stolen from this blogger*

Accent - California (I like guess, like, that is like, like, what you would hella call it.)
Bra size - 36D.
Chore I hate - Washing dishes
Dad’s name - Franklin
Essential make-up - Anything by Mac or Nars.
Favorite perfume - Burberry Weekends (at the moment)
Gold or Silver? - Both
Hometown - San Francisco Ca
Insomnia - Well if sleeping all day and not at night counts then yes.
Job Title - Cop sitter.
Kids -Not yet…maybe never.
Living Arrangement - ALONE!!!!
Mom’s Birthplace - Shreveport
Number of Sexual Partners - Yeah, like I’m gonna answer that.
Overnight Hospital Stays - When I was 6 I had my adenoids (sp?) removed…Do they even do that anymore?
Phobia - Missing out on anything (events, food, sales, gossip, concerts, life, you name it) oh, and spiders!
Favorite Quote - (it changes on a daily bases) Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential. ~Marama. I have a wee problem with project dating but I’m working on it.
Religion - Christian. I’m a bible thumper.
Siblings - Two younger brothers.
Two I’m tagging - Coley and Ja-me.
Unnatural hair colors I’ve worn - Purple, Blue, Red, Green…highschool was a bad time for me.
Vegetable I refuse to eat - All vegetables excluding asparagus and broccoli.
Worst habit - *sigh* Sleeping to much and passing gas in public. (I’m working on the 2nd issue).
X-rays I’ve had - Dental.
Yummy foods I make - Steak and most meat’s (although Chops might have other opinions about my fish)
Zodiac sign - Libra (October 7 to be exact.) but I don’t believe in all that astrology crap.

*This is the follow up to the previous post about my home buying nightmare.*

Sooooo where did we leave off? Oh yes, the fire. I found out the day after I had all the locks changed that a fire had destoryed half of the building the night before. The fire stopped about 10 Ft from my front door. Luckily the smoke smell killed the stench that the the squatter left behind. With all of his crap out on the deck I painted, cleaned, packed, cleaned, had the carpet ripped out, cleaned, changed the fixtures, cleaned, oh and did I mention cleaned. (I had lots of help from my blogmates, Coley, Dana, Sassyx, and several family members.)

After playing phone tag with the squatter’s brother I was able to get authorization to dump all of the crap he left behind (which cost me$400). They agreed to pay for the removal costs if I would allow them to go through the storage unit (which I did). I finished painting and planned to officially move in the following week.

The day before the move I stopped to drop off a few items and found a note on the front door. It said that the city would be doing asbestos abatement (due to the fire) and that my hallway was off limits for the next week. I had already hired movers and changing the move date was out of the questions. Damn! Damn! Damn!

The next day the movers arrive (5 1/2 hours late) and begin loading my furniture. Only one of the three movers spoke English and he had the nerve to have an attitude because he thought my bedroom furniture was to large. I have no idea how he planned to fit and entire apartment into a truck the size of a large van but I guess you get what you pay for. Half way through the loading process he asks me “What would you rather have…your couch or your bed?” I. Lost. It (for the 12th time). What would I rather have??!!!! I want both dumb ass!!! He then offers to take my bed and half of my couch (it has a lounge attached to it). WTF am I gonna do with half a couch. He ended up charging me and extra $25 to take my bed apart and left the dresser mirror behind. I tried to give him directions to the new address but he asked if he could follow me instead. I agreed without knowing that the trucks top speed was 40 mph (going downhill). Anytime I exceeded that speed I lost the movers. I have never been cussed out so many times while driving in my entire life.

We arrived at my new place and found the hallway entrance covered in plastic with toxic agent warning signs hanging everywhere. Thank God my door was just outside of the quarantined area and the unloading went smoothly. After an hour the mover tells me that they were having a problem getting the top of my bed up the stairs (the canopy section). I said fine and assumed that they would continue to try. Another hour later he (the english speaking one) comes to the door and say “All done!” Whoo-Hooo! I was exhausted and ready to call it a day. I walked around to make sure everything was accounted for and noticed that my bed was missing. I asked him:

Me: “Where is my bed?
Mover: “Oh, I think it’s out front.”
Me: “Okay, so are you gonna get it?”
Mover: “No.”
Me:”No?!!!”
Mover: “No”.
Me: “Well why not!?”
Mover: “I told you we were having a problem getting it up the stairs.”

I was to tired to fight and didn’t know what else to say so I walked away to sulk. I gave some thought to trying to kick his ass but then I realized that perhaps that wasn’t the best idea since he was quite a bit larger than I am. Eventually Coley and the others took over.

Coley:“So what are you gonna do? Leave it in front of the building?”
Mover: “Yep.”
Coley: “You have to try to get it up here another way.”
Mover: Getting into his buffalo I’m gonna kick your ass stance, “Are you saying that it’s my fault that it doesn’t fit?”
Coley: “No! But you have to try getting it up another way!”

Mover: (yawning) “I don’t have the equipment, maybe I’ll come back tomorrow.”

Coley: “No you won’t, you’ll try now! Come on I’ll show you how to do it.”

Mover: “It’s not gonna work but whatever.”

After a lot of persuading the movers pushed the railing up to the balcony and we pulled it up to the 2nd floor. The movers grudgingly re-assembled the bed and left. After all of that they had the nerve to look surprised when I didn’t give them a tip.

Think that’s the end of the story? Of course not! A couple of days ago I left for work and found 6 police officers in the hallway. After some snooping I found out that my next door neighbor decided to end his life in his living room. (I wondered why his TV had been on non-stop for the last 4 days). Apparently he had been there for several days before anyone found him. Ewwww! Also, the squatter has decided not to reimburse me the $1007.58 he owes me. I guess I’ll be taking a trip to small claims court.

In other news I got a kitten that seems to like swimming in the toilet. Yep, that’s about it.

*Birthday countdown!!!!…..9 days to go!*

And the party never stops….

Seein’ as how the other birds have been stricken mute, I’ll go again.

As per my last post, I have just recently moved into a new apartment that I absolutely LOVE! The longer I’m here the more I adore it.

I was really blessed with the moving process and I met the tenants on both sides of me and they were all very cool. The neighbors on my left side are 2 gay men in the mid to late 40’s bracket who live together, but I dont think they’re really out of the closet since one of them refers to his mate as his “brother”. I dont know, maybe this is a new term for life partner, or significant other in the gay community. Either way, they seemed really cool.

As a matter of fact, the first one that I met was Que-ball (the bald one). He happened to be coming down his stairs when I was moving a large piece of furniture up the 3 flights of stairs with one of my dearest gal-pals, Moe.

On Que’s way down he stopped and asked if we needed his help. We both said, “sure!” and dropped the large item on the ground so that he could carry it on up the stairs for us (hell, if he was offering we were takin’!). His heart was really in the right place, it really was, but unfortunately his body wasn’t cooperating.

As soon as Que laid both arms around the furniture, he let out this blood curdling, girly-I’m being chased by the zombie dancers in the Michael Jackson thriller video- scream! My girl Moe and I were startled, and asked him if he was okay. He just replied, “Tendinitis”.

We told him to forget about it and picked up the large furniture again and started up the next flight of stairs. He stopped us again in our tracks expressing how much he wanted to help us, and um…maybe his “brother” could help…”Oh, no. That’s right, my brother has a broken foot.” (Lovers spat maybe???)

We told Que not to worry about it, I mean, we had made it this far, we could certainly make the move on our own. He insisted on guiding us up the stairs. I’m still trying to understand the point of this. We both have eyes, we both have feet that function, our motor skills are top notch at this point in our lives, why the hell would we need someone to tell us we’re about to come upon another flight of stairs, or that my front door is directly behind me??? Pointless.

Anyway, Que “helped” us with that item and then left. A few hours later I met his partner (brother), who introduced himself. He came up and told me his name and the name of his son. Then he said, “Um, I think you already met my, um, um….”

“BROTHER?” I finished for him.

“Uh, yeah.” He replied. Then he waddled on up the stairs (broken foot) and left me to complete my move.

Now I wont lie and say that I wasnt a bit glad that my closest neighbors were gay (= not interested in me!). I’m a naturally paranoid person (which I’m working on) and I’m always sure that most guys have ulterior motives when feigning friendship with women. When you least expect it, the catch you off guard by going in for the kill (=sexual innuendo, unsolicited attempts at fondling body parts!). Needless to say, I was quite pleased!

So imagine my surprise today when I walked up and found a yellow note stuck to my door (which is directly across from theirs). Ja-me just happened to be with me helping me move yet another load of crap into my already cramped apartment.

I read the letter to myself then passed it on to Ja-me to experience for herself. I’ll let you do the same (word for word with a couple of personal thoughts that I had while reading it, as well as interpretations, reading between the lines):

“Hello Chops,
I’m Que, your neighbor across from you. Just dropping a line to say hello. I hope you are settled in by now. (***Chop’s thought: “He really should have stopped right here”***)

When I first saw you I could not help but notice how beautiful you are and it made me want to get to know you to see how equally beautiful you probably are on the inside (=You’re cute. I want to screw you and see if you’re still cute afterwards).

If you are not presently involved in a relationship, I would like to take you out to dinner or go to San Francisco and enjoy it’s beautiful (***Chop’s though: “No, this isnt a typo, I write it how I see it”***) while we walk talk and get to know each other (=If you want, I can spend some money on you, you know…wine and dine you so you realize how great I am, then we can screw or I’ll take what I spent on you out of your a$$.)

My number is 1-800-psycho-undercover-stalker. Have a blessed day!(= I can hear you playing Christian music through the wall and I think this’ll probably get me to first base.)

And by the way, you have a very nice Volvo…. (***Chops thought: WTF??!!!!”***) (=I’ve been watching your every move. Dont think for a second that you’re alone. I’m making a people coat out of human skin, and may or may not be interested in trying out yours, while I quote: “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!” from the movie “Silence of the lambs”)

Que”

So I guess my initial impression was completely incorrect. I suppose he’s not gay and that his “brother” is really his brother. Hmmmm. My bad. This really sucks. It really sucks because now I realize that this fool has been watching me. He obviously knows my comings and goings. Somehow he knows the car I drive (which he so freakishly brought up for no logical reason other than to freak me the hell out), and he obviously knows I’m single since I just moved in and havent had many men over (which is going to change immediately for appearance sake).

Unfortunately we share a few walls too. My bathroom wall is also his bathroom wall I think, and my living room wall is another one of his walls. It also sucks because now I’m really paranoid about this fool watching me come and go out of his doors peep hole, and listening to my conversations. I never noticed how thin the walls were until now! I can hear him walking around!!

Well if I run into him I plan on just being up front. “I got your letter, and I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. I think you’re really cool though and like I said, it was really flattering! Ummmm I gotta go walk my friends chia-pet now, so ummmm, bye!” We’ll see how this all turns out.

Why the hell do I attract such freaks and weirdos??!!! I swear, I must have a sign that illuminates whenever a freak comes my way that reads, “I love freaks! Please come stalk me, harass me, be my big ol’ suga-daddy!!”

That’s it. I’m moving to Tibet.

Always in love…unless you’re a stalker freak with tendinitis who doesnt have the back bone to be a man and approach the stalkee head on. Instead you lurk in the shadows like a sissy prick. Freak!

Lambchop~

TAKE THE NEW SONGBIRDS POLL 9/16

We hear ya Grasshoppah!! Please calmly place the shank on the ground and slowly back away from the weapon!!

No, we’re not dead, or sick, or in rehab (except for maybe one of the songbirds)!

Beg and I have been moving, and Ja-me has been looking for a place to move…ScorpioK has been taking care of her 30 common law kids. But I think the hiatus is finally over!!

A Quick Stale (old and dated news) Update (note that I’m rush typing so it’s gonna be choppy):

Beg has been getting settled in her new condo. The squatters stuff is finally gone and she just bought a kitten which she’s named Napoleon Dynamite (she can go into details on how she was told by ScorpioK that the kitten was a girl, but turns out it’s either a boy or a hermaphrodite).

Ja-me has been working like a big dawg, finally admitted to her shopping addiction, and is almost ready for the next step…doing something about it!

ScorpioK has taken on what seems to me to be about 30 kids in addition to her one natural born…you’re better than me girl!

And me…well, I’ve moved to a new apartment and I LOVE it! I now live only 5 minutes away from work and about 20 minutes away from Beg.

Other Stale News:

A few weeks ago I went to the circus with Ja-me and her 2 little ones. My, oh my, what a time we had!

We saw all the animals first, and it was so cute the way her kids were so amazed by the elephants! Adorable! Then we went into the arena early to see the acrobats and the pre-show Ring Master do their thing up close and personal.

As soon as we made our way down onto the arena floor I noticed that the pre-show ring master was all up in my grill. For a minute I thought maybe he wanted to induct me into the circus life as one of the circus freaks, but he soon made it clear he was just enamored.

Every time I glanced behind me to where he was commentating he was gawking at me. Next thing I know I started noticing the circus midgets staring at me!! I thought I had outgrown midgets!!!

As I was experiencing the clown show with Ja-me’s youngest I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and this decent looking tall black man was standing there. Our conversation:

• TBM: “Excuse me beautiful. I think that man with the microphone is trying to get your attention. I thought he was looking at me, but now I see he was actually looking at you.”
• ME: “Oh. I see.” (giving a quick glance in the direction of the pre-show ringmaster)
• TBM: “Is she your sister?” ( motioning at Ja-me)
• ME: “No, we’re friends.”
• TBM: ” She’s GORGEOUS!!”
• ME: “I know!”
• TBM: “I just wanna grab her hair and pull it!!!”
• ME: (a bit startled and concerned that he may be an escaped mental patient prone to hair pulling and biting strangers) “Ummm. What’s your name?” (so that I’d have plenty of details to provide to the authorities)
• TBM:”Oh! I’m Knott. What’s yours?” (his name has been altered)
• ME: “I;m Chops and that’s J” (He introduced himself to Ja-me)
• TBM: “Where are y’all sitting?” (I pointed it out) “Oh. I’m sitting near you guys I think.”

We said our goodbyes and then moved along.

When we had gotten back to our seats I noticed that the pre-show ringmaster kept saying happy birthday to someone with the same name as me, but I paid him no mind. Ja-me finally informed me that every time he wished a “very special happy birthday to Chops” he was staring dead in my face. I looked up and lo and behold he was! I just laughed and pointed in his direction that I “got it”. How the hell did he know my name????

Finally the show started and the parade of animals came trotting out with all of the Other performers and here comes pre-show ringmaster trotting down the path on his horse looking like a black Will Rogers! LOL! He just had to stop right in front of our section and do a special side step and wave with a big ol’ cheese! LOL! I was just laughing my arse off!

Once the show was underway the new ringmaster appeared and it took about a good 15 minutes for me to realize that the new ringmaster was actually Knotts!! Apparently they were tag teaming us. I guess it’s what they do… in every new city seek out cuties in the audience and hope that they’re ringmaster groupies.

At intermission I dragged Ja-me and the kids out to the concession stand to avoid a chance encounter with the pre-show ringmaster. At the condiments table I noticed once again that everyone was staring in my direction. I turned around and yup, pre-show ringmaster was standing there behind me in all of his glittery ringmaster glory.

I was immediately mesmerized by the beautiful greyish-red hue of his caked on makeup (it’s so sexy when you feel like you could cut it with a knife), not to mention the way the long chunky strands of his S-curl laid waxed to the side of his head. I tried to keep my composure, but I admit it, I squirreled a little.

He told me that he’d been trying for so long to get my attention but that I wasnt paying him any mind. Then he asked if the kids were mine, I said no. Then he told Ja-me that Knotts sends her a big fat sloppy wet kiss on the back of her neck!!! Ja-me kind of laughed it off, but I could tell she was disgusted!!

He then asked my age and if I was single. I didnt want to lie so I answered honestly. The problem with this is that it makes it very difficult NOT to hurt peoples feelings one way or another. Anyway, then he asked if I had a number, and I said yes. He waited a beat or two then asked if he could have the number. I said, “Umm. I guess so.”

I know you’re wondering why I gave my number even though I was obviously not interested. This is the deal. I was interested in finding out how he ended up in the circus and I was also trying this new “thing” where you go out with ALMOST anyone at least once. I began to rethink this new “thing” as soon as the digits were in his hands.

He asked if I was busy after the show at about 945pm. I told him I didnt know. He said he’d call. And he did, at 1140 pm (notorious booty call hours). Of course I didnt answer the call. That’s soooo disrespectful! He called again at 12am, then again at 1245am.

The next morning he called at 10am, then again at 12pm, then again at 4pm. After the 4pm call I think a few of the midgets gathered together, tackled him, and wrestled the phone out of his hands, cause he hasnt called since.

New dating lesson>>>
It’s best to inform the person that you arent “available” if you arent interested. That way you arent lying - you really arent available…to him. Plus, if you blatantly say that you arent attached but you dont want to give them your number you’ll have to deal with the follow up inquisition and run the risk of being called a b*tch.

Yup. Next time I wont even give the number cause now I’m stuck screening phone calls for the next month and feeling horrible that his ego may be bruised. After all, he’s a ringmaster! A woman would be crazy to pass on that!!

In a rush so more lata.

Always in love unless you’re a man with an extra long S-curl that you have the tendency to flip around like a horse thereby spraying innocent bystanders in the eye with your curl activator.

P.S. The pre-show ringmaster did seem cool from our 2 second conversation, but honestly the worst turn off was that he and his friend were so cool with talking dirty-ish to Ja-me right in front of her kids. That’s a no-no. Common sense must be lacking.

Lambchop (Chops)~

Pics I love:

Please peep the guy in the background who posed with us for this picture and came up afterwards to see how he looked!!! Can anyone find Waldo?

Us at the Raheem Devon concert in SJ, CA

Hurricane Katrina Relief

Thanks to Shawn for providing this wonderful display of active parenting!!

THE GOOD NEWS: Praise God!!!! I am finally a home (condo) owner!!!! Thanks for all of your nice thoughts and prayers.

THE BAD NEWS: In some strange way he was right…I either have a roommate or a squatter, you decide.

ARE YOU CURIOUS ABOUT THE PICTURES? First I have a question for you… Do you think that a man who cuts up his boxers with a pocket knife, then leaves them in the middle of the living room floor should be allowed to roam the streets freely or should someone give him a nice white jacket (with very long sleeves), a mask, and a padded room?

SHORT EXPLANATION: The above pictures are what I was greeted with as I walked into my new residence for the first time. The top picture is the filthy couch I talked about in the prior post, the one on the left is a picture of a tire and a vacuum left in one of the hallway closets, and the one on the right is a pair of the previous owner’s boxers that I think he either left as a threat or a gift…I’m not really sure.

LONG EXPLANATION: By the grace of God I was able to get all of the missing paperwork in by the deadline and close escrow on time. I arrived fifteen minutes early for my walk through (which is a miracle in itself according to most of my friends). As I walked towards the door I got the feeling that things were not going to go as smoothly as my realtor originally led me to believe. The first thing I noticed was that the blinds were closed (in the middle of the day). As we walked through the door I was once again overcome by that terrible odor. As I went into the kitchen I was surprised to see that the previous owner had made a pitiful attempt at cleaning. All of the garbage was picked up off the floor and most of his tattered filthy furniture was gone. My realtor was under the impression that the previous owner was finally gone but….Of course not! He was once again asleep on the nasty couch (see above picture). When his realtor arrived he got up and stated that he was in the process of moving out and that he would be completely out by 9am the next day. He also made sure to point out everything that needed to be repaired (it was an as-is sale) in a somewhat coherent manner. So, the walk through wasn’t all that great with him as a shadow but I figured it could have been worse right???

IT GETS WORSE: The next day my realtor calls and says the magic words, “Come get the keys it’s yours!” I filled out the last of the mountains of paperwork, got my keys, and excitedly headed to my new home. Problem #1: None of my keys fit any of the door locks. Problem #2: I didn’t get a remote to the gate. Problem #3: I didn’t get a key to the mailbox (and have no idea where it is). To say that I was upset would be an understatement but instead of freaking out I called a locksmith and went shopping for new flooring. An hour and $300 dollars later the locksmith picked the door lock, replaced several locks and let me in…..or should I say broke in. Welcome home.

IT GETS WORSER (yes, I know that isn’t a word) : The first thing I noticed when I walked in was a tire and a vacuum cleaner stacked in the hall closet (see above left picture). Then I walked into the bathroom and found a wet towel on the sink, open deodorant (I’m not sure why it was open because it’s evident that he never used it) and a plugged in electric razor. I looked in all of the cabinets and closets and found out that the garbage I thought he had disposed of was simply hidden in new spots. He had actually moved more of his belongings in since my walk through instead of moving things out. Idiot! I also started getting nervous because I thought he was possibly hiding somewhere in the area. As I walked into the living room I saw that his couch (see middle picture) was still there but he was nowhere to be found. I. WAS. FURIOUS. I called my realtor and lost it.

IT GETS WORSER-ER:I won’t bore you with all the details but I will say that I have one huge mess on my hands. According to my realtor the previous owners realtor can’t seem to find him. He took his money and ran. She has been able to contact one of his brother who says he will pay for the costs of disposing of the crap that was left behind but he refuses to put it in writing. I wanted to dump it all but according to the local police I have to store that jackasses belongings for a minimum of 30 days and make reasonable allowances for him to pick it up if he so chooses. I planned on painting, pulling out the carpet, and remodeling the bathroom before moving in but that is going to be hard with all of his crap laying around. I’m also nervous that he will show up again once I actually move in. I feel like my whole life is up in the air right now so I guess only time will tell how this all works out……Off to the gun store.

YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?????- Today my mom called to tell me that she and my uncle were going to bag up all of the crap that the freak left behind and put it on my deck until I figure out what I’m going to do. She said that when she arrived a fire fighter advised her that half of the building burned down last night but the fire stopped right before it reached my unit. I wonder if Mr.Cranker set the fire. I also found out that I have a storage unit that I was never advised about. Apparently it was padlocked and he has possibly been living in it. Somebody pinch me please……

After (another) very long hiatus this gifted blogger’s post has inspired me to start writing again.

So, a while back I mentioned that I was trying to decide if I should buy a home close to my job, further out, or not at all. The biggest problem was that it is almost impossible to purchase a house in the bay area (in a decent neighborhood) for under $500K. Even the smallest hole in the wall studio is just under $300k. I have terrible road rage so a 4 hour (round trip) commute was out of the question. I finally decided that any city within 30-40 minutes of my job was acceptable.

I won’t go into detail about the homes and condos that my realtor showed me but suffice it to say that most of the places within my budget were crap, crap, and more crap. Anyway, after a whole lot of searching I found a place that looked like it had potential. My realtor and I let ourselves in to what was suppose to be a vacant unit. The first thing I noticed was a terrible odor (kind of like burnt Bologna and Mayonnaise) that I attributed to the lack of ventilation but boy was I wrong. Stretched out on the dirtiest living room couch I’ve ever seen was a naked, fat, greasy, pasty white man sleeping the day away. Once he was up and dressed my realtor asked him a series of questions regarding why he was there. He looked at her grunted, scratched himself and walked out the front door without ever saying a word. I suppose the average person would consider a naked fat man a bad omen or some other crap but hey this is California and affordable property is hard to come by so… let’s just say I put in my offer immediately after leaving.

(perhaps I should clarify…Strange things happen to me on a daily bases so I took the dirty naked man as a good sign… No Chops I was and am not sexually attracted to fat naked white men.)

I’d heard so many horror stories about problems with loans and other first time buyer issues that I was expecting the worst but oddly enough I hadn’t experienced any problems until today. My realtors assistant called (and woke me up) all upset and said that I had to submit several documents that I’ve had trouble tracking down within 14 hours. Ummm Kay so I’m suppose to get all this shit together in the next 14 hours (it was 6pm when he called) and I’m on my way to work a 10 hour shift so you do the math. Yeah, that’s gonna happen. NOT!! He then called two additional time to reiterate the importance of my compliance in this matter.

Later that evening (or I guess I should say a few hours ago) my realtor called to inform me that the reason for her assistants frantic state was that the freak I’m buying the condo from is a cranker (meth-user). During a drug induced stupor he convinced himself that my realtor is actually with the DA’s office and is conducting some type of investigation on him. He thinks that when we viewed the residence we were actually looking for drugs and drug paraphernalia (which is funny because the only things in his house were the filthy couch four tires and a whole lot of garbage). He even claims that he saw her at the local court house following him around. He has also decided that if my loan does not fund by tomorrow he is going to pull the unit off the market and cancel the entire deal(even though he can’t really do that).

Somehow in the next few hours I’ve got to figure out how to get the necessary paperwork (without leaving my job), fill it out, get it to my agent, sleep for a few hours, and do a walk though at 1:00pm (even though I don’t get off work until 5AM) BLECH!!! Hopefully that wack- job of an owner won’t be there for the walk through but with my luck….

Anyway, please send your prayers and good thought my way cause I’m gonna need um. Thanks.

I guess you’ve noticed that we’ve been on a bit of a blogger break lately. I personally haven’t wanted to look at a computer outside of work!!

The other day my cousin brought up an incident that occurred back when I was a young fool in the Army and I guess I’ll share.

You know the drill - read the bold if you dont have time to read it all right now.

Army Dayz~
I went into the army right out of high School. I guess it was mainly because almost all of my family had been in the military and I was next in line. It wasn’t anything that I particularly thought about, it was just something I knew I was going to do…sort of expected.

Anyways, it was rough being away from home so long, but I got used to it. My first few days in boot camp I met a 40 year old sergeant - let’s call him Sgt. Pops. Prior to my going into the military my mom and ex-stepfather had went through and ugly break up (more on that lata), so when I met Sgt. Pops, for some reason (I’ll blame it on my youthful ignorance) I was convinced they would be GREAT together! I had even shown him a picture of my mom and he commented that she was gorgeous!

Sgt. Pops was always looking out for me. Whenever I’d get into trouble he’d offer to bail me out. I didn’t get into trouble much, but if I ever did he was always there to offer to help me out (I never accepted though).

He was always doing stuff for me that I’d never gotten from a father figure before. He was just a really cool guy and I saw him like a father. On one particular occasion he told me that I could come down to the Sergeants office in order to get a quick TV fix (we weren’t allowed access to TV’s). I was sooooo excited I almost soiled myself!! LOL!

So after lights out, at approximately 11pm, I snuck my silly ass down there thinking I would get to watch a few shows and have some cool conversation with my “Pops”. I can honestly say, thinking back on it, that was one of the stupidest decisions I’ve made in my life (a fact that Beg reminds me of often).

So I skipped my happy little naive butt down there and met up with “Pops”. He gave me a hug and told me to sit on the couch. I sat down and immediately turned towards the TV. I remember asking him why the TV was on mute, and he just looked at me and smiled. I really started to feel uncomfortable at that point, but I just shrugged it off thinking I was being paranoid.

Sgt. Pops sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me deep. I swear, at that point I began to freak out inside. I couldn’t believe what was happening, but then I kept second thinking it and trying to rationalize out why he was being so touchy feely.

Then the sergeant started to lunge at me. I pulled back but he was much stronger than me, and I was quickly realizing that he was easily going to overtake me. Tears started to fall and I wanted to start to scream but I was petrified, and when he saw this he told me to “Relax”. Just as he had started up again, God happened.

I tell you, God is sooooo good. As he was lunging at me about to do God knows what to me, there was a sound in the hall outside the door. Sgt. Pops got up, and went to the door to check it out. When he came back he told me to go up to my bunk and wait for him to come and get me, since he thought another sergeant had arrived early.

I ran back up to my bunk, covered my head under my blankets, and began to weep. I cried like a baby and I prayed like mad woman until I passed out from exhaustion.

I believe it was about an hour later that I heard someone moving around in the room. I peeked out from a crack in my blanket and saw Sgt. Pops waking up the private across from me (there were about 8 or 10 girls to a room – I was part of the last all girl Company). He thought it was me!!!

My fellow private (who I affectionately called Pooty-Booty, due to excessive flatulence) woke up and asked the sergeant what he wanted. He realized he had the wrong person and couldn’t risk her seeing him with me, so he told her to go back to sleep and he left the room.

Now a lot of you may say that I should’ve run to the top of the food chain and sung like a freaking canary on his sick ass, but consider this. I was a young, naive, emotionally jacked up kid. I was hella far from my family, I wanted to go home, and I didn’t believe that anyone would believe me if I told them what had went down. What’s worst is that I really thought it was my fault. I thought that if I told anyone I would’ve gotten into trouble, and I would’ve ended up stuck there for much longer than I was already assigned to be, or maybe even go to jail (it was against the law for Sergeant to get with Privates).

The next day (and from that point forward) I avoided Sgt. Pops like the plague. He would try to corner me sometimes, but I always made sure I was with another private whenever he was around. At one point he asked me to be the mother of his kids (he had a 5 year old, 8 year old, and 15 year old!!) in front of another Private!!! I told him “HELL NO!” and he really didn’t bother me much after that.

Eventually Sgt Pops got his. Apparently he was screwing quite a few privates in my Company. Girls talk, so it finally got out and he had to go to court or something over it. I’m not sure what became of Sgt. Pops, but I’m sure he was removed from the base and reprimanded. There were just too many girls with too much dirt on him (I hear some of them thought they loved him and that he loved them…sad).

Always in love…unless you target and take advantage of extremely young naive girls, and in the process damage their self-worth and self-esteem.

Chops~

TESTING!!!! Will be back soon!

Now I will start this out by saying that I know there are a lot of people that don’t even get child support from the other parent but I just have to vent. Please note that I am grateful for receiving anything.
Now for the last six months I have been receiving $150 or so. Nothing less than $100. Now this month I look in the mail box and I see that familiar envelope. Well of course I know that it wasn’t “big bucks” so I opened all the other bills, oh I mean “letters” first. When I finally opened the “child support” check I damn - oops (I’m try’n to stop cursing) - darn near choked. Now before I tell you how much it was let me tell you about my son. He is 5ft tall, 108lbs and he (just recently, like last month) wears a size 7 1/2 shoe in men. Oh yeah, he starts school in less than a month. Now the grand total of his “child support” check was $47.02. As Chops would say “Aww hell to the naw!!!!!!!!!” What the hell am I suppose to get for him with that! Now this man says he is working two jobs. His payments are only $220 a month so why am I only getting money that can bearlly pay for his backpack? His shoes alone are at least $70, so what the hell am I suppose to do with $47.02? Now I know times are hard but what does he expect me to do with that, buy my son one shoe? Well like I said before I am greatful but damn. I’m glad my son doesn’t live with him. (I shutter at that thought). Now I am really happy that my mom told me to go down to the child support division and get a set amount by the courts (which needs to be raised) because without them taking it out of his checks, I wouldn’t get anything. So like I said I am grateful but DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPECIAL NOTE: PLEASE TAKE MY SONGBIRD 7/19 POLL ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BLOG! A friend posed this question to me regarding her boyfriend of 6 months. He has never displayed any “gay” tendencies, but he is very very affectionate with everyone. Recently after dinner with him and his long time guy buddy (also straight), she witnessed her boyfriend giving his buddy a warm hug and a quick peck (kiss) on the lips. She made it very clear that he always gets aroused when in intimate settings with her, so much so that she cant even really fathom that he may not be fully straight. She’s pretty convinced that he’s just an affectionate guy! Please let me know what you think and if possible add a comment in the polls “comment space” or our chat box after you vote so I can understand where you’re coming from. THANKS!!!
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Okay lovely people, you know the drill. I’ve highlighted the main points for those of you with a short attention span. Feel free to read the whole thing if you like

**Please note that I have coined the phrase, “Aww Hell To The Naw” from the lovely and eloquent Mrs. Whitney Houston on the new reality show “Being Bobby Brown“**
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It was a very hot day on Saturday. I met up with a group of friends at the Greek Theater in Berkeley to enjoy a 9 hour Jazz Festival, with top artists such as Rachelle Ferrell, Laylah Hathaway, Kem, and Boney James!

Now, I dont want to sound pompous…what the hell! I was looking Goowd (better than good)! I had my hair all did up in spirals with a flower to the side, my pretty Aztec looking knee length skirt with my semi-dressy brown wife beater shirt on! Beg, can you say HAWT!!

So, at a certain point I headed down toward the bottom level near the stage (our group was sitting at the very tip top of the theater -closest to the hot blazing sun). I had to watch Rachelle Ferrell do her thing up close!

After watching her performance I began to make my way back up to the grassy area a billion miles away from the stage area. On the way up I noticed that the only men I seemed to be attracting were of the “geriatric era”. You know, the ones 10 minutes away from needing you to bathe them and change their poopie diapers.

Anyways, I was blocking attacks all the way back to our set up on the hill when I saw someone I thought looked interesting. He had a nice frame (physically fit), nice face (which was partially covered by his hat). He had on jean shorts, tennis shoes, and this nice looking sleeveless sweater vest deal. He and his friend approached me and we all started to laugh about silly stuff, and of course I entertained them with my off-kilter wit.

The guy’s friend’s name, well, let’s call him Brown. Well, Brown was really cool. He looked to be in his mid-30’s. He happened to know all of the women I had met up with (they’re all African American bay area lawyers) because he too is a lawyer.

His friend (the one in the hat), let’s call him Slippery-G (you’ll see why later) started to try to holla, so since I was beginning to get back out there on the “scene” I decided to throw the digits his way. We hung out the rest of the day, talking and laughing. It was fun! He told me how much he loved the movie, “Groundhogs Day” (one of my favorite movies EVER) and I told him how much I loved Whiskey. I’m just kidding. I wouldnt tell him that on the first day!! LOL!!

During our conversation he showed what a funny guy he was! He was telling me about how he didnt think anyone should ever mix wine and punch. He then started listing out all of the different drinks someone COULD mix, but not wine and punch. Then he quickly added, “Not that I’m a wino or anything.” I must’ve laughed soooo hard! He was so good that he pretended with a straight face like he didnt know why I was laughing! I said, “You didnt say, ‘not that I’m a drunk, or alcoholic’! No, you said, not that I’m a wino! Who says that today??!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!” He then started laughing along with me! Classic!

He could make his voice sound like he was from the south. He made it sound like an old southern preacher. I could see how it could get annoying if it was real, but I loved how he would clown around and start preaching in the middle of his sentences! What a jokester!!

So at the end of the festival we said our goodbyes and he promised to call me the next day in order to see when we can hook up before Tuesday (he had to fly to Europe for a week or two on business).

The next day I received Slippery-G’s call. I’m not going to lie, his “funny” preacher voice was becoming a little annoying, but I let that go. He called to see if I wanted to hook up with him and go to the movies or something. I said cool. We ended up meeting up (a few cities away from my own) at Starbucks. I got there first so I ordered myself a Refresh tea and called Beg for some company.

As Beg can recount, I began to get a little nervous. I was really starting to get cold feet for obvious reasons. I started to panic, but Beg calmly reminded me that if he ended up being a freak I never had to talk to him again after today. Comforting enough.

As her reassuring words began to truly sink down into my subconscious, I looked out the Starbucks window to my right and I saw someone that closely resembled Mr. Slippery-G. I had to look a few times because this guy really resembled him, but it COULD’NT be him! I mean, for one thing, this guy was dressed like a 50+ year old man “trying” to look “hip”. He was wearing a long silk shirt, tailored silky slacks, and the tipper…with shoes that closely resembled moccasins! You know, those soft leather slipper-like shoes that many of the 50+ generation wear? Yeah, well this guy was wearing the hell out of them.

I looked out the window at the guy a third time as he slowly approached the Starbucks and to my surprised the guy waved at me! What the HELL??? I went into shock, and started rambling into the phone, “Oh my goodness! It think that’s him! How old IS HE????” AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

Beg did what she could to calm me down before he walked through the door, then she hung up. Slippery-G walked up to me and gave me a big hug. We sat for a minute and talked about what we would do next. We decided to go to the movies to see “Wedding Crashers” (funny flick!).

As we walked to the theater (a few blocks down) I noticed that he walked with a limp. Not the hip replacement type of limp, but the, “I used to think I was a pimp” type of limp. I let that go too…for the moment. I had already made my mind up that I was ready to end the date because he was absolutely the opposite of what he portrayed the day before!

Anyway, on the way up the stairs to find a good seat, Slippery-G fell face first onto the stairs! His slippery slipper shoes were obviously not cutting it! LOL! Now I know it’s mean to laugh, but if you would’ve seen how that man went down you would’ve been howling too!! The rest of the theater did! He was fine though, he made just one comment, “You werent supposed to see that.” DUHH!! LOL!

We settled down in the theater and the flick started. It was cool for a second until the first funny incident occurred in the movie. Have you ever been annoyed by that ONE person in the audience right behind you that cackles like a doped up hyena, or maybe they sound like a cracked-out baboon? I have a good hunch it could’ve been my date “Mr. Slippery-G.” He was so annoying that I wanted to take him out back and flog him.

Let’s see if I can explain the laugh. Um. Okay. So it started out high pitched, like a little girl screeching at the top of her lungs, then it lowered into a kind of belching/shivering sound. It was one of the most horrendous sounds EVER!! People kept turning around and staring at us. I tried to pretend I wasnt with him, but every time he screamed…I mean, laughed, he would put his hand on my knee and pat it like he was close to falling down again and needed my knee to keep him in an upright position. I honestly felt violated and wanted to put that drink holder arm down between us as a barrier.

After the movie, as I was making my way towards the stairs Slippery-G asked me to wait up because, “Wow! I’ve gotta get the circulation back in my legs!! Ha Ha Ha!”

I laughed at that and kept walking thinking it was a joke, but when I turned around this fool was actually doing mini-squats in the movie theater isle to get his blood flowing again!! AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

Now some people may say I’m just way too nice, but I just didnt see anyway to leave at that point without hurting his feelings, so when he asked if we could get something to eat at TGI Fridays, I said, “Um…okay I guess.”

At TGI Fridays we got a booth that he said was, “Too soft and cushy for me!” I laughed, but at this point I was sick of pretending to be amused by him. In order to avoid the uncomfortable silence I asked him a few questions about his life and he went on a tangent for at least 2 hours talking about himself. I think I could have actually soiled myself, fallen asleep, and disappeared under the table and he would’ve kept on talking about how wonderful he was and how bay area women are so sadidy and how they keep thinking they’re “Champagne”, but not realizing they’re actually “lemon water.” Whatever the hell that means!

Next we started talking about relationships and he asked about my last serious relationship. I told him a little about my ex, Mr Jacka$$ Circus Midget (for details go HERE , then go HERE for P2)I asked if he had ever been married before. He told me that he had been married for 3 years before divorcing. I asked why they divorced and he said it was because they married when they were, “Really, really, really young.” I asked how old he was when he had gotten married and he said “26.”

Now, I thought it was odd that he considered 26 to be “really, really, really young.” I think it’s young but not that young! That’s only 3 years younger than m…er…I mean Beg. This comment sparked my ultimate curiosity.

I continued my probe and asked if he had any kids in that marriage and he got really uncomfortable. He answered that he had a daughter before getting married. I asked how old she was. He completely turned his head and looked guiltily in the other direction. I repeated my question and he finally answered…”TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD!!!” AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

I nearly gagged on my lemon water!!! I found a way to choke out the question, “Well how old are you?????????!!!!!!”

Once again I had to ask him twice before he would look me in the eye and tell me. “I’M FORTY-FIVE YEARS OLD!!!”

Now anyone who’s dealt with the “OG-TBY-AHOG-TDA” (Old Gangstas Tryna Be Young And Hit On Girls their Daughters Age) crew, you know that when they say 45 years old they really mean between 50 and 55 years old. AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

Now my eyes were bugging out of my head at this point and I was really about to lose my lunch. Somehow I found the strength to keep it down though. I was out with a guy just a few hairs younger than my own father!!! The more I looked at him I was noticing #1 It’s totally possible to have mistaken him for much younger (most African American people age very gracefully) and #2 How much I wanted to kick him in his basket head for being so deceiving!!

I pushed my anger aside and I asked him a very important question, “HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM???” To my relief and dismay he answered, “Mid to late twenties.”

I say to my relief because I was beginning to think I was starting to look much older than my years, and I was dismayed because his answer meant that he was really on the prowl for young tenderoni’s the same age as his daughter!!! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Dinner ended shortly after his “coming out”, and when he walked me to my car he handed me his card so that I could email (aww) him (hell) while (to) he (the) was (naw!) on (ew) his (ew) business (ew) trip (ew) in (ew) Europe (ew)!!! I told him I’d be in contact and gave him a “C” shaped hug (intended to keep any body part -except the arms- from touching the other parties father-like body), and we parted ways.

Overall I had a very horrible date and it really has me apprehensive about ever doing it again! I’m still grossed out and I dont know how to make this creepy feeling inside go away! Ewwwwww!

So any-who, at least I know now that when he said “wino”, when he needed to push the blood back down to his lower half after the show, when he started sounding like an old southern preacher, that he wasnt kidding around. So I guess he’s not funny at all.

I dont know if I’ll have any other dating files after this one for awhile. I’m pretty grossed out. We shall see. Excuse me. I have to bathe again to wash the old daddy-dirty off.

Always in love…unless you have the nerve to try to learn all about the younger culture, dress like the younger culture, hang with the younger people, hit on the younger women, and cant seem to make it up the stairs at the theater because you’re wearing women’s moccasins!! They have orthopedic shoes that work much better and you’ll have the security of knowing that your feet will remain firmly planted on the floor…unless that hip goes out again! LOL! Jerk.

P.S. I apologize to any “mature” men or women that may have been reading this post and were inadvertently offended. 55 really isnt that old. But if you’re 55, lurking around in the shadows, preying on younger women, while intentionally being elusive about your age and pretending to be a MUCH younger man, you deserve to be called a dirty old geezer, and you should have your jello privileges revoked for at least a year, and only one diaper changing a month. That’ll teach you! But for the rest, I have nothing but love and respect for you!

***REMEMBER TO VOTE AND COMMENT ON THE SONGBIRD 7/19 POLL!!! THANKS!****

Lambchop (Chops)~

I don’t really have a problem in this area but just in case you do I thought these tips might be helpful (lol). This is just part of a list that came from your friendly neighborhood Mormons on overcoming masturbation additction. I found it here.

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A Guide to Self-Control:

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. Ja-me I don’t think we can be friends anymore…Sorry.

4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes — just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. Guess I better invest in some pajamas.

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember — “First a thought, then an act.” Oh, you better stop reading right now then!

The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

Suggestions:

1. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
Chops if you hear me yelling “stop” at anytime during the next few days don’t wonder why.

2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

3. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.

4. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

5. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.

6. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. Yes, avoid “black” days at all costs! Better yet, avoid everything black.

7. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.

8. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

9. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.

10. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

11. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

12. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. huh?

13. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

14. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

15. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

16. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. hmmmm, ties…great idea!

17. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. I guess that means a porn mag would be a bad idea.

****************************************
This post was written in humor and is not intended to offend anyone. I thank God that unlike the Mormon faith my salvation is not based on my own merits, failures, achievements, or shortcomings. If it was I would be on a very short one way trip to the “hot place” as Chops calls it.

***First of all I suppose Ja-me and I owe Chops a very small apology for not announcing her birthday to the blog world (bad blog-mates!) but she seems to have handled it quite nicely herself.***

Chops has already talked about the beginning of her birthday so I’ll cover the end….

Sunday, July 3rd (late night)

So after singing for a few hours and going to dinner(Chops will talk about that later..I think) we headed to “da club”. In our usual fashion we arrived and hour later than originally planned at 12am (or right on schedule in CP time…LOL) Normally this particular club wouldn’t have been crowded but it was the day before the 4th of July so it was packed. Luckily we knew one of the bouncers at the door and with a little encouragement and a small bribe (that chops has sworn me to secrecy about) we convinced him to let us all in. As soon we walked through the doors we realized that going to a club that was filled to capacity may not have been the brightest idea. After 15 minutes of pushing and shoving drunk, nasty, sweaty people we found the bathroom. We then had the pleasure of waiting another 15 minutes to get to the bathroom door (keep in mind clubs in CA close at 1:30-2:00 am and we had already wasted 30 minutes).

(Sidenote #1- Can someone please tell me when butt cleavage became the hot new thing? Half the females in the club had there cracks out for all the world to see. Guess that’s just more proof that I’ve outgrown the hip-hop club scene.)

Okay, back to the story… While Je-Me and I stood in line the rest of the group went to get drinks. The two chicks in front of us were kissing and having a competition to see who could get their a** to shake the fastest while the guy behind us practically fell over trying to see the show. When it was finally my turn to use the bathroom a group of girls walked into the (single stall) bathroom ahead of me. I’m usually not a confrontational person but I had some (bathroom) business to take care of so I walked in with them. I tried to nicely encourage them to leave the but they were drunk and weren’t trying to hear it. At this point I was thinking I haven’t had a fight since I was 12 years old, there are several of them and only 2 of us, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna ruin my outfit fighting in a bathroom. Suddenly the guy in line behind us came into the bathroom talking s**t to the group of girls. I though that it was rather odd that a guy was in the women’s bathroom but I was glad that I didn’t have to deal with them anymore. As the drunk girls left I realized that the person I though was a male was actually a female. The rest of the girls I came with were also back from the bar and standing in the hallway (sans earrings and any other jewelry that could have gotten in the way during). I slammed the door (because I was in a hurry to get to the toilet) and then I heard screaming and banging. Apparently the drunk girls were mad that I had slammed the door and were arguing with the girls that I came with. By the time I exited the bathroom everything had settled down and one of the drunk girls came over and apologized.

After narrowly avoiding a fight we walked directly into another one. Two guys and a bouncer were fighting near one of the exit door so we ran down a flight of stairs to a blocked off hallway to avoid being crushed by the crowd upstairs. When the fight was over we found the (less crowded) Reggae room and sat down near a window. One of the guys who had been fighting was passed out in the middle of the street surrounded by cops. We though he was dead but after a few minutes he got up. We spent the rest of the night dancing with vertically and aesthetically challenged men (most of the cute men were more interested in the other guys at the club than the women).

(Question #2- Why are so many reggae songs just remakes of hip-hop/ R&B songs that have been played to death on the radio?)

Since no one was hungry after leaving the club we decided to find something else to do. One of Chops’ co-workers suggested that we go to her cousins house party. My last house party experience was not a positive one but since everyone else wanted to go I went along. When we arrived someone noticed that all of the vehicles parked in front of the house were old school- low riders or Harleys. As we walked inside we noticed that most of the people in attendance had tattoos (on their necks and faces) and were wearing scarves. The only furniture in the house was a fold up chair, a big screen TV, and a China cabinet with a 40 oz. of Budweiser prominently displayed on the top shelf. Needless to say we were all a bit nervous and ended up leaving after 15 minutes. The whole experience made me wish I had paid closer attention during Spanish class.

Anyway….Happy 25 for the 4th time Chops!

REST IN PEACE J.SPENCER

QUICK QUESTION: I really would like to know what happened to Curvy’s blog. Anyone with details please let me know!!

On to the post…………………….

I’m going to break up the events/exploits of my birthday in separate files, otherwise I’ll never get to it!! So this post accounts for the morning of my birthday (July 3rd). I’ve appropriately labeled it “Gay on my birthday“. You’ll see why….

Sunday, July 3rd:

My attempts to go to church at 8:30am failed since I didnt get to sleep until about 5am (the night before I celebrated my birthday early by going Salsa dancing in the City with my girl Moe, Kris and Jrod. We had so much fun!!)!

My mom and H (step-dad) got to the house at about 11am to take Kris and I to breakfast. As soon as my mom walked into the house she was nagging me about running late (she should be used to it by now!).

When we got to the restaurant everything was cool. She talked to Kris about life and I talked to H about my cousin. Then it happened. What always happens. She brought up my NOT being in a relationship.

reenactment of the conversation:

Chops: “Yeah, It’s really cool that TT (cousin) is traveling a lot even though she’s not really happy with the amount of time she’s away from home….”

Mom: “So speaking of that, why aren’t you dating anyone Chops?

H: “On that note I’m going to the bathroom.” (He gets up swiftly with a look of utter discomfort on his face)

Chops: “I gotta go to the bathroom too.”

Mom: “No you dont, Chops! We have to talk about this!”

Chops: “Yes, I do. Bye.”

I stayed in that tiny bathroom as long as I possibly could, knowing that mom would drill the hell out of Kris before my return. I wanted to tell Kris not to say anything, but I thought, “screw it”!

When I got back it seemed like the moment had passed, everyone was cool again, and it was time to go. But of course, once we got back into the car it started up again….

Mom: “Chops, why dont you want to date anyone? Why aren’t you dating? Are you gay?”

Chops: “You know what? Yes. I’m gay. Now can we move on?” (Kris laughs out loud)

Mom: “Really Chops. What’s the problem? Dont you like guys? I cant imagine why you aren’t dating anyone. You dont want to be alone and barren…tons of cats and all that. You know, H and I wont be around forever to keep you company.”

Chops: “I told you. I’m gay. I dont want to date men. I only want women.” (Kris’ really howling now!)

Mom: (flustered and upset) Fine then! Fine! You’re gay! I’ll hook you up with Mari then! She’s gay and she’ll be glad to hear that you are too. You can be together…all gay and doing gay stuff! (H turning up the radio in order to disperse this craziness. He looks as though he’s having a very unprofessional enema.)

Mom: “TURN THAT RADIO DOWN NOW!!”

Chops: “No. Mari is way too old for me. I like ‘em young and tender.”

Mom: “Age isn’t important Chops! I’m going to hook you and Mari up since you’re GAY!” (mom just about screaming at me)

Kris: (joining in to make light of the situation) “I could hook you up with a friend of mine. She’s gay too!”

Chops: “Cool, Kris. Is she cute? I only like ‘em cute!”

Mom: (beyond pissed off) “Fine then, Fine!!! You’re gay! Fine! Be gay!!” (turns her head, and refuses to speak to me for the rest of the ride home)

Back at home when she left she gave me this half ass’d hug and then went to Kris and gave her this big loving hug. LOL! She was pissed all day. H kind of apologized under his breath. LOL! No worries though. I thought it was funny! At least she didnt bring up Beg’s name again! LOL!

My mom thought Beg and I were lesbian lovers since we started going to “Salsa” lessons and all these other clubs together. She once asked me if Beg and I go to clubs where they let, “Girls dance with other girls real close like.” My mom is seriously in need of help!

To clear it up, my mom really doesn’t think I’m gay. She just wants to push me to a point where I’ll go out and date someone…ANYONE!! But once I do what she wants, she’ll have a fit because the guy I settle for isn’t good enough! Crazy! She also knows Beg isn’t gay. She’s known Beg since we were in Jr. High and knows that she isn’t gay…and knows if she was gay she wouldn’t be interested in me, and vice versa.

Needless to say, my birthday morning was not the highlight of my day. It does get better though so keep an eye out for follow up birthday files!

*** SPECIAL NOTE: Let me just state for the record that I am NOT gay. Beg is NOT gay. Ja-me is NOT gay. Kris is NOT gay. Also, my mom is really a sweet woman overall. She’s just very adamant about my being happy, and is convinced that I cant be REALLY happy unless I’m with a man. She just doesnt realize that I’m happy now! ~~~ Oh! No noodles were harmed in the making of this post.

Always in love…unless you keep hounding me about being gay, then wont accept it when I tell you what you obviously want to hear (whether it’s true or not)!!!

Lambchop (AKA) Chops~

Okay I know this is sooooo late, but I wanted to give some excerpts from our Monterey trip! I’ll try to do a new one every few days. This is #1…the Sugar Bear incident.

So the main reason I had suggested we go to Monterey for our Meatfest Getaway is because I had to sing at the Monterey Blues Festival that Friday. The performance went really well and I had a blast!

After we left the stage I said my goodbyes to my band members (this was the last time we’ll ever perform together) and then went out to find Ja-me and Beg. We walked around a bit and I had a lot of folks coming up to me and saying hi and how the band did such a good job!

Then an older black kat came up to me and shook my hand. He was tall, dressed in ancient gear, and was missing about 85% of his teeth. He told me his name was Sugar-bear from the Chi-lites. He was hilarious. This was pretty much how the conversation went:

Sugar: “Girl you got natural talent. I can help you. I dont know if you know who I am, but I’m Sugarbear from the Chi-Lites”

Me: “I know the Chi-Lites! You guys are great!”

Sugar: “Yeah. I used to be in there but we broke up over some bullsh*t! Anyways, I can help you. I’m going back out to Amsterdam soon I can get you out there. I’m doing it big. You know I hate to admit it but I used to date Chaka Kahn back in the day and we broke up over some bullsh*t! But that’s another story. But yeah, I can get you to Amsterdam.”

Me: “So are you saying you need a back up singer?”

Sugar: “You aint listening to what I’m telling you!!! I told you, I dated Chaka Kahn! I’m saying I been to Diana Ross’ house!!! Daina Ross’ house!! You hear what I’m telling you??? Do you???”

Me: (a little frightened at his outburst) “Uh…yeah. I hear you.”

Sugar: “So take this number and call me cause I can get you out in Amsterdam. I got connections all over. This number is to my place in Santa Barbara though.”

Me: “So you live in Santa Barbara?”

Sugar: “You aint listening to what I’m telling you!!! I said I’m from here to Amsterdam, baby!! Here to Amsterdam!!! Amsterdam!! I’m a writer, producer, artist. All of that! I’ve been in Diana Ross’ house!! AMSTERDAM…!!!”

BEG & Ja-Me insited that I mention that above his phone number he wrote his name and right beneath it he wrote in chicken scratch, “Ex Chi-lite”. LOL!

Hmmm. Now is it just me or is he overly excited about Amsterdam?? Anyways. That was Exhibit #1. More lata.

Always in love…unless you get really close to my face while you’re talking and you’re missing hella teeth so you have absolutely no spit control!!!

Lambchop~

FYI>> I call our outings Meatfests because we all have meat nicknames that no one uses but me. Beg is Bacon, I’m Lambchop, Ja-me is Porkchop, and our silent member Kris is Veal. Now you can all wash your dirty little minds and start out fresh and clean! LOL!

Yippie! Made it to another birthday! Another year older! I had a great birthday weekend. I’ll tell you about it lata. Just wanted to thank Ja-me and Beg for coming out yesterday and hanging with me and my other friends to celebrate my b-day! Hope you had fun, and I’m glad we didnt have to fight them girls in the bathroom after all!

Always in love…unless you try to run up on one of my girls and we have to scuffle!!
Lambchop~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE!!!!

This is the first of many photos we took in Monterey! It was soooo much fun. I’m sure you can tell from our pictures! Enjoy….

And More Pics….

Cloud 9

We live from the head down and not the feet up
And I’m adorned with the crown that’s making this up
And I’m fine under cloud 9

Yes I wear the lamb’s wool, the feet of burned brass
And the wool defies gravity like the nature of a gas
And I’m fine under cloud 9

Twist my cloud and it rain
And when it rains it pours
And the energy will absorb
Power for the metaphysical one

Happy to be nappy, I’m black and I’m proud
That I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud
And I’m fine under cloud 9

I be a chameleon and wear it bone straight
But it’s so much stronger when it’s in its natural state
And I’m fine under cloud 9

Twist my cloud and let it rain
And when it rains it pours
And the energy will absorb
Power for the metaphysical one

-Donnie-

About 5 months ago I drastically changed what I look like. I cut off all of my permed hair and went natural. Prior to the “big chop” I’d had hair styles ranging from weaves to pixie cuts, braids to bobs, and everything in between. I’d never had any problems with men (specifically black men because I don’t date anything else). I guess I still don’t have any problems (with men) but since the first day of my big change I’ve attracted a completely different type of person. I’m generally attracted to the conservative yet well rounded type. Kind of your middle of the road guy. The type that is comfortable in a conservative jazz club or at a hole in the wall bar. Most of my previous guys have been financially and (somewhat) mentally stable. Prior to the change I didn’t realized how much my hair was affecting who I attracted.

Lately it seems that every weed smoking, starving artist, laying down tracks, my car is in the shop, vegetarian fool on earth wants to hook up. I have no issues with any of those lifestyles however they aren’t my cup of tea. I don’t smoke weed , I respect anyone who is perusing a dream but let’s be realistic you need to have a job until your dream takes off! I love meat…Live cows make me hungry! And if you don’t have a car how are you gonna take me out??? (Yes I have a car but I do have some expectation of a man) It pisses me off that people automatically assume that I am a poetry writing, incense burning, tie-dye wearing, coffee shop addict simply because of my hair style. Once again I have no beefs with those types of people either but it is so frustrating!!!!! Interestingly enough I also seem to be attracting a lot more non-black men lately. I have no idea what that’s about.

I expected things to change a little when I changed my hair but damn!! I didn’t realize that embracing who God made me by not chemically altering my hair would affect my social life so drastically! A decision to simplify my life has opened my eyes to a whole realm of issues that I never realized existed. All of that said, I love my hair and have no intentions of changing it.

Blehhhh!!!!!!!!!………I’m tired of ranting but I’m far from done so I’ll revisit this issue when I’m a little calmer.

————————————————————————————————-

Actually, I have one more thing to say since we’re on the dating topic. I helped a friend sign up for one of those online dating services a few days ago. (I already tried that and it’s really not for me…Anyway) While browsing through the available men we notice an irritating trend. Several of the men’s profiles showed that they dated every race accept African American/Black. Even more irritating were the black men who dated every race accept their own. WTF is that about! How and why would you exclude members of your own race as potential mates. Self hatred is so ugly! One even had the audacity to say that the reason he is not interested in dating black women is because we are overly aggressive, gold diggers, conniving, and not feminine. He was at least 6 shades darker that I am so I know both of his parents are black (yes, I know that really doesn’t mean anything but his profile confirmed my belief). I wonder what he thinks of his mother. Actually I don’t give a damn. If I ever run into him I think I’ll take my non-aggressive, not interested in your money b**ch, not into game playing, very feminine self and slap the shit out of him. Just kidding! (kind of)

Wow, *sigh* I feel so much better now.

Strange things I’ve heard at work this month:

- (from a female caller) Help! My balls are stuck in my Vagina and I can’t get them out! ( In case you’re wondering she wasn’t talking about the toy kind…Not that I would know anything about that anyway)

- Get out here right away, a moose just pooped on my front lawn and I think it’s coming back.
(FYI….I work on an island so needless to say there are no moose in the area)

- I need an ambulance…Someone threw bleach in my refrigerator and now my throat and my twat are burning!

- Help, My heart just exploded!

- (caller on 911 ) I need help immediately! My right contact is stuck in my eye.

I could go on but I think that’s enough for now.

Well, I thought we were done with the list thing but apparently not….Thanks Coley.
Without further ado….”10 things I love list” (in no particular order)

- Sleeping for hours in a big bed on 1000 count Egyptian Cotton sheets
- Calla lilies
- Listening to Jazz during thunderstorms (preferably in front of a fireplace)
- God
- Hot nights
- That tired/relaxed feeling after a hard workout
- Strong Black Men
- Singing/playing guitar by candlelight
- Spending time with family and friends
- Sushi and Sake at Yoshis

ManNMotion asked…
1. What are your real names? My name is Peaches n’herb

2. What are your addresses? 555 Peaches n’herb lane

3. What are your credit card numbers and expiration dates? 54545555 n’Herb

Dee asked…
1: how did you 3 meet? I think this was covered in Part 1 of my answers.

2: how long have you been friends? Oh Lawd! I think Begs right…about 16 years

3: what keeps the friendship going? Once again, Begs right, definitely medication.

Call 2 Arms asked…
1. Have you already told us why you tried to kill each other in college? Hmmm. I remember that we just had this really weird love hate relationship…like siblings. I remember Beg trying to drown me, and then I remember attempting to push her down a flight of stairs (I caught her before she actually went down though). There wasnt any one thing in particular, just two crazy kids who’ve known each other waaaaay too long growing up together.

2. Were you dormmates? Yup. In summer bridge. Then when I went off to Basic Training she got an apartment with the psycho. I ended up moving in with them until the whole attempting to kill each other deal started up again. Then I moved into the dorms.

3. Was being dormmates being fun? When it was fun, it was REALLY fun. When it was bad, it was REALLY bad.

4. What’s the longest any of you have fallen out and/or not spoken to each other? See Beg’s answer cause I cant even remember. I do know that the longest time that Beg and I didnt talk was due to our deciding (okay, me deciding) that we shouldnt sing together anymore.

5. Were you bridesmaids in Ja-me’s wedding? Yup! Of course!!

6. Who will be each of your maid’s of honor? I dont think I’ll have a maid of honor, but if I did I’d have to be my dear friend Moe (whom I’ve known about 17 years). I honestly couldnt choose between Beg, Jame and Kris (the quiet songbird).

7. Do you like girlfriends? I LOVE Girlfriends!

8. If so whose character are you? We all discussed this at great lengths and I think I’d be a cross between Joan and Lynn (80% Joan and 20% Lynn). Like Lynn I jump around from hobby to hobby and I’ll probably only be there for a minute, then I’ll move on to the next. In all other ways I favor Joan (her neurotic behavior, boyfriend drama’s, etc)

Jez Chill asked…
1> What is your SSN? 555n’herb

2> What is your bank’s routing # & checking account #? 555n’herb & 555peaches

3> What is your pin #? PNH (numerical values)

The Saga asked…
1) What could porn actors possibly do for fun during their time off? Vacation in a monastery (LOL!!)

2) Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? To illustrate what bad breading can produce.

3) If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently? Too easy. Women would’ve invented a whole new bread of war artillery. Most likely invisible with a powerful punch.

Proactiff asked…
1. What’s your favorite snack? Svenhards Butterhorns!!

2. Which do you prefer: Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, BCBG or another designer in particular? I’m not really into brands, hell, I’m not really into clothes in general (until late) but I guess since I’ve actually bought clothes from Banana Republic, I’d have to say that would be it.

3. What are your shoe sizes? 9 1/2 (yes, I’m the black Olive Oyle)

4. TIA.Bonus Question: How in the world does one AFFORD to live in California if not on a movie star’s “Black Card” budget? I’m still trying to figure this one out - see Begs answer. I have a question for you (which may be a stupid one), what does TIA mean???

A.H.ROSTAMI asked…
1. Do marry a man who does’nt believe in God at all, but he loves you very much? My answer mirrors Begs answer exactly.

2. What is your opinion about the movie “the passion of Christ” - I thought it was amazing. In my opinion it stayed to the point, that Jesus Christ bore the weight of our sins/transgressions for the sake of our salvation. I thought it was tasteful and I was crying like a baby by the end. Like Beg said, I felt so loved and so unworthy. The movie visually showed me what I’ve read in the Bible and brought a whole new perspective evoked so much emotion.

Thanks for the questions! I’m glad it’s over though, cause I’ve got stuff going on that I wouldnt mind blogging about right about now.

Always in love…and that’s it!

Lambchop~

ManNmotion

What are you real names? What are your addresses? What are your credit card numbers and expiration dates? Okay, It’s official you have issues!!! We have one answer for all of your questions….If you tell us yours we’ll tell you ours.

Dee

1) How did you meet? I met chops in a Jr.High math class. I met Ja-me in a gymnastics class a year later. They will elaborate later.

2) How long have you been friends? Almost *gulp* 16 years.

3) What keeps the friendships going? A lot of insanity, and medication.

Call2Arms

1) Why did you try to kill each other in college? Well, after watching a documentary on unusual ways to die I decided to pour water up Chop’s noise while she was sleeping to see what would happen. I’m sure she had done something to piss me off but I can’t seem to remember what it was. As you can see, she woke up during the process and foiled my plans. Chops will elaborate on the why part….or should I say she will tell you what her warped little brain remembers about it.

2) Were you dorm mates? Yes, during a one month transitional high school to college program we were dorm mates. The experience taught me an invaluable lesson which is, if we value our lives we will never live together again. I also realized that I couldn’t stomach living in a room the size of a shoe box. After the program ended I promptly moved off campus into an apartment with someone I later realized was a psychopath. (another bad decision on my part).

3) Was being dorm mates fun? Yep, we had a great time…when we weren’t fighting.

4) What’s the longest you’ve gone without speaking? During Ja-me’s first year of marriage we rarely heard from her. She was doing the bonding with her husband/ newlywed thing I suppose. She actually called us a few time to tell us not to call because she was having a “special” weekend with her husband and she didn’t want to be disturbed. Chops and I went 6 months without speaking after a big fight. I’ll let her elaborate on that as well.

5) Where you bridesmaids in Ja-me’s wedding? Yep. (pictures to follow)

6) Who will be your maids of honor? If I’m ever blessed enough to find someone I would want to marry I wouldn’t have a maid of honor, only bridesmaids (no hurt feeling and everyone could share the responsibilities).

7) Do you like Girlfriends? If so which character are you? When I’m actually off work during the hours the show airs I love it. I would probably be a cross between Lynn and Toni.

Jez Chill

1) What are your SSN’s, Bank checking and routing info, and pin numbers? You get the same answer as MNM….Actually,I should give you my checking account number so you can make a few deposits…. Especially since you live outside of Cali now so you should have plenty of money!!

The Saga

Okay…First of all I would like to say great questions! You and MNM are quite entertaining.

1) What could porn actor possibly do for fun during their time off? Well I tried to contact R.Kelly via email but he refused to come out of his closet so I’m not really sure but perhaps you could ask this guy.

2) Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Hmmm, Once again you got me, but I know someone you could ask.

3) If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently? I’m not touching that one…..I’ll leave it for Ja-me and Chops.

Proactiff

Your welcome!

1) What’s your favorite snack? Ohhh, another food question!! Well my favorites snacks are Frosted Mini Wheat cereal and Turkey bacon (sorry, I know you are veggi person) or Asparagus.

2) Which do you prefer: Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, BCBG or another designer in particular? While I love shopping and clothes I’m not really into brand names. If I had to choose from the provided options it would have to be BCBG. I love their clothes and they also have really cute shoes, my favorite thing to shop for!!!

3) What’s your shoe size? I wear between a 7 and a 7 1/2 . I will gladly provide my P.O Box for anyone who’s interested in sending gifts.

4)How does one afford to live in Cali? I haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll let you know if I do……Just kidding. I’ve lived in California all of my life so I’m use to the cost of living. I have accepted that (as a 1 income household/single person) I have to settle for a little less (property wise) if I want to live anywhere near my job. The upside is that I love the ethnic diversity in the Bay Area and would never want to live anywhere that wasn’t. I can drive two hours in any direction and find any climate or environment I want (snow, desert, city, country etc…) Also, if I ever decide to move out of state I can buy a good sized home for the same price as a one bedroom condo here.

A.H.ROSTAMI

1) Would you marry a man who does not believe in God, but loves you very much? It is very important to me that the man I marry have a strong relationship with God so the answer is NO, I would not. As old fashioned as this may sound I believe that a women should be submissive towards her husband and for me to take on that role I need to be 100% certain that the choices and decision he (and we) make for our family line up with the principals and morals I believe in. (When I say submissive I don’t mean in a whatever you say goes type of way….. I have opinions about everything and I am not the type to hold my tongue and bow down. I simply mean that I would be respectful of his opinions [as he would be of mine] and that ultimately he would get the final say in most situations…Hey I’m trying!) When (and if) I have children I intend to raise them as Christians…..that would be rather hard to do if my husband did not have the same desires. Lastly I believe that most people who have a relationship with God have a good understanding of what love truly is and in turn will love me the way God intended. I could go on but I’m sure Ja-me and Chops will cover the rest.

2) What is your opinion about the movie “The passion of Christ”? It was very hard for me to watch that movie because I don’t like to see violence in any form. However, I realize that my salvation is directly tied into the suffering that Jesus had to endure so that I would not be condemned to Hell for eternity. I am usually non-emotional but after watching the movie I felt sad and loved because it clearly shows how much God sacrificed for little ole me.

Thanks for asking!

Tha G Perspective asked….

1. Have you ever been married? No, I’ve never been married (*whew*).

2. If not what’s the closest you’ve been? The closest was my jack ass circus midget of an ex-boyfriend, “Mr. Circus Midget”. He had been hounding me about how he KNEW he wanted to marry me from the day he realized he loved me (a year before we actually started dating) and that he was just waiting for ME.
   Shortly after I gave in he started acting up. First off he was going to give me the USED ring that his ex-fiance had been given years prior (there were scratches and dulled platinum on the band from almost a years wear and tear). Then he started acting funny like I was trying to trap HIM into marrying ME!! I didn’t even bring up marriage first!! He’s completely looney tunes (notice this is present tense). To read up about my last woes with the circus freak go HERE-1 and then HERE-2 for the sequel.

1. How did you all come to know each other? Beg and I met in 8th grade in our math class. She and I had to sit next to each other. I remember sitting there, disliking her at first sight, watching in disgust as she sat there sucking on aspirin (yes… I said concentrated ASPIRIN) like it was a freaking jolly rancher. I realized then that I could never be friends with a freak. My, how things change!
   I met Ja-me sometime in Elementary school. I was in the 6th and she was in the 5th. I don’t remember how we met, I just remember her always being in my life. We got closer in Jr. High, then closest in High School. We must’ve been drawn to each other since we both had messed up home lives!

2. Are any two of you closer with each other, and has this ever brought about jealousy in the odd one out? I have to lean towards Beg’s answer. There’s a 4th Songbird who has yet to become part of this blog (maybe soon?) so whenever two are closer the other two happen to also start hanging out more as well.
   I do recall a time in High School, though. I think it must’ve been our Jr. year. We all became cheerleaders and I (being the rebel weirdo that I am) decided I didn’t want to be apart of that mindless materialistic bunch of “widgets” so I quit (had something to do with the Captain wanting everyone to buy these expensive a$$ plain white shoes, when I’d already bought some very economical plain white shoes. I yelled at her and possibly threatend her. Shortly after this incident I decided I wasn’t the “cheerleader” type).
   So I did end up feeling a bit like the odd one out since they (the other 3) had that in common, but I’ve always been a drifter and would hang out with tons of different people all the time so it wasn’t that bad

3. Do any of you have separate groups of friends and if so do they get along with this group? Oh yeah! We all have separate groups of friends. For the most part, they all know about each other even if they haven’t actually met. The ones that have met have gotten along mainly because we pick and choose the ones we think will have something in common and wont be frightened at how psycho we act when we (the songbirds) get together.

The Brutha Code asked…

1. What was your first kiss like? I had to chew on this question for a bit. See, I wanted to say my first kiss was in kindergarten but Beg said that it really didn’t count (hater). So I’d have to say my first kiss was at 17 years old in the high school Science building with my first official boyfriend (whom I would deny knowing if I saw him in the street). It was a great kiss only because I didn’t really have much to compare it to, plus I was soooo in “like” with him and excited to have a boyfriend that I think if he had burped in my mouth I would’ve thought it was cute…odd, but cute (I’m really exaggerating!!).

2. Favorite song that came out before 1980? Wow. I have a few. I’m glad you asked - The Knack: My Sharona, The Doobie Brothers: What a fool believes, Chic: Le Freak, KC and the Sunshine Band: That’s the Way I Like It, Sister Sledge: We Are Family, Marvin Gaye: What’s Going On…….and on and on and on.

3. Last and next you place you traveled: Last place I traveled to was Encenada (go HERE to see a post on it). Next place? Probably to Hawaii to visit my sister.

4. Plan to travel to? I plan to go back to France and to visit England. I really would like to go to Puerto Rico (I think we’re going there for both Beg & my 30th bday!)

Miki asked…

1. What turns you off the most in a man? Conceit, Bad Breath, Humorlessness, Materialistic, Circus Midget Freakiness, hands smaller than mine, Circus Midget Complex (aka - short-mans complex), Overly sensitive….did I mention Circus Midget Freakiness???

2. What character trait is most important to you when choosing a friend? A loving personality who loves to laugh, doesn’t let the petty things in life deteriorate a good friendship, accepts me for who I am, doesnt try to manipulate others, and is giving (Ja-me…gimme $20 please).

3. What is you favorite dessert? Chocolate Cake, Dutch Apple Pie, Chocolate Ice Cream, Svenhards Butter Horns, Daiquiri Ice, Chocolate Cookies, Mrs. Fields Cinnamon & Sugar Cookies, Watchamacallit Candy Bar, Pure Cane Sugar on the rocks straight from the box…..
   Yes, I know I’ll most likely be obese with high blood pressure and diabeties by the age of 35. Beg & Ja-me will have to wheel me to the car and I’ll travel everywhere on the hood or maybe on the flat bed of the uhaul. I have no problem with that… STOP JUDGING ME…unless you wouldnt mind helping to hose me down at bath time when I reach 600 pounds and cant lift my own arms!!!! LOL

coley asked…

1. When can I hear you sing? Beg has my cd. Tell her to play it for you. I’ll sing for you when I see you again and the opportunity presents itself.
   
2. What is your biggest regret so far in life? Hooking up with my ex-Jacka$$ Mr. Circus Midget (still a little jaded)
   
3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Oh Lawd! Hell if I know. My life is drastically different than what I’d planned. Every time I make a plan I change my mind once I get what I thought I wanted, or I grow and decide that it’s not really what I need. So I guess I really cant say. I see myself as being alive, but even that’s not promised!!
   
4. What’s your Favorite restaurant? Love these food questions!! Lemme see… Benihana (Japanese), Red Lobster, Casa Orozco (Mexican), Buca di beppo (Italian)…. to name a few from the top.

So this is the first half of my answers. If you have any additional questions let us know! More later.

Always in love…unless you refuse to help Beg & Ja-me hose me down when I’m 600 pounds in need of a serious washing and you call yourself my FRIEND. Jerk.

Lambchop~

None of us have anything exciting or interesting to say right now so we’ve decide to follow in the footsteps of several other bloggers and do the 3 questions thing. We will either take a picture (if possible) of what you request or answer most questions so ask away! Also, if we don’t get any requests this post will be deleted…. Just like it never happened.

You all must know by now that I’m notorious for lengthy posts! So I’m going to try to make the bolded lines deal a regular thing for all of you with attention spans like Beg & Ja-me! So if you dont really want to read the whole thing, just read the bolded lines for an overview, then come back later to read the whole thing!!

Beg, you left out so much from your last post! Go HERE to read it.

First off Beg is also an excellent dancer (singer, song writer, guitar player, not to mention having the uncanny ability to shop for 4 + hours straight at forever 21!) . She’s being way too modest. She seems to believe she’s just an average dancer, but one of our fellow students (who I consider to be an expert) told me that we both are pretty good when you consider how long we’ve actively been learning.

The night we went to tha Down Low club in Berkeley, Beg and I both ended up having to dance with our instructor. It was soooo nerve racking! He kept telling me to relax and have fun. I responded by yelling at him, “How can I relax?? I’m dancing with my freakin’ teacher!!! STOP JUDGING ME!!!” He told me he wasnt judging me, but I’m no fool!

Beg told me that when she danced with the instructor he kept turning away from her to laugh! I know that’s not true because I was watching and she did great!

Oh! One last note on Club night last week - we both danced with this little hyper guy. When he was dancing alone he was quite impressive. It’s when he had to interact with others that we had the problem. I cant even explain how he was dancing! I cant do him justice! All I can say is that he was constantly on his tippy-toes swirling around and doing some sort of jerky “I’m hopped up on X” movements.

It was so confusing that I ended up accidentally scratching him in the eye, stepping on his foot, and hitting him in the head with my elbow. It must’ve looked like he was being attacked on the dance floor. At one point he yelled, “MY EYE!!! MY EYE!!!”

Now onto my dance partner(s):
(A recount of the events that occurred)

Cuban Salsa Guy~
Beg is completely on the money as far as the fact that my first dance partner is one of the few…lets just say he was probably the only attractive male in our class.

On the last day of class, Beg went to the restroom in order to escape from Chicken Man for the umpteenth time. While she was gone Salsa guy walked over to talk to me. He asked me if I wanted to go out and practice what we’ve learned sometimes. He mentioned that he had been wanting to ask me since the first day of class but he kept forgetting. Riiiight.

By that time Beg had come back and was sitting with her cell phone glued to her face…now I know that she was faking it!! I turned to her and told her that Salsa guy and I were gonna be dance partners. We then exchanged numbers.

This is the tricky part. He suggested we exchange numbers. I gave him my number, and I told him my name (in case he’d forgotten) as well as the spelling. He turned to look at me intently and said, “I know your name Chops” (of course he used my real name). I was blown. Did that mean I was supposed to know his???

He called my phone so that I could save his number. I began the process of saving his number, and when it was time to enter his name I turned to look at him expectantly. He proceeded to talk about other stuff as though the exchange had been completed. I sat there baffled. I closed my phone without adding his name and continued the conversation.

I realize that I’m a complete and utter dork for not asking him for his name, so constant reminders from blog world friends is not necessary….welcome, but not necessary.

So Cuban Salsa Guy and I began to get a little better acquainted. He told me he used to play guitar in a Cuban band (this is why Beg thinks he’s Cuban) and that he was majoring, or had majored in Music. I thought this was really cool since I love music and guitar. I’m thinking he could give me some extra pointers (on the guitar freaks!).

On the way home I saved Cuban Salsa’s guys number under “Salsa”. Sad, huh? Well the worst part is that he just called me yesterday while I was rushing to go to the Maroon 5 concert. I was excited. I admit it. I was finally going to know this mans name! I let the call go to voicemail since I was running so late and I didnt want to be rude on the phone. Little did I know….my freaking voicemail was full!!! How sick is that!! My voicemail is filled with friends and family (mainly Beg) leaving song telegrams! They’re hilarious and I dont want to delete them!!

So now I gotta either wait to see if he’ll call again, or call him myself and run the risk of not knowing his name for lord only knows how much longer! I would feel like an idiot asking for his name now!!! It’s too late!

Indian Salsa Guy is different because he knew to spell his name out. See! No problems there! I dont know when I’m going to be able to find time to practice with both guys. I just have no clue.

This Sunday was supposed to be the day I go dancing with Cuban Salsa Guy, but I forgot it’s Mothers Day, so I gotta let him know soon. I dont know if I should call him to reschedule. I would rather wait till he calls again and let him announce himself. Oh Lawd! What the hell should I do???

I didnt want to end it this way, but there it is. I just wanted to expound on Beg’s post.

Always in love…unless you arrogantly think that you’re so memorable and important that your name could never be forgotten by semi-strangers! You missed the hint… me telling you my name again is the ultimate hint!!! I miss the days of the pen and the pad, when people would simply shove the pad & pen into the other persons hand and tell them to write all their info down!!

Lambchop~

“You’re a teaser, you turn ’em on. Leave them burning and then you’re gone. Looking out for another, anyone will do You’re in the mood for a dance And when you get the chance.

You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen (twenty eight) Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine. You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen…”

-Abba-

It’s official. The newly crowned, hands down, dancing queen*/ It girl of the year is Lambchops! *and the crowd goes wild* Not only can she, sing (very well), write songs, play guitar, and hack into a computer systems like nobody’s business (but you didn’t hear that from me) apparently she can dance too.

I needed a change of pace so I decided to take a salsa class and invited Chops to join me. She was a bit apprehensive in the beginning but with a little coaxing she gave in. The first class was very slow and geared towards what I will call the “rhythmically challenged” so we decided to stick around and take the intermediate class. The 2nd class was a bit more our speed but I felt that we still needed to take the beginning class to learn the basic steps. Chops thought that we should either discontinue the classes all together or find an advanced class. The fact that Chicken Man was in both of the classes didn’t ’t help the situation much either.

We decided to take both classes for the first month and then move to advanced later. Not to toot our own horns but we were two of the best (female) dancers in the class (which really isn’t saying much now that I think about it). Then something strange happened. In one of my many attempts to elude Chicken Man I left Chops sitting alone in the dance studio. As I came back from my 4th trip to bathroom (in 15 minutes) I found Chops sitting next to one of the few (attractive) good dancers in the class. I wasn’t sure if they were having a casual conversation or if it was a hook-up type thing. I didn’t want to be a c**k blocker so I sat a few chairs away and listened in while pretending to make a call on my cell phone. Well it seems that “Cuban Salsa” (that’s what Chops calls him because she no idea [to this day] what his name is) wanted her to be his “dance partner”. We still aren’t exactly clear what that means but after trying to wiggle her way out of it she finally agreed.

Fast forward to last week. Another day, another class. Once again I was doing my best to avoid Chicken Man after class. Chops was dancing with this Indian guy and I noticed they were (or should I say he was) talking quite a bit. Chops looked a little stressed but continued to dance. A few minutes later she walks over with a confused look, bites her lip, and says, “I think I have another dance partner.” Isn’t that kinda like two timing? (I think that’s what we called it in Jr. High LOL) No need to tell you that she didn’t know this ones name either. So now I’m baffled because Chops has a problem with commitment (it is rare that she commits to anything) and a very busy schedule yet somehow she plans to fit 2 bands, a full time job, church, and 2 “dance partners” into her life. Interesting.

Okay, so now you’re all caught up. Last night, after a month of classes we decided that it was time to test out our new skills. We went here for salsa night and of course the first person we ran into was the teacher from our class. We decided that avoidance would be the best plan and headed to the bar. After a drink or two for courage we worked our way back toward the dance floor. (I forgot to mention that while at the bar we made friends [and I use that term loosely] with some old fool who said he was going to teach us how to dance. I ignored him but Chops being the social person that she is was chatting away.) Just as I finished my drink the guy from the bar came over looking for someone to dance with. Chops hadn’t finished her drink so she pushed me towards him and laughs. Before I knew what was happening I was dancing with someone who I think was a distant relative of Chicken Man because he did the same strange foot shuffling/scratching thing while dancing. Thank God it was a short song and I promptly sat down once it ended. The next song started immediately and Chops was nowhere in site. I though that she had gone to bathroom so I decided to watch the dancers. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a very good dancer spinning and twirling around. She looked a little like Chops but without my glasses I’m as blind as a bat so I wasn’t sure. At the end of the song this person walked over to my table and to my surprise it was her. She always did well in class but somehow she turned into a professional when she got up in da club (or perhaps it was just the whisky). Her three additional “dance partner” offers that night seemed to think she was a pretty good dancer too. The rest of the night went well and we both had a great time but you what, I think it was a set up. She feigned disinterest in the begging then let loose when it was show time.

Oh well, at least I’ll be entertained while she tries to keep all her new “dance partners” (or the rainbow coalition as I call them) satisfied and separated.

*Sorry Kell you’ve been de-throwned…for now anyway.

~B.E.G~

The following song is an ode to Black Chicken Man (click HERE to read up on him. It should be sung with the “Oh Christmas Tree” melody (you know the old Christmas carol: “O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree! How are thy leaves so verdant! O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, How are thy leaves so verdant!
Not only in the summertime, But even in winter is thy prime.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, How are thy leaves so verdant! O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, Much pleasure doth thou bring me!”)

My Ode To Chicken Man:

-Oh Chicken Man, Black Chicken Man, I itch when you are near me
-Oh Chicken Man, Black Chicken Man, your body smells like fe-ces (excrement)

-Your hair is wet, and drenched in sweat
-You like to rub, our hands in it

-You love to strut, your Chicken dance
-We wish you’d wash, your stinkin’ pants

Anyone who hasn’t seen the jerk MUST SEE IT! I’ve loved this movie for as far back as I can remember. Steve Martin is a comic genius in my book.

Martin plays “Navin”, a white man who was raised by a southern black family. He doesn’t realize that he isn’t black until he’s an adult and his mom breaks it to him on his birthday (he finally figured out why his favorite meal was tuna fish salad on white bread with mayonnaise, a Tab (the drink) and a couple of Twinkies. LOL!!) . Upon finding out he’s white he exclaims,” You mean I’m going to stay this color?!!” He then decides to set out in search of his special purpose and to experience the wonders of the world!

Navin’s (Steve Martin) first monologue tells it all:
(Our hero, Navin, is sitting at the bottom of a staircase, looking like a bum.)
Navin: “Huh? I am not a bum, I’m a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things. My friends and… uh… my thermos. Huh? My story? O.k. It was never for easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days sitting on the porch with my family singing and dancing, down in Mississippi.”

Memorable Quotes from The Jerk (1979)

Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar I’ll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

Navin R. Johnson: Well I’m gonna to go then. And I don’t need any of this. I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything except this [picks up an ashtray]

Navin R. Johnson: and that’s it and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too. I don’t need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that’s all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

Mother: Navin, I’d love you if you were the color of a baboon’s ass.

Navin R. Johnson: I was born a poor black child.

[first lines] Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am not a bum. I’m a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and… uh… my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin’ on the porch with my family, singin’ and dancin’ down in Mississippi.
[a sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil]

Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.

[Navin recites some wisdom]
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin’ man; don’t trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.

Navin R. Johnson: [singing] I’m picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book’s here. The new phone book’s here. This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now.

Navin R. Johnson: [Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps] I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Mother: Navin, it’s your birthday, and it’s time you knew. You’re not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I’m not? You mean I’m gonna STAY this color?

Stan Fox: [Stan Fox’s glasses keep slipping off] Damn these glasses.
Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir. [to the glasses] I damn thee.

Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: “The Way We Were.”

Navin R. Johnson: First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I’ll bet more people see that than the phone book.

Navin R. Johnson: [in bed] You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I’m glad, because there’s something I want to say that’s always been very difficult for me to say. [pause], “I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.” There. I’ve never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.

Navin R. Johnson: I’m gonna bounce back and when I do I’m gonna buy you a diamond so big it’s gonna make you puke.
Marie: I don’t wanna puke.

Navin R. Johnson: Good things are gonna start happening to me now. [Crazy guy with gun scrolls through a phone book]
Sniper: Navin R. Johnson… Sounds like a typical asshole.

Motel Guest: Don’t call that dog “lifesaver;” call him “shithead.”

Navin R. Johnson: Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don’t you.
Marie: Kind of
Navin R. Johnson: I know this is our first date but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me?
Marie: Well I haven’t made love to him yet.
Navin R. Johnson: That’s to bad. Do you think its possible that someday could make love with me and think of him.
Marie: Who knows maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin R. Johnson: I’d be happy to be in there somewhere.

New Accounts Bank Manager: I will need two pieces of identification.
Navin R. Johnson: ah yes. I have my temporary driver’s license - and - my astronaut application form… I didn’t pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.

Marie: I don’t care about losing all the money. It’s losing all the stuff.

Sniper: Die, you random son of a bitch. [shoots at Navin]

[last lines] Navin R. Johnson: [voiceover] I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one.

Navin R. Johnson: Good Lord - I’ve heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

Hilarious!

Always in love…unless you’re a sadistic freak who juggles cats!!
Lambchop~

The Script is HERE

So I have to thank Hippolyte for this one (check him out here). In his most recent post he informed us, his readers, that the Pope actually has a blog!! I went to said blog and saw that it was true!!

The Pope appears to be so very down to earth and approachable. He keeps it real, but he may dabble a tad much in the communion wine than I would think a man of his position would, and by the way he talks some may get the impression that thinks he may be greater than Christ which is disturbing, but dont let me taint this for you….

Funny read at any rate. Not meant to offend anyone I’m sure, but it is entertaining!

Go here to visit the Pope’s blog - http://askthepope.blogspot.com/

Hey All! I’ve been way out of it lately so I havent taken the time to get the random thoughts out. Still working on the post on our friendship. Soon!!!!!! In the meantime, here is another disturbing example on why fast food sucks!!!!

Lawsuit Says Man Found Skin In Sandwich

POSTED: 7:29 am PDT April 26, 2005

DAYTON, Ohio — A man is suing a fast-food restaurant operator for more than $50,000, claiming he found a slice of skin on his chicken sandwich.
David Scheiding filed the lawsuit in Montgomery County Common Pleas Court on April 1 after rejecting a settlement offer from GZK Inc., his lawyer said. GZK owns the Arby’s restaurant in Tipp City where he bought the sandwich.

Scheiding, of Troy, said he realized something wasn’t right when he bit into the sandwich on June 18 and found a piece of flesh about three-fourths of an inch long.

“It looked like I was seeing fingerprints on it,” he said. “I got sick and went to the bathroom.”
Miami County health investigators talked to the restaurant manager, who had a bandage on his right thumb and wore a latex glove, according to a health district report. The manager said he sliced skin from the thumb while shredding lettuce, and sanitized the area but didn’t throw away the bin of lettuce, the report said. Scheiding’s sandwich contained lettuce.

“Why wasn’t the food searched, and why wasn’t it thrown away?” said Scheiding’s lawyer, Hank Hyde.

Christine Koeller, vice president of marketing and communications with GZK, said what happened was unintentional.

“(The manager) did destroy product that was in and around the slicer immediately, and did everything that he thought was appropriate to do,” Koeller said.

Video Shows Police Handcuffing 5-Year-Old Girl
Family Mulls Legal Options
POSTED: 6:04 am PDT April 23, 2005
UPDATED: 3:28 pm PDT April 23, 2005
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — A 5-year-old girl was handcuffed by police after she tore papers off a bulletin board and punched an assistant principal in kindergarten class, according to a video released by a lawyer for the child’s mother.
Video

Video Shows Police Handcuffing 5-Year-Old
The 30-minute tape shows the child appearing to calm down before three officers pinned her arms behind her back and put on handcuffs as she screamed, “No!” After being placed in the back of a police cruiser, the girl was released to her mother.

The camera was rolling March 14 as part of a classroom self-improvement exercise at Fairmount Park Elementary, attorney John Trevena said.

Trevena, who provided the tape to the media this week, said he got it from police.
“The image itself will be seared into people’s minds when you have three police officers bending a child over a table and forcibly handcuffing her,” said Trevena, who represents the girl’s mother, Inga Akins.

Police spokesman Bill Proffitt said an investigation into the matter would be complete in about two weeks and the findings would be made public.

Suspect In Wendy’s Finger Incident ‘Eager To Face Charges’
Anna Ayala Waives Extradition
POSTED: 4:53 am PDT April 26, 2005
UPDATED: 9:36 am PDT April 26, 2005

LAS VEGAS — The woman who was arrested after claiming she bit into a human finger in a bowl of Wendy’s chili waived extradition Tuesday, telling a judge she was eager to return to California to face charges.

Anna Ayala, 39, appeared before the same judge who issued a warrant for police to search her home outside Las Vegas on April 6. Records from that raid are sealed.

AP Image
Anna Ayala
Outside court, Ayala’s lawyer, Frederick Tait Ehler of San Jose, derided charges against his client as baseless.
Video: Wendy’s Finger Finder Appears In Court

“Anna says they’re ridiculous,” Ehler said of the charges of attempted grand larceny. “She’s eager to go back to San Jose.”

Ayala was arrested late Thursday, and San Jose police on Friday called her claim a hoax. Authorities said the attempted grand theft charge relates to millions in dollars of financial losses Wendy’s has suffered since news broke of her claim. Ayala maintains she bit down on a 1½ inch-long finger fragment while dining March 22 with her family at a Wendy’s in San Jose. She has denied placing the digit in her bowl.

She hired a lawyer and filed a claim against the franchise owner, but dropped the legal fight shortly after police searched her home.

Ayala, who has maintained her innocence, faces a maximum seven-year sentence if convicted of the larceny charges, and at least another 16 months if convicted of unrelated charges that she allegedly bilked a woman $11,000 over a soured real estate deal two years ago.

Ayala has been involved in nearly a dozen legal battles, including a sexual harassment suit against an employer, an auto dealer over a car and even another fast-food chain for food poisoning.

Authorities have not yet identified who the finger belonged to or Ayala’s connection to it.
A person with knowledge about the case who spoke on condition of anonymity said the finger charge stemmed from San Jose police interviews with people who said Ayala described putting a finger in the chili, statements bolstered by authorities announcing last week that it did not appear the finger had been simmering in chili.

The company maintains that the finger did not enter the food chain in its ingredients. Employees at the San Jose franchise have all their fingers, and no suppliers of Wendy’s ingredients reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said.

Wendy’s, based at Dublin, Ohio, is offering $100,000 for information leading to the origin of the finger.

If you’ve missed the previous case notes, please click for Lambchop’s Accusation, and click for BEG’s Argument.

The 17 anonymous jury members have completed their deliberation and made their final decision. The verdict is…GUILTY!!! BEG is trying to kill Lambchop!!

Here’s the tally:

Definitely 5 (29%)
Probably 5 (29%)
Not Likely 4 (23%)
Definitely Not 3 (17%)

BEG is thereby charged for this reprehensible act.
This case is closed.

A special thanks to Rainmayun for validating the results.

The Prosecution Rests.
The Defense Eats Dirt.

What the heck?

*********Before reading this please read prior post by Lambchop: “Murder Attempts & Rhythmless Salsa?“**********

Rebuttal / Defense
April 7, 2005

To Whom It May Concern,

First and foremost I categorically deny any and all accusations made by my accuser (AKA Chops). Furthermore, I demand that any further defamation of my character cease and desist or legal action will be taken. At no time have I attempted or considered assaulting, molesting, hurting, murdering or otherwise harming my accuser. I would also like to present evidence substantiating my innocence in this matter.

Prior to the accusers arrival at my residence she called and demanded that accommodations be made for her sleeping arrangements. She stated that she was very tired and needed a nap. She also said that the her “tape worm” was screaming, “It burns! It burns!” (in the voice of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings) because it was hungry and needed food. Chops then left her place of employment with a 20 minute estimated time of arrival. Being the good friend that I am, I defrosted some fish in preparation for this event. Chops has a history of tardiness and in her usual manner arrived 1 hour and 20 minutes after the conversation (at 6 pm…the exact time I planned to leave for class). She stormed into my residence without a hello, walked directly to the kitchen and yelled “Where’s my food women!” I explained that I didn’t want her food to get cold so I delayed cooking until her arrival. She then stomped off to my bedroom and slammed the door. Due to her tardiness I was forced to cook the meal at an accelerated rate causing a slight oversight on my part (baking would have taken longer than steaming). This factor is solely to blame for the under cooked condition of her fish, not any type of foul play or lack of cooking ability as originally indicated by my accuser. The girth around my mid-section should attest to my cooking abilities. Furthermore, I wish to submit that I never stated that I wished to kill my accuser, only that I was not totally opposed to the idea.

Next I wish to address the event in question at the Salsa club. I am not to blame for the unfortunate occurrences that evening. At no point did I sign a contract accepting responsibility for the welfare of the accuser. As stated by Chops I was dancing during the alleged assault perpetrated by “Mr. Galactic Enterprise”. I was unaware of the accusers disturbing situation and therefore unable to render any assistance (besides laughing). Chops also failed to mention the “Mr. Galactic Enterprise” weighed less than 105 lbs. soaking wet. My accuser is small but strong and wiry. I believe that if she was uncomfortable with the level of contact with “The Acorns” as she calls them she could have made good use of her knee (or foot/heel)as suggested by Kashasta. I submit that Chops possibly enjoyed the activity, then later realized she had been victimized. After this occurrence I ushered Chops to a couch where she did in fact proceed to curl into a ball and rock for the next 15-20 minutes. I interpreted this action as an attempt to come down from the orgasmic level of ecstasy she achieved during her “dance of love”. I did not at the time realize that she was in some strange form of shock.

Chops my dear, I owe you nothing! Nada! Got it. From this day forward your incessant demands for food shall go ignored. In fact…if you were starving and I had a full plate of uneaten/ unwanted food I would sooner throw it away than give it to you. Also, to ManNMotion…I think the torture of dancing with smelly, dirty nail/rough hand having, possible parole, “Chicken Man” more than makes up for anything I could have ever done to Chops (my feet still haven’t heeled from that terrible experience!).

This correspondence should address all topics covered in the accusers defamatory statement. Any further questions or comments should be directed to my legal team
C/O: I’ll sue your a**! At 111 You Suck Dr., Looser, Ca 55555.

Respectfully Submitted,
(Chops you know I luv ya!)

~B.E.G~

Okay I know this is way too long, so if you have a short attention span (like Beg & Ja-me) please feel free to only read the bolded lines to get an idea of the post.

Yesterday evening Beg and I went to our first Salsa lesson!

First off let me say that Beg is a great friend! I told her I would come to her house before the class, but she better make me something to eat before we leave for the lesson. To my surprise, when I got to her house she had pulled out the salmon (that she caught herself) and a baked potato just for me!!

When I woke up from my minute nap to her screaming at me, I had a full plate! The potato was excellent (great job Beg!), but the salmon tasted a little…different. I usually broil my salmon and she steamed hers so I figured I was just not used to the steamed taste. Then I reasoned that since I usually buy my salmon in nice neat little frozen blocks from Costco, it could just be that I’m not used to the taste of “fresh” salmon.

Never did it enter into my mind that Beg was actually trying to kill me until I decided to stop picking at the top layer of the fish and just slice down the middle. To my horror the fish was totally raw!!! When I inquired of her why she would serve me ‘not even half cooked’ salmon, she just grinned and said, “I’m trying to kill you”. Okay well maybe she wasn’t that blunt, but she didn’t deny that her motive was to kill me when questioned further!!!

SALSA!!
At our lesson we noticed right off that there were no people of the Latino heritage in the class. Straight away I began to doubt his ability as a teacher. If you go into a Mexican restaurant and there are no Mexicans, wouldn’t you be hesitant to eat there? Better yet, if there are absolutely NO black folks eating in a soul food restaurant, shouldn’t you high tail it outta there so that you don’t run the risk of hurling the flavorless collards into the owners face? The only exception I think is Chinese food. If you go to a Chinese food restaurant and there are ONLY Chinese people there, you better not even sit down. It’s quite possible that you’ll be served something with boiled eyeballs and toes in it.

Back to the class-
The teacher was okay. We went over the basic steps then partnered up. This was the worst part of the class. Beg was coupled up with a bona fide black chicken man. This is a rare breed of black man that has the rhythm of a chicken…shuffling his chicken feet across the room at an uneven pace…jerking his head haltingly back and forth in true chicken fashion.

Beg wasn’t the only one who had a horrible partner. Almost every man in that class had no rhythm, with the exception of (now get this) the white guys in the class!!! Every single white guy (though a little stiff in movement) had more rhythm than the black, Pilipino, and unidentifiable men in the class!! I was beyond shocked, mostly because the black men happened to be the absolute worst in the rhythm department!

I have a new theory: Many people, born for whatever God given reason with no rhythm, have the impression that they can go to a class and learn the technical steps, thereby voiding out the fact that they have absolutely no rhythm. This is simply not true!! The fact is that the rhythmless male dancer is the most dangerous! They prowl the night clubs for unsuspecting rhythm having lady dancers, appearing to be “the real rhythm deal”. The female has no idea what hit them. One minute they have their hopes up that this dance will be the dance of a million fires, the next minute they’re stuck on the dance floor looking like a dayum fool!

See, in Latin dance the man leads and the woman follows, thereby leaving the woman to suffer an entire song dancing off beat if the man is in denial about his rhythmless nature. It’s truly not fair. I think there should be a rhythm test before you can enter a club. This test will result in either a green wrist band (rhythm approved), or a red band (WARNING>>>Rhythm deficient!!). This way the rhythmless dancers can couple with each other and the rhythm having dancers can dance together…OR the rhythmless male with the red band will know that if he asks the woman with the green band to dance, that SHE will need to lead in order to keep the beat.

Anyways, Beg and I have paid for 4 consecutive lessons so we have to keep going. Maybe it’ll get better. Maybe more men will come and they will miraculously have rhythm! Maybe not. Either way, it was cool to get started learning more SALSA and laughing at all the people in the so called “advanced” class. Keep your eye out. Beg and I may be coming to salsa in a local dance club near you!

P.S. I know this is long but I have to recount my first experience in a Salsa club a few weeks ago with Beg and my friend J.

I love salsa clubs! It was so different from the mauling you usually receive at regular dance clubs. There’s structure and sexiness, and lots of spinning!! The only bad experience I had was with this African guy. I still have a problem with retelling it because I was sooo traumatized…hell I’m STILL traumatized!

I had just finished dancing with some really fun guys and then this African guy comes up to me and asks to dance. I was having a ball so I was glad to try all of the moves again. It started up cool. The live music was fast paced and kicking! He took us through the basic steps and then into a quick turn.

Next thing I knew he had me in this tight embrace. My arm was pinned to his chest. I guess you could say we were dancing cheek to cheek. I tried to pull back but he had a really firm grip on me. The more I pulled the tighter his grip got. I figured that I could deal with it for just one song…that is until I began to feel something sliding up and down on my leg. This fool was actually grinding his “Galactic Enterprise” (I’m writing this at work) on me!

Not in a discrete “oh this is just my way of getting into the music” type of way, no! This fool was out and out molesting my leg. I immediately pushed my butt out so that his “acorns” could no longer attain pleasure from my leg.

I caught the eye of Beg who was dancing near me. I kept motioning with my eyes and mouthing for her to please come help me. That bastard girl refused to help me!!! She just looked at me and started cracking up laughing at me!!! She looked as though she was going to bust a gut. I gave her the finger with my free hand and told her where she could go (she later told me that the guy she was dancing with told her that he thought I may need some help, and she told him that she thought it was funny and started to laugh! Bastardo!!!).

Finally the song ended and he thanked me for offering up my innocent leg for him to sodomize and walked away. THEN Beg ran up to me and grabbed my arm. She said she wanted to make sure that he didn’t try to dance with me again…what a jerk!! Now that I was out of that fools Kung-Fu Grip I didn’t have any need for her sorry-ace help! He’d already finished doing his bid-ness on me. Too late now, I was already tainted.

What a friend! She continued her brutal laughing as she watched me walk over to our seat…curl into a ball…and rock slowly back and forth while trying to forget the feeling. Ha Ha Ha. Very funny Beg. Very funny.

You know what? After revisiting that incident, the fact that you baked me a potato means nothing! NOTHING!!! If anything you OWE me a lifetime of potatos!!!

Always in love…unless you’d leave your friend to be molested on the dance floor by an obvious rapist while she’s calling out to you in angst for help. Bastard!

Lambchop~

“I was just awakened by unfamiliar African American footsteps outside my window!” -anonymous citizen-

WTF kind of stupidity is that? What exactly do African American footsteps sound like? Is each step accompanied by a chorus of Little John’s screaming “What!” Does the smell of chicken and watermelon waft through the air prior to said African Americans arrival? Common sense should tell you that it’s normal to hear footsteps if you live in an apartment building…Some people are so ignorant!

Another short work story…. Apparently an elderly female (in her late 80’s) has been spotted (on several occasions) choking and kicking ducks. Yep, you heard me right. Somehow she’s been able to run them down, catch them, and then she chokes the shit out of em’. Maybe she’s just catching dinner.

Last one (I promise), Some guy (who happened to be hospitalized and confined to a wheelchair) decided that he needed a drink…so what did he do? Call his nurse? Nope, to easy. Go to the bathroom and drink out of the faucet? No, wrong again. He decided to climb into his wheelchair, roll down to the nearest liquor store, and buy himself a bottle of Remy. Oh, I forgot to mention that he was wearing a grey jacket, his backless hospital gown, and nothing else. When approached by authorities he refused to go back to the hospital. Nice.

If you want to hear a dumb ass in action click here.

I’m stuck. I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern for the last four years. Nothing changes. Same people, same places, same job, same shit I guess. I’M SO BORED!!! I’m not really complaining…Well I guess I am but damn, is this it? Anyway, to break up all the monotony I have decided to take salsa lessons. After my last attempt at salsa I don’t harbor much hope for success but I guess I’ve got nothing to loose. I’m also starting marathon training this week.

Exactly how many times do you have to tell someone you’re not interested before they get the point?

I think I’ve forgotten how to flirt (or perhaps I never knew how in the first place). I guess I should work on it since I’ve decided that my dating hiatus (scheduled to last until the end of the year) is officially over. I think spring fever is kicking in.

I may have mentioned at some point that I’m in the process of locking my hair. Well, four months have passed since I began this process and my hair refuses to lock. According to my not so knowledgeable loctician it’s not coarse enough and he claims that he needs to add some synthetic hair for it to lock. That is utter BS! That would defeat the whole purpose of going Napptural. I decided that I was fed up with his incompetence and found another stylist. She’s a little strange in an “all natural/ juices and berries” kind of way but from what I’ve heard she’s good at what she does. Here we go again.

I am lovin the newest Zapp Mama Ancestry in Progress, Tweet It’s Me Again (although not as much as the first), Teedra Moses Complex Simplicity, and Donnie The Colored Section CD’s.

I’m considering moving almost 2 hour away from work (each way) so that I can afford to buy a new house. If I stay in the bay area all I can swing is a VERY very small older 1 bedroom condo. If I move outside of the bay I can afford a brand new 3 bed 2 bath…. decisions , decisions …What do you think?

Part of the reason I haven’t been writing much lately is that I don’t have anything important to say. Can’t you tell?

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:

1. You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
2. You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
3. You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
4. No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
5. CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your “assault” must be followed with something like “cause I’m sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!”
6. If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping…..and have a great day!!

NOTE - PLEASE TAKE THE SONGBIRDS POLL IN RED ON THE RIGHT - THANKS!

———————————————————————————

I know that I said I wouldnt blog until after Ja-me next posts, but I had to get this off my chest. I saw on the channel 7 news that a human finger was discovered in a bowl of Wendy’s fast food chili today in San Jose, Ca!!!

Go Here To View The News Video: ABC7 News Top Stories

Here’s the run down: a lady in her 20’s was happily eating her chili (just as I do almost daily). She got a really good spoon full and stuffed it into her mouth. She tried to chew the savory meat chunk and noticed she couldnt bite through it. She promptly spat the thickness out into a napkin and peered at it. And there, in her napkin, lay an inch long finger complete with an intact finger nail! She thrust the napkin onto another patrons table and told them what she had been chewing and sucking on and they began to gag (they too were eating Wendy’s delicious chili). When they went to the counter to inform the employees, they were told that it was just a large vegetable and continued to sell the chili to other patrons. Police eventually came on the scene at which point all chili sales halted.

I am disgusted and appalled!!! I loved that chili!!! Ja-me & Beg can attest! It was just so rich and tangy, so flavorful and meaty! Now I just dont know if I’ll ever be able to look at that little red headed girl the same.

WHO THE HELL GETS THEIR FINGER RIPPED OFF AND DOESNT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT???? Currently the health folks are doing the whole investigation deal by making rounds to all the factories and having the employees show that they arent missing any fingers…so far nothing.

Now I’m thinking…if this could happen to my beloved chili, it could happen anywhere! I know this goes without saying, but it never hit home like this before! I think I finally got the jolt I needed to start a healthier lifestyle.

Goodbye Wendy’s chili. We had a good run. Gas be dayumed! We had such a good thing! But now it’s over. It’s just all over….

Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why????!!!!

This reminds me of an incident I had with my ex boyfriend Mr. Pillsbury Dough Boy (before the circus midget - Click Here To Read About Him: Attack of the Jack ass Circus Midget and The Empire Strikes Back Agains The Jackass Circus Midget) about 7 years ago:One morning I was watching a honey nut cherrios commercial and I was really craving it (BEG & I used to eat cereal all day, every single day…frosted flakes remember BEG???).

I asked Mr. Pillsbury Dough Boy to go to the store and get me some (it’s not like he had any other responsibilities). I explicitly told him NOT to go to the ghetto store on the corner that always had rodents and crack heads hanging around it. He promised…PROMISED!!!

He came back with my cherrios and I dug in. I was shoveling it like a big dawg (I was fresh out of the Army and that’s just how we ate). I wasnt looking at my bowl, I was just going at it. For some reason I decided to look down before the next spoonful hit my lips, and I saw them.

Millions of little larva maggots hibernating inside each and every O with some furry *ish surrounding them!!!! I threw up right there. I was sick for days. We almost broke up over that *ish!! He told me he was too tired to go the extra 2 blocks to the “clean” store for me so he LIED and said he did!

I didnt eat cereal for 4 years straight, and when I first started to eat it again I always-ALWAYS checked it out before I ate…and I mean emptied the entire contents into a large bowl and sifted through it with microscopic vision.

I’m traumatized again. Oh Food Why Cant They Just Let Us Be Happy???

Always in love…unless your sick a$$ will allow a shipment of meat to go out with your detached finger in it without alerting someone, thereby ruining the relationship I have with my local Wendy’s establishment…sick bastard!!!

Lambchop~

Y’all are way too much! I loved reading your comments! My replies were getting kinda wordy so I decided to make them into a new post.

Unfortunately kids dont come out understanding that they should revere authority/parental figures…it must be taught!!!

Praise to all you parents out there that have not crumbled every time your kid cries and tells you they hate you because you wont give in to ridiculous requests that will hinder their growth….

Like my Pastor says, “you either pay now, or you pay later…with interest!”

A Quick One or Two:
My friend actually almost got into a fight with a lady in a grocery store because she saw that the womans little boy was knocking items off the shelf onto the floor. When my friend commented to her about her child, the mother had a fit and started cursing her out! How sad is that? I guess that old saying, “it takes a village to raise a child” doesnt apply anymore.

I believe we (the community -AKA- village) should have the right to beat the hell out of YOUR kids in public if YOU (the parent) wont. There is a fine line between “child abuse” and “discipline”. The difference is that with discipline the parent would explain to the child in a loving way why they have to beat the bejeezes out of the kid so that the kid will understand their part in the situation. This way if the kid passes out you shouldnt feel too bad (you know I’m joking!).

Did anyone see the Nanny on Monday night??? Crazy! There was a little 3 year old boy who only pee’s outside (on the lawn, bushes, plants on the side of the house, curb…etc). The mom actually walks him outside like he’s a freaking schnauzer to do his business on the lawn!! Then she tells the little boy she’s proud of him since he’s making the plants grow!!! The mom & dad have also been sleeping with their kids since birth (the eldest was 7 I think)! I’m telling you, some people are sick.

REPLIES:

Hey Dee:
Girl your usernames are killing me!!LOMAO @ “…and they wonder why lil Shaniqua is failing all her classes and Devontaye jr. stole part of the rent money….”

ManNMotion & BEG:
You know what? If you guys DO have kids I WOULD watch them…as long as they dont act up like BEG’s little brother used to

Youtoldharpotabeatme:
Girl you are too funny! A military chick like me and my family! Oh, and Tiki…please dont kick the kids! LMAO!

Miki:
I’m scared of you! “Give me 30 min with those unruly kids. I would have them scared to breath wrong”!

Shirazi & Courtney Eliza:
Thanks for visiting our blog! Come back now, ya hear!

call2arms:
That’s real. It isnt until their kids are on trial for some horrible crime that they begin to wonder if maybe they should’ve been just a little bit more strict on them.

Singing:
Needless to say, society would probably frown down on beating someone’s kids till they pass out…but if it’s necessary, it’s just necessary

The Saga:
That’s a trip. When I was little (about 7) my cousin, sister and I got our a$$ beat for stealing ALL the tea and sugar packets out of a doctors office. When she beat us, my sister and I knew to cry after the first snap of the belt like our skin was going to fall off, but my cousin had to be a hard a$$ and hold back on the tears!! That caused our beating to go on for a longer than necessary (I guess because my mom had to make sure we really felt it!!)…I still get on my cousin about that!

Ja-me:
On “Beat’em till the white meat show” - I know how you do! I can hear you beat’n them kids over the phone!!

Rainmayun:
I gotta see that video clip! Send it to me if you still have it: lambchops_101@hotmail.com

Tweety:
Girl, you know that woman wasnt trying to sit in the front. She was conveniently sitting in the middle, far enough from the front not to be noticed, but close enough to see. I wish the Pastor HAD said something! That would’ve been hilarious!

Jez Chill:
Toys are good tools, but I think you should just put your rugrat in children’s service to avoid any sporadic outbursts of pleasure while playing with said toys!

Eb:
As Napoleon Dynamite would say, “Luckyyyyy!”

Shawnqt:
You were a counselor at a youth center? You had to have a very high tolerance level! I dont think I could’ve done that - strike that - I KNOW I couldnt have done that!

Dakelzz:
LOL @ “…those will be the ones we see in upcoming episodes of C.O.P.S”! Sad but true!

Always in love…HAVE A GREAT DAY!!
Lambchop~

Oh the wonderful blessing that is technology! It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m at a gig waiting for my turn to sing. To pass the time I’ll write about my issue this morning at Church on my handy-dandy PDA.

I love my church! I love my Pastor, the diversity, the fellowship, the Praise and Worship team , the staff, and seeing all of the wonderful ways God is using this church and the lovers of Christ in it!

Today I learned that there is one small element that I do not like. I DO NOT like rowdy a$$ kids and their insensitive ass parents. (This is not restricted to church, but to ALL public facilities such as movie theaters, restaurants, etc.)

If you happen to be one of said insensitive parents, I do not apologize for this rant. Rather, I’d like for you to use this post as an overdue wake up call.

It’s okay for you to bring your well behaved kids to “big folk” service on occasion. It is NOT okay to bring your loud a$$, bad a$$ kids to “big folk” service EVER!

In service today I ended up sitting in front of 3 very out of hand kids. At the start of every service the Pastor informs any unknowing parents of the Sunday School services, as well as advises everyone that the sanctuary is a “ring free” zone (no cell phones), and to take fussy babies to the sound proof baby area - so in my mind there’s no excuse for ignorance.

Right as the guest Pastor began his sermon the kids started acting a dayum fool. Talking all loud and playing around in and out of their seats. I’d like to believe that the mom couldn’t hear them, but I know she could. She would have to be 99.9% deaf and 97.5% blind to be unable to observe every single annoying antic.

Now some people may chose to believe that experienced parents have the ability to use the parental “mind mute” method to filter out any sounds coming from their kids. I can see how this should be possible while in your own home, but not in public. If you use the “mind mute” in public you’re just plain insensitive. Everyone doesn’t have kids and therefore everyone will not have the ability to practice the “mind mute” method while your kids are running around screaming at the top of thir lungs.

So after shooting about 5 stern looks over my shoulder at the kids and being totally ignored I decided to throw the looks at their momma. I know it’s not very polite to throw dirty looks at folks, but I’m sorry. She was pretty much saying FU to all the people in ear shot of her kids, and if that doesn’t warrant a dirty look then I don’t know what does.

The guest Pastors message appeared to be outstanding, but I wouldn’t know because I was too busy praying that God would continue to restrain my arms to keep them from swinging back there and knocking the bejeezes out of all three of them little bad a$$ monkeys.

Finally they had pushed me to my limit. I actually had to turn and give them the full 1 fingered “shushing” motion, power packed with the loud “shushing” sound, accompanied by the evil, “I’m gonna beat your little a$$ when your momma aint around” look. That shut them up for a few minutes, but of course it started back up again!

What the hell is wrong with parents today? I cant really blame the kids as much as the adults condoning the bad behavior. My mom would’ve beat my a$$ with her mind and then beat my a$$ within an inch of my life with a stick on the way home if I had acted up the way those kids had! These will be the kids who don’t respect anyone when they get older. Who’ll walk up to elderly people and shank ‘em just for asking the belligerent bastards to quiet down in the library. This is an awful state of affairs!

An insensitive parent should be the poster child for condoms. If you don’t have what it takes to raise them right, please…DON’T HAVE THEM!!!

Always in love…unless you let your bad a$$ kids run amuck in public disturbing everyone around them, and you haven’t the common decency to acknowledge my evil eye stare by quieting them down so that I can be fed by the Pastors message too.

Lambchop~

After reading Ja-me’s post I can tell that this week is going to be a challenge. I’m feeling sooooo out of it. I’ve been stuck in this whirlwind of emotions and I’m sick of it. I’ve been brooding over past expectations for my current life. I cant help but feel very disappointed.

How the hell did I get here? I wont get into any deep details, but let me tell you that I cant allow myself to believe that my purpose in life is to rot away in this rat cage. Dont get me wrong-I truly do appreciate all of my blessings, but so much is missing.

I wanted….hell, I WANT more for my life. I dont care to be a billionaire (though I wouldnt complain if I were), I just want my job to be my passion, to be financially comfy and if possible meet someone who isn’t completely deranged. I dont think I’m asking for too much.

I know that 28 isn’t very old, but I just get older and older from here, and I cant imagine my life like this for another 10+ years. I’d like to get out of this rat box full of the living dead and LIVE the life I dream! Alas, my pocket book reminds me that my youthful mistakes have stolen my future. Dayum. That sucks.

Well I’m sure that eventually God will reveal the reason I’m still doing basically the same thing 9 years later, why I’m not fulfilled, why I cry sometimes just visualizing my future.

The upswing is that I have my friends. I thank God for them. But life has a tendency to get more and more hectic. I’m finding that more of my few close friends are getting married, having kids, and moving away. They rarely have much time for their single friends (as it should be), so I find myself fearing life long loneliness (I know that I’m never truly alone with God, but these are my thoughts and feelings for this moment).

At this very moment I’m imagining myself at 45. All of my friends are busy with their large loving families - And there I am, devastatingly gorgeous, sitting at a park talking to the squirrel I’ve named Mr. Snappy. Mr. Snappy and I will have our daily walks in the park and long talks about life and love. We’ll have the occasional fight over food sharing…you know, normal stuff - that is until he decides that I’m too dependant on him and he runs away, forcing me to chase him down and barbecue him. The future’s looking bleak y’all.

Always in love…unless you tell the animal rights organization that I may or may not barbecue a small squirrel in my demented and lonely 40’s.

Lambchop~

P.S. Please note that these are fleeting thoughts and feelings. I do not have any intention of really barbecuing squirrels…this afternoon. But if I ever did it would totally be in self-defense. Go here for more information….KILLER SQUIRRELS. Please look at all of the links to discover the truth!!!

I’m not sure why anyone would be interested in these personal details, but since BEG’s been bugging me about it, I’ve decided to do it. I suppose there may be more to me than my issues with my ex-midget

1. I love God!
2. Jesus is my Lord and Savior
3. I still make A LOT of mistakes, but thank God for grace and forgiveness!
4. I’m obsessed with electronics
5. I dont really know very much about fashion labels or designers
6. I just know what looks good on me
7. I’m not usually very girly,
8. but I do have my extreme girly days
9. I LOVE the guitar,
10. my interest really got peaked when I saw my good friend Paul Fox (aka Foxy) play the guitar when I first joined the band
11. I think Paul was the greatest guitar player EVER
12. Paul died in a car accident on the way to one of our gigs in December
13. I was devastated…I still am
14. But I’m not crying anymore
15. I think BEG is a great guitar player too!
16. I have 5 guitars (1 Yamaha acoustic, 1 electric bass, 2 electric fender guitars, and 1 Martin Backpacker guitar)
17. My first electric guitar was from Paul
18. I won the electric bass (I won 2), the acoustic, a Yamaha Motif 6 keyboard and some other stuff when I won the John Lennon Songwriting contest and these other contests a few years ago
19. I love writing music
20. I love singing
21. I love performing
22. I love all movies - except horror movies
23. I especially love comedies!
24. My favorite ice cream is Daiquiri Ice
25. My second favorite is Chocolate ice cream
26. I’m severely lactose intolerant
27. but I cant seem to stop drinking Jamba Juice (it has yogurt in it)
28. I love all music (classical, jazz, blues, some country, alternative rock…etc)
29. especially music with guitars in them
30. I’ve begun to dislike today’s R&B
31. It’s not very innovative or unique and the lyrics usually suck…my opinion only
32. I love to eat!
33. I eat every 30 mins (or more dependant on what the tape worm wants)
34. I love to talk
35. I love my friends
36. When I have a good friend I try very hard to keep the connection strong for years and years
37. I love dogs
38. I never really liked cats - but they’re starting to grow on me
39. …still, I never want to own one
40. I love my mom
41. but she’s a serious nag
42. when I was about 17 she thought I was gay
43. when I was 20 she thought I was a prostitute
44. when I was 24 she thought I was a whore
45. I was a virgin until 21
46. today she thinks I want to be a nun
47. but I dont
48. I just dont want to date right now
49. I guess because I have so much on my plate
50. and I want to accomplish certain things before I settle down
51. plus I’m VERY picky when it comes to dating
52. Plus I’m celibate (God reasons)
53. My dad wasnt around much growing up
54. he’s coming around now that he’s older and lonely
55. I’m pretty conservative to most peoples standards
56. but I’m not a prude
57. I hate when people stare at me in traffic
58. “You lookin at me? I said, you lookin at me??”
59. I would never date a guy I met in a club
60. I actually dont really like going to clubs anymore
61. I stopped liking clubs about 4 years ago
62. I used to go a lot when I was 15-17 and I was in a dance trio for a rap group
63. I used to be in the army
64. I went in just out of high school
65. mainly because my family is a military family
66. My lola (grandma in tagalog) and grandfather had 14 kids
67. They met in the Philippines when my grandfather was in the military
68. I miss them soooo much
69. My favorite pet’s name was Apricot
70. she was a toy poodle
71. she died when I was in high school
72. we thought she was pregnant,
73. but it turned out she actually had a stomach tumor
74. I cried for days and days
75. I love the Quiznos Sub commercial with the singing rats
76. I want to get married one day
77. but not today
78. I want to have kids one day
79. but definitely not today
80. I sometimes feel a tug to start dating again
81. but the thought of all the time and effort necessary to sustain a healthy relationship turns me off
82. plus all the inevitable drama that comes with it
83. I can draw portraits of people from pictures
84. I like to do it, but it’s not my passion
85. I think I should’ve went to school to be an engineer
86. I have a lot of insecurities
87. but I’m secure in my insecurities
88. I decided to go natural (no more perms) some years ago
89. I love my natural hair now
90. but I refuse to give up hair dye!
91. Boris Kodjoe is BEAUTIFUL!!
92. I’m obsessed with TV
93. I think tv is the Spawn of Satan
94. I once tried to push BEG down the stairs in college (after she tried to drown me)
95. I love road trips
96. especially driving in the wee hours of the morning
97. I love being silly with my girls
98. I want a burrito now
99. No, I want Chinese
100. No, I definitely want a burrito
101. Let me add that I have a slight fear of midgets
102. because of Mr. Circus Midget - every time I see midgets I think they’re planning to swarm around my legs, and begin biting and gnawing on my ankles

I’m thru with this. Ja-me, you better do this now!!!

I’m going back to practicing Barre Chords.

Always in love….unless you plan on gnawing on my ankles.

Lambchop~

Hey BEG. I’m finally blogging so you can stop leaving me those vulgar and rude messages - thank you very much…. On second thought, keep the vulgar, lose the rude

FYI >> I’m adding a few links to this post, so click on any underlined words< < href="http://songbirds.blogspot.com/2005/02/attack-of-worthless-jack-circus-midget.html">Mr.Waste Of Space Circus Midget - left a scent or stain on me (sorta like when a dog pisses on a tree so everyone knows he was there - you get the point). Reason being is that ever since we split the only guys that I seem to be attracting are of the midget variety. Now, dont get me wrong. As I’ve stated in almost all of my posts, I have NO PROBLEM WITH THE VERTICALLY CHALLENGED. Unfortunately, I am jaded so I probably wont be dating anyone under 5′4 again (I’m 5′6) - probably. I’ll never say never (I said I’d never date a midget before I dated the freak)…but I CAN say that it’s most unlikely.

I have a dozen examples of why I’m beginning to consider myself the Queen of the Midget Men, but I’ll just focus on the one that I have to deal with daily - my coworker….lets call him Smeagol.

Smeagol has apparently been into me since he started in our department. I’m a P.M. for a C.C. company (the third Spawn of Satan), and I seem to ALWAYS have a crap load of work to do, whereas he (and others) seem to have the time to take leisure walks all over the office and chat with various individuals for hours at a time….but I digress.

Smeagol’s always finding reasons to walk past my personal rat box (cubicle) to stop in and say, “Hi!” It would okay if the buck stopped there, but no. He then takes it upon himself to launch a long ass conversation about nothing. The man can talk about nothing like no man I’ve ever known. During our long conversations about nothing, he finds a way to slip in very personal questions and comments (I dont have much time to go into details, but I’ll fill you in later).

The most recent encounter:
“Hi Lambchop (he uses my real name)! You’re always soooo busy! Are you busy now?”
“Uhhhh, yeah. Why? What’s up?” (Silly me thinking it could possibly be a work related conversation)
“You look really nice. I really like your hair (it was curly that day). I prefer it straight though…dont ever cut it.”
“Huh?”

Up to this point I was still staring at my computer screen attempting to feign super business and avoid one of his long drawn out conversations about NOTHING. I finally looked up at him and almost choked on my own tongue! I’m not attracted to him AT ALL but today was worse than ever! His face was all ashen and pale, his eyes were bugging out, and his lips were surrounded by a faint red ring.

I cant even describe in mere words the way he looked. It was just painful not to stare at that red ring around his lips. The first thought that came to mind was…could it be a new wild and highly mutated string of the Bubonic Plague? I’m at a loss. It was just nasty. So I averted my eyes as much as possible until he finally got his Lambchop fix and left.

The next day he came by again and to my chagrin the ring around his lip was even darker than the day before!! How in the hell did that happen??? I am sooo confused, and not just a little bit afraid.

Now, I’m not talking bad about people with publicly visible diseases, but if you do have one of those diseases or what “looks” like one of those diseases, it’s probably best if you dont try to get your mack on while your disease is active. Be a true playa and wait until your disease is in remission.

Yesterday it was worse than ever. I’m seriously waiting to see if his lips will actually fall off. Hell, he may just morph into a fly like Jeff Goldblum in the movie “The Fly”. If he does, I’ll be sure to blog about it if I get out of the office alive.

On another note, it’s really interesting the different way in which a white guy approaches women in comparison to black guys. Sometimes its sooo refreshing and sweet, and sometimes it’s just all wrong. I’ll talk more about that in my next post.

Always in love…unless you have an active venereal disease, are breathing all up in my face, and refuse to cover your red scabby ring surrounded mouth with your hands when you cough…ohhh you’re so nasty!!!

Lambchop~

Hiddie Ho!

I promised BEG I’d blog about our girls night out last Thursday, and I will…tomorrow.

First I have to vent (yup, more outta me). I’m actually feeling so much better than last week. I’m no longer PMS’n and the world seems brighter with every passing second. Only, I’m a little disappointed. Have you ever started out the day with a full agenda, then something shiny catches your eye and the rest of your day is spent counting pennies, IOU slips, sellable socks, toe rings and anything else you deem remotely valuable in order to attain said shiny object? That’s pretty much how my day went today.

The PLAN:
1. Up at 8am
2. Gym by 930am
3. Back by 10:30-11am
4. House cleaning till 12pm
5. Rehearsal at 2pm
6. Visit with the folks at 6:30pm
7. Meet up with visiting cousin at 8pm
8. Home about 10pm to prepare for gig tomorrow

My day actually went like this:
1. Up at 9am
2. Signed up for Netflix 2 week trial at 10am (that’s when I got this GREAT idea. I’ll buy a DVD Recorder and finally get rid of all those space consuming VHS Tapes, AND I can dub the all of the rented DV…uhh…umm…I’m just going to use the recorder to dub my paid for VHS Tapes…and that’s it.)
3. Internet surfing for DVD Recorders till 1:30pm
4. Rehearsal at 2:30pm (I’m chronically late)
5. Best Buy store #1 at 6:30p
6. Best Buy store #2 at 7:30p
7. Best Buy store #3 at 8:30p (where I purchased my new Sony DVD Recorder!)
8. Home at 10pm
9. Guilt call to BEG (my over-spending accountability partner)
10. Shameful - nay - despicable cursing relapse at 10:15pm when I discovered I purchased the wrong DVD-Recordable disks!!! ^%$#!!*&^%&amp;%#&^&^&*!!!!

I really have a problem with electronics. I Love ‘em way too much. Electronics are to me what clothes are to Ja-me, and furniture is to BEG. I love it all, printers, computers, cd players, dvd players, vcr’s, electric guitars, keyboards, speakers, heaters, pocket pc’s…pretty much anything you need to plug in . I get all antsy and excited just thinking about them!! Get your mind outta the gutter BEG.

Unfortunately I dont get to play with my new DVD Recorder tonight, but I guess this is just another lesson in the area of patience… God knows I need to get better with that one.

Oh! Ja-me, have you (or anyone else) ever heard of “Ali G”? He’s a white gangsta-rapper wanna-be from the U.K. (an actor), but he actually looks like he’s Middle Eastern to me. Anyways, when I was at Best Buy store #3, the guy who helped me reminded me of him! I had this very strong urge to talk with my “British” accent, but I didnt want to offend him, plus he hadnt yet found the recorder I wanted, and I didnt want to piss him off before he got me my “precious”. “It’s ours and we wants it!” (havent you seen Lord of The Rings?)

Always in love…unless you look like Smeagol from the Lord of the Rings and try to take my precious, pretty precious Sony DVD Recorder…sneaky little hobbitses…wicked, tricksy, false hobbitses!

Lambchop~

Happy Gilmore Quote-
Shooter: “I eat pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast!”
Happy Gilmore: “You eat pieces of sh*t for breakfast?”

I just needed to vent right now. I bought tickets to a concert on ticket Master and requested the BEST SEATS AVAILABLE. The stupid thing showed me tickets and I bought them thinking they were indeed the best. Then on a whim I decided to check again and found even BETTER tickets!!! !&#&amp;$($#))$*%R&%&%)$)#_!!!

I am so pissed right now! I called ticket master and they said they couldnt help me - @#%%#*&(^%%%$%#^U&!!! I’m really pissed. All they had to do is switch me to the better seats! A click of a button would have been all it took. Same price, better tickets. The rat bastards.

Now that I’ve vented I’ll let it go…#@$()&*_)&amp;)**&*%@#*$#@$)_#)$#%$#%($%(*%&_+(*&O)_%$#@%$*)%$*^%%#@!!!!!

Okay, now I’ll let it go.
Stupid Monkey Phunks.
TICKET MASTER IS THE SPAWN OF SATANS TWIN SATINA.

I’m in a foul and crabby mood, so I’m not sending anything out in love right now…especially if you’re the phunkin jerk who created the insanely strict rules at Ticket Master, an unfeeling-uncaring employee at Ticket Master, an advocate for Ticket Master, a relative of a Ticket Master employee, a relative of a Ticket Master advocate, a friend of a Ticket Master employee, a friend of a Ticket Master advocate, the neighbor of a Ticket Master employee…etc.

BLAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Lambchop~

The Empire (me) has struck back against the Worthless Jacka$$ Circus Midget!! (Go HERE to get caught up)

Okay, well maybe “struck back” isn’t completely accurate. The point is that new information is now available regarding my quest to regain membership with my gym.

I called the gym’s corporate offices last week and got confirmation that Mr. Circus Midget indeed cancelled me just as the local gym had stated. I was also informed that “it” inquired about a possible refund on MY membership, but since we had the membership since 2002 we were way past the refund date. Now how sick is that?? Have you ever met anyone as freakin’ cheap and miserly as that? I actually have some additional insight into “its” sickness that I’ll write about later in this post.

So I ask the corporate rep whether she would be able to send me ALL of the information in writing so I can take “it” to court. She said she wasnt supposed to, so in desperation I gave her a brief synopsis of my experience. After she finished gasping in awe at the dastardly bastardness of Mr. Circus Midget she told me to hold on. When she returned she told me that she was going to pretend that I was still on the account and that she would move me over to my own account with the same exact terms as before. I dont have to pay a thing! She told me that what Mr. Circus Midget did was horrible, and that this way I wont have to deal with “it” at all. The only downside is that “it” got away with not having to pay for “its” wife’s (Mrs. Waste Of Space Circus Midget) membership, AND “it” thinks “it” got away with screwing me over.

I’m a little torn about this. I thank God soooo much for blessing me to have received favor from the gym corporate headquarters and I know that I really dont want to deal with the Circus Freak ever again - but I really have a problem with “it” even thinking “it” got over on me. I want “it” to suffer - in “its” wallet that is. “Its” money is “its” heart so that’s where I would like for “it” to suffer. I do have another idea for payback, but I cant very well request that God shrink “it” anymore than “it” already is. I mean, I’m not sadistic.

If I didnt know that God had everything worked out already I wouldnt be able to help but be a little disappointed. I mean, “its” a complete rats a$$ and “its” got this HIGH paying job, and “it” just sold “its” first house as a real estate agent. “Its” prospering and I’m wondering whether or not there’s a future for me in the Pimp & Hoe business (as the Pimp of course).

I keep fantasizing on how God’ll deal with “it” . I do pray for “it” so I guess “it” could change and “its” heart be renewed and “it” become a better person (or thing) through it all. On the other hand, “it” could loose everything “it” owns and end up having to be my Hoe who I will most definitely slap around and disrespect every opportunity I get…. Naw. I am so completely kidding. I do not in anyway support the exploitation and degradation of Hoes. They have feelings and rights just like the rest of us. Respect the Hoe.

Anywho… I wanted to show just how very selfish, stingy and cheap my ex-a$$ wipe the Circus Midget actually is. The best example is the whole paying child support issue. “Its” daughter (until recently) lived back south so “it” only saw her on special occasions and holidays though “it” did talk to her daily.

Instead of paying child support “it” decided to be a total chickens a$$ and set up a checking account for “its” daughter. In theory this sounds nice and generous, but not when “it” makes “its” babies momma call “it” and beg “it” for money whenever their daughter needs things like shoes or supplies. In my mind “its” just as bad as those guys who completely shun their fatherly responsibilities.

The mother of your child has to raise the kid, shape the kids mind, feed them, rear them, deal with all their kid crap and attitude, worry about bullies, work, go to school, attempt to have a life of her own…etc. If I was a babies momma I’d be damned if I would ever “beg” the father for money. If you dont wanna pay willingly, I’ll take it by force…you tight fisted peon piece of crap.

The following are things I hated about dating the waste of space Mr. Circus Midget:

1) Mr. Circus midget was too freaky. Once while relaxing on the sofa watching tv with “it” I couldnt help but to marvel at how “its” feet stopped at the middle of my calf. This makes one feel that they are cuddling with a small child and thoughts of pedophilia come to mind (eewwww!!!)

2) In theaters it is customary in the beginning of a relationship for the guy to wrap his arm around the gals shoulders. Unfortunately because Mr. Circus Midget’s arms couldnt fully reach around I had to sit on the edge of my chair turned slightly away from the big screen just so that “it” could feel like a man. I had a crick in my neck by the end of the flick.

3) Mr. Circus Midget and I went to a concert where it is customary for a guy to stand behind the gal with his arms wrapped around her waist in a lovingly romantic embrace. Unfortunately it isn’t so romantic when you KNOW the guy cant see around you and so he has to keep popping his head out to the side to get a glimpse of the stage pretending he can see just fine. It also wasnt very romantic when I had to end up standing behind “it” with my arms wrapped around “its” waist…

4) Most women love high heel shoes (I’m one of ‘em) and most men (short and tall) love to see women wearing high heels. Once Mr. Midget and I had to go to a friends engagement party and I decided to wear heels again (after a long hiatus). When “it” met me at the front door “it” stared at my shoes for a long time. Then “it” started jumping up and down and flailing “its” arms around while yelling, “Are you tryin’ to embarrass me or something?” It appears that Mr. Circus Midget wasnt as confident as it originally portrayed during the lovey-dovey stage (dirty bastard). “It” ended up walking in front of me the entire party and “it” refused to hold my hand all night.

5) The whole “heels” thing is a big issue to me. I stopped wearing them when I started dating “it” I guess because I could tell “it” had a problem with them. If “it” would’ve been more secure I probably would’ve continued wearing them. My feeling is that if “it” wasnt confident enough to let me be me and wear heels, then maybe “it” wasnt confident enough to be with a taller woman. Maybe “it” should’ve stuck with action figure sized women so that “it” could look like a freaking basketball player.

6) When holding hands with Mr. Circus Midget I hated that his hands were sooo much smaller than mine. It was like holding a young boys hands…read #1 again (eewww!!)

Now I take full responsibility for sticking in there so long with all my qualms about “it”, but in my defense…oh hell. I have no excuse.

Enough outta me.

Always in love…unless you refuse to be responsible and pay child support to the mother/mothers of your child/children.

Lambchop~

Once again I must reiterate the P.S. from my other post:

P.S. I apologize to anyone who considers themselves a midget, dwarf or “vertically challenged” individual who may have been reading this post and were inadvertently offended. I have nothing but love for you all! My ex-circus midget boyfriend was an a$$hole because of his character not because of his height.

I forgot to post for Groundhogs day on February 2nd!! BEG & I celebrated but didn’t post - shame on us.

This is a quote from my all time favorite movie EVER…GROUNDHOGS DAY!!! It stars Bill Murray (genius comedy actor) and Andie MacDowell. If you haven’t seen the movie PLEASE DO! It came out in 1993 and is about a cynical weatherman who’s forced to continuously re-live the worst day of his life until he learns to become a better person. It’s hilarious!

Quote background-
Phil (Bill Murray) delivers this monologue at Hobblers Knobb during the Groundhogs (Punxsutawney Phil) prediction ceremony. Phil (Bill Murray) has grown tired and depressed of reliving groundhogs day over and over again in Punxsutawney, PA (one of my favorite quotes of the movie):

“This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhogs Day used to mean something in this town - they used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You’re hypocrites! All ‘a ya! You got a problem with what I’m saying Larry? Untie your tongue and you come out here and talk. Am I upsetting you princess? You know if you wanna prediction about the weather, you’re askin’ the wrong Phil. I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold…it’s gonna be grey…and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

In case you were curious, go here to find out the real life Punxsutawney Phil’s weather prediction.

Happy Belated Groundhogs Day!!!

Always in love…especially on Groundhogs Day!!!
Lambchop~

This post is about my jack @$$ circus midget of an ex-boyfriend - I’ll call him Mr. Circus Midget as he was quite shorter than me and has the worst case of short mans complex I’ve ever seen.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
PLEASE NOTE THAT SOME VERY STRONG LANGUAGE WILL BE USED IN THIS POST. VERY NEGATIVE REFERENCES WILL BE MADE AGAINST A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED, CRAPPY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE ON IF YOU CANT HANDLE THE EXTREME EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS OF A WOMAN SCORNED. I’M NOT USUALLY THIS VULGAR OR CRUEL AND WILL DEFINITELY PRAY FOR PEACE ON THIS SITUATION BEFORE BED, BUT I’M HUMAN AND I HAVE FEELINGS THAT MUST BE PURGED. FOR EVERYONE WHO CAN HANDLE IT…READ ON AND EXPERIENCE MY FRUSTRATION WITH THIS NOTORIOUS BASTARD._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Today after work I was feeling really stressed so I decided to go to the gym. I haven’t gone for awhile but I’ve been ramping up to go and today was going to be my new start! Well I went into my local branch, and to my surprise that @$$hole Mr. Circus Midget had cancelled my membership!!! What a phucking d%ck!

The branch manager told me that Mr. Circus Midget went into another branch and cancelled my membership so that he didnt have to pay big bucks to get his new ghetto fabulous surly wife (that’s a hoe ‘nother story) a gym membership.

Of all the foul, crappy, underhanded, sneaky, evil, weasel-like sh*t-headed things to do! I am so freaking angry I could crap rubber duckies and razor blades. After all the sh*t I did for that selfish-stingy-cheap-monkey phuck-infinitesimal piece of crap! I had to endure him treating me like crap, stalking me for almost a year (almost daily 1, 2 and 3am calls to all my phones 1 & 1/2 years after we broke up), cussing me out when I finally called him to tell him to please stop calling me and waking me up every weekday morning, etc.

I actually wouldn’t trip off of his actions if he had bought the membership for me and I was just living off of his dime for these last 3 years, but that isn’t the case. We signed up for our membership as a couple. He wanted to pay with his credit card and asked that I pay him with a check for the full price of my membership ($650.00). So he didn’t do anything financially for me (as was the case throughout our relationship). So the fact that he would have the phucking audacity to cancel my membership without even telling me and add his dead-beat wife in my place is just driving me to shake. So pretty much I’m paying for his wife to go to the gym! I didn’t marry that heifer! What a bastard.

When we were together I paid for EVERYTHING. Anything we did I paid for myself and most times paid for him too because I was soooo in lu-u-uv (stupidity at it’s best). I just enjoy doing things for the people I love with the thought that they’d do it for me too if they could (sucker).

Even though I was struggling I tried to help him out financially because he had a daughter and a house and he always complained about how much money he was shelling out on his responsibilities - “Babe, can you just pay for “this” or “that” cause you love me?”

He makes waaaaay more money than me…I’m talking like at least $50,000 more than me a year and I don’t own property, I’m hella broke and I’m trying to figure out which one of my lovely friends houses I can “borrow” some food from (Ja-me…whatcha cooking tonight gurl?).

Unfortunately, because he was “Primary” on the gym membership account he had the right to do what he did, but thank GOD for checks! I found my carbon copy of the check I wrote him and now I can order the endorsed check be faxed to me in the morning. That’ll get his warped a$$!

Ja-me was the first person I told when I found out. She sweetly offered to ride up to his house with me (with her kids in the back seat) and kick his midget a…well, I wont go into any details.
Another friend offered to fill up balloons with eggs and egg his house, car etc. Yet anther friend suggested we fill up balloons with cat crap and throw them at his house. My cousin offered to go to his house and break every other bone in his body. But the best yet was my girl BEG. She offered to find a way to have all his utilities cut off and I think she may have said something about burning his house down…or maybe that’s just what I wanted to hear.

If I was a different person I would totally have done at least one of the suggested retaliations on that midget jerk, but I’m not. Instead I’ll just send him a certified letter and request he either reimburse my $650.00 or put me back on the account and let the gym’s corporate headquarters separate our account (which is what he should’ve done in the first place). I’ll give him 30 days then I’m going to take him to court. I’m sure that’ll surprise the hell out of him since he thinks that I’m too nice to do anything about it.

I’ve been praying for him and will continue to. I don’t wish any ill will for him even though I’m still very very very upset about how messed up he is. I really just want what’s rightfully mine…my freaking gym membership.

They need to dedicate the drink “Slow Screw Against The Wall” to me, cause I really feel like he’s been slowly screwing me over for the last 5 years.

I feel a little better now, but like a sufferer of tourettes syndrome I might blow up again, so I better sign off now. I really pray there are at least a few decent men left in this world!

Always in love…unless you’re an underhandedly cruel jerk of a circus dwarf who takes advantage of those less fortunate than you then pisses on their good intentions and faith in the male species.
Lambchop~

P.S. I apologize to any midgets or dwarfs that may have been reading this post and were inadvertently offended. I have nothing but love for you all! My ex-circus midget boyfriend was an a$$hole because of his character not because of his height.

Hey BEG & Ja-me - I have a new post dedicated to the Love Fest for 2005. Please read it and if possible put on Peter Cetera’s song “Glory of Love” from the Karate Kid soundtrack.

I have decided that this should be Love Fest 2005’s theme song…with important CAPITALIZED changes that eliminate any insinuation of lesbian lovin’.

This is just a theme song. I still very much enjoy the company of men
________________________________________________
“Tonight it’s very clear as we’re ALL STANDIN’ here
There’s so many things I wanna say
I will always love you IN A NON-LESBIAN WAY, I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you cryin’
I don’t wanna lose you AS A NON-LESBIAN FRIEND, I could never make it alone

I am a NON-LESBIAN FRIEND who will fight for your honor
I’ll be the NON-LESBIAN FRIEND you’re dreamin’ of
We’ll live forever, knowin’ together
That we did it all for the glory of NON-LESBIAN FRIEND love

You keep me standing tall, you help me through it all
I’m always strong when you’re beside me
I have always needed you AS A NON-LESBIAN FRIEND, I could never make it alone

I am a NON-LESBIAN FRIEND who will fight for your honor
I’ll be the NON-LESBIAN FRIEND you’ve been dreamin’ of
We’ll live forever, knowin’ together
That we did it all for the glory of NON-LESBIAN FRIEND love

Like a NON-LESBIAN FRIEND in shining armor from a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to OUR NON-LESBIAN FRIEND castle far away

I am a NON-LESBIAN FRIEND who will fight for your honor
I’ll be the NON-LESBIAN FRIEND that you’re dreamin’ of
Gonna live forever, knowin’ together
That we did it all for the glory of NON-LESBIAN FRIEND love”

Always in love…especially if you love the Karate Kid theme song!
Lambchop~

I think this is way too long for a comment so I made it a post to you BEG -
(Oh! I put new pictures in the flickr photo album on the right - from when we were younger)

OMG! BEG I am seriously tearing up over here. I’m not even joking. That was beautiful and I am so glad I had the opportunity to hear (see) it without forcing it out of you

Honestly though, you know that you’re a big-big part of my life. As hard as I’ve tried to get away from you (oh how I’ve tried), I just can’t seem to do it. You’re a great friend. Even through our fights and homicide attempts you’ve always been there for me too.

I guess this is a good time to thank you (again) for always writing to me when I was in the army; keeping me up on the latest crew trash; being there for me through every break up (remember the day you took me to the beach when I broke up with the over stuffed Pillsbury Dough Boy and we sang our old tunes to the sea, or how you took me in for a few days when I ended my quest to begin a family with that midget in the circus?). You’re always supportive of your crazy friend and I appreciate it.

You have a heart of gold my friend, brains of a boar with the attention span of a fly, but a heart of gold none the less. In all seriousness though, I’m blessed every day that I get to be a part of your exciting and humorous life.

I guess I realized a long time ago that long after our husbands have died from our horrible cooking and we’re decaying at an alarming rate, we’ll be rooming together still trying to find new ways of drowning one another. Ah, good times…good times.

Love you BEG aka Bacon. You’re more talented and beautiful than you’ll ever even know, sis. You really do inspire me. And don’t worry. Everyone knows you have yet to get over your hugging and touching phobia.

(You know I love you too Ja-me, but since I talk to you hourly I’ll tell you in a few

Who’s turn is it to call KK aka Kris? Tell her I love her too!

Always in love…unless you disrespect my girls.
Lambchop~

How is it that people can make it through their entire lives without having to grow out of that overly sensitive-needy phase? I have a few friends that are so needy that I NEED to take a break from them from time to time.

One of my friends is worse than all the others. He is totally clingy and sensitive about everything. Once I received a voice mail message from him but couldn’t call him back for a few days. He was sooo upset! In a nutshell he told me that I should check my messages regularly and that I’m rude and insensitive for not returning his call promptly and that I’d better improve on this shortcoming in the future. He didn’t care to ask if I was okay or if I had something big going on in my life that would prevent me from calling him. No. It was all about HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM - his feelings, his hurt, his loneliness, his needs. So my response was, “Aren’t you married? Don’t you have a spouse? Don’t you have someone who, by law, has to be there for you when you’re lonely, bored or horney? So why are you calling me???”

Okay, so I didn’t say the last part, but I should have. That kind of neediness makes my pits itch and my skin crawl. I can’t stand it when people put that kind of pressure on me. It’s annoying and unrealistic. They aren’t calling because they really want to take the time to find out how I am. Usually they’re only calling because they’re bored and just want to find someone to fill the ever present void in their lives.

This is why they get so pissed when you don’t give them the time they think they so rightfully deserve; or why they cant seem to get over you having to cancel a planned get-together (regardless of the reason). I find it funny that these same people expect you to be okie-dokie when they tend to disappear for extended periods of time once they find something or someone else to occupy their precious time.

A few of my friends have actually told me that they don’t think I “have anything better to do” because of my marital status. Now, I may not be married, I may not have rugrats (I mean this in the best possible way as I really do love rugrats), and I may not be involved at the moment but that doesn’t mean I just sit in a corner of my house twiddling my toes and trying to figure out if I can really make my bum grow 2 sizes in 10 days like the ad says (does anyone know if this is possible?).

Surprise-surprise! I have a life just like all the married with children people out there. There’s work, God, work, school, work, homework, work, bands, work, guitar lessons, work, guitar practice, work, food, work, sleep, work, work, work. As you can see my life is as full as anyone else’s. So if I don’t return your call IMMEDIATELY don’t take it personal and don’t lash out at me. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think my activities are as important or significant as yours! They’re significant to ME!

Gone are the days of Jr. High where you would disown your best friend if she missed one of your long drawn out monologues on how much you lu-u-uv (love) your boyfriend. We’re adults now with adult responsibilities and higher priorities. Get with the program fool.

These retards are still my friends, but they take so much work, time and energy that I tend to shy away from them causing them to get even more pissed at me. With all the normal stresses I have in my life I don’t think that stress to maintain a “friendship” should be one of them. All the pressure involved in some of my many friendships makes me want to crawl into a hole and become a hermit.

So BEG & Ja-me, if I don’t return your call or don’t answer my phone for a period of time it’s because I’m recuperating from one of my draining friends who don’t “put in” but constantly “pull out” (BEG - get your mind out of the gutter, please).

Always in love…unless you drain me dry.
Lambchop~

Okay-
This is a post I created back on January 9th, 2005. I had to remove it due to circumstances I’m unable to disclose at this time. I’m reposting because I feel the need to restate my feelings on grubby food tasters (see my ‘Final thoughts on food’ at the very end of the post).

Many may not agree with me (like B.E.G), but the large number of folks who do agree please let your voices ring to very roof tops of this slobber sharing society! REVOLUTION IS ON THE HORIZON MY FRIENDS!!! A NEW DAY IS DAWNING!! KEEP YOUR FILTHY FORKS OFF MY PLATE….VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!

Always in love…unless you eat off my plate (this is a very important reiteration).
Lambchop
____________________________________________________

January 9th 2005
First let me say that I am ever so thrilled to be off of work for 7 full days!! Don’t hate

So I finally finished my painful packing experience at 11am this morning. Surprisingly enough I got all of my clothes into my one big bag. Of course I needed an extra bag for my hair products and accessories, but that’s a given.

I called the airline to determine if I could get my Martin Backpacker Guitar onto the plane with no trouble and I got some bad news. Unfortunately my guitar is about 28inches and the overhead compartment is 24inches, so I was S.O.L. Being me, I decided to take my chances with the guitar and said an extra prayer before checking in.

God is just so good because I was able to sneak the guitar on and luckily the case is black so the stewardess didn’t realize it was sticking out from under my seat.

Speaking of stewardesses, what the hell is up with the bitchy help? I am mostly, almost always kind to people and I very nicely asked that she clean my soda can (it was covered with dirt). She looked at me like I should be glad I got a soda in the first place…better yet, I better be glad they let my black a$$ on the plane and in the front no less!! In the end of course she said that she’d be back, but she never came back!

Instead of causing a scene and getting removed from the plane at 20k+ feet I decided to get ghetto with it and use the water in my water bottle and a napkin I happened to have. It worked but I was really annoyed.

Tonight I went out with my girl D and we had a lot of fun. She took me out to karaoke! It was my second time ever (B.E.G. took me and Ja-me and Kris to a gay piano bar not too long ago).

The karaoke bar was a very interesting place with very mystical creatures. I feel like an explorer off visiting foreign lands, observing the native peoples and learning of their ways. These “natives” were very pleasant. My initial impression was that they were not unlike you and me, however as the night progressed and the booze line got longer I became aware that this is simply not the case.

I think the highlight of the night was when a group of guys got together and dropped their pants. I thought it was funny at first. I laughed along with everyone else, until I realized they had no intention of putting their pants back on at all. Then I became terrified as they inched their way closer and closer to our table. Luckily they were mesmerized by some shiny object (light reflecting off of a fresh bottle of beer) and immediately changed their course.

Overall it was a cool night. I didn’t sing, but I think we should go karaoke soon (NOTE TO BEG). Preferably to a place where people keep their clothes on all night. I know I’m asking for a lot, but I’m asking anyway.

I’m really not sure what I’m doing tomorrow, or for the rest of my vacation week, but I hope it involves a whole lot of sleeping. That’s the problem with staying at other peoples houses while on vacation. You cant sleep as long as you want, you cant lounge all day, you cant walk around in the raw if you want. It really sucks. But the upside is that you’re saving a whole hell of a lot of money!

Final thoughts on food:
I love my friends, and would do almost anything for them, but I do not love:
a) sharing my food (I truly enjoy eating a lot, and I suspect that I have a tape worm so I really do need the extra food.)
b) If I decide to share inspite of what the tape worm is telling me to do, PLEASE let me get you your own fork and allow me to put the food onto another plate for you. I HATE when people eat off my plate. If I dont have an extra fork or plate available you might as well not ask for some.
c) I hate when people ask for a “taste” or a “bite”. You know damn well that after you get your little “taste” you’re gonna want more. Why even torture yourself like that cause I have no problem watching you watch me eat. Just do without this time around, then next time when I offer to buy an extra one for you, you’ll take my offer.

Well that’s it for now.

B.E.G.:
“Do the chickens have large talons?”

Je-me:
“This is Rebecca Bloomwood of successful Savings”

Always in love
Lambchop~

Now this might sound strange to some of you, but if you really think about it you’ll see that it’s true….Television is the Spawn of Satan!!

I really am beginning to loathe it. I’ve even tried not watching it for a week. I lasted one day - strike that, I made it a whole 5 hours. I sat in my room reading a book, and every now and again I could feel it calling out to me to turn it on. Clear as day it was talking to me, “Turn me on! Think of what you’re missing! It’s not hurting anybody. Do it. Do it. Do it…” I tried to ignore it and focus on actually using my brain, but soon I couldn’t help but to crumble. I really wanted to see what happened on the newest episode of Scrubs. I love that show….

I’m sooooo weak. This is why I have yet to watch the newest and most acclaimed shows on today (i.e. desperate housewives etc). If I watch I wont be able to stop cause I’ll reason that I’ve already invested my time in getting to know the characters.

I probably could have mastered the guitar by now if I didn’t watch so much TV. I usually try to watch TV and practice at the same time which of course doesn’t really work since you cant hear the TV when practicing. So I tried to read the TV subtitles while practicing and that didn’t work either. As Winnie the Pooh would say, “Oh bother”.

I know the TV is just lovin the fact that I don’t go to sleep until after midnight each night because I get caught up watching Becker (you should check it out, it’s hysterical!). I can hear it laughing at me as I attempt (emphasis on ‘attempt’) to get up early so that I can get in some quiet (prayer) time, and get to work by 7am. I dont even know why I try cause it’s obviously just a pipe dream. Currently I get up at about 8am and do some half-ass’d prayer in my sleep wake state, and make it to work just before 930am if I’m lucky. Of course it’s down hill from there.

One of the voices in my head keeps telling me that I’ve really got to do something about this TV addiction. I’ve contemplated removing it from my room but I’m thinking this is too rash a move. I mean, where would it go? I have a TV in every single room, including the garage! Sick. I know.

I covered it last week with a towel and that seemed to work for a while until I saw that a corner of the TV was exposed at which point I promptly got up to cover it - which caused me to touch it - which led me to turn it on - and there you go. I’m an addict, what can I say? Knowing is 1/4th the battle…. DONT JUDGE!!!

Tonight I’m going to try again. Maybe I can make it all night. I don’t want to give up TV altogether. I just don’t want it to have such power over me. If I really tried to analyze it, I guess I’m really bored and unfulfilled in a lot of ways. When the TV’s on I guess I can forget that I’m not where I really want to be in my life. Thank God I don’t want to analyze it.

A special quote from the Chronicles of Winnie the Pooh:
“I don’t see much sense in that,” said Rabbit. “No,” said Pooh humbly, “there isn’t. But there was going to be when I began it. It’s just that something happened to it along the way.”

Always in love…unless you’re a television.
Lambchop

Okay, I have to comment on “Mr. F” aka “Fuffy-Fuffy” bka “Flavor Flav” and “Gitte” aka “Brigitte Nielsen” in the series “Strange Love” on VH1.

I’m appalled! It’s insane! The first time I saw the show was by accident. I was channel surfing and happened to pause at the sight of Mr. F snuggling up to Gitte. What a sight! The best way for me to describe it is to liken it to how a malnutritioned, gold toothed, miniature beaver would look straddling an oversized naked panda bear. As I took a minute to process what I was seeing (a show that glorifies lunacy) I couldnt help thinking to myself, “Only a complete moron would watch this crap”.

After I’d finished watching every single rerun in the episode recap I came to a very startling realization…I’m an absolute moron.

Bieng the product of a biracial family I have no qualms at all about the interracial aspect, it’s the fact that two obviously clinically insane individuals are allowed to roam freely in society that blows me away.

Have you seen the show??? I just cant even believe Sly Stallone was married to Gitte!! I would love to have been a fly on the wall of dear ol’ Sly’s room when he watched Gitte and Flava hooking up on The Surreal Life. Hilarious!

I hate that I’m hooked on “Strange Love” cause Flava seriously embarrasses me and Gitte seriously frightens me. Still, I thank God for the crazies. May they continue to keep my most monotonous days somewhat interesting.

Always in Love…unless you’d attempt to eat off of my plate.
Lambchop

Praise be to God! I woke up this morning and realized it wasn’t a dream! I really AM on vacation! Woohoo!!!

I just got up and it’s almost 11am. Lovin it! My friend D is out at work until 3pm today so I have her place to myself. I just put in “The Corrs” cd and I’m ready to tell you about yesterday.

So I slept late yesterday and when I did get up all I could think about was food. I walked to the store and wanted to buy so much but I had to remember I had to walk the 3 blocks back to D’s house. I was really nervous because I usually don’t even walk down my own residential street, but I was pretty sure that I could make it. Now if you added another block or two to that I probably would be dead in a ditch somewhere around here because I overestimated my physical condition.

I pretty much just ate and ate and re-watched Napoleon Dynamite while D was working from home all day. At about 7pm she had to go audit an acting class (did I tell you she was an very talented aspiring actress?). When she got back about 10pm we rushed to make it out to Vince to go to this Jazz restaurant (live band!!).

See that’s what I love about LA. You can go out any night of the week and expect the club/restaurant to be open until about 2am! This would be an excellent thing in the bay, specifically for BEG (the vampire worker).

The club was excellent! I loved the ambiance (oohh la la) and I loved the band. The club was multicultural (which I love) and way smaller than Yoshis (Oakland) but it was able to hold a good deal of diners, drinkers and eclectic dancers.

When D and I walked in there was a large group of guys standing at the door. They obviously realized just how fierce we were cause they all kept staring as we made our way through the crowd to the restroom (I had my hair in twist outs and D is so fly with her bald head!).

We ate dinner and watched the show. We made sure not to sit too close together as not to give off the impression of being lesbian lovers (probably would have given us a lot of play though).

I really had to admire these very “fair” folks in the front row. They were just moving and swaying and dancing as much as possibly allowed in their chairs. Though they were severely off beat they did their thing! Without a care in the world they let it all go! That’s really cool.

There was this guy across from our table who I felt was looking at us, so I glanced at him and was just shocked at how attractive he was. I have to admit that it’s very rare that I see “fair” guys that I’m attracted to other than on the TV or movie screen, but this guy was really “W’hot”. He had dark hair and a really great profile (italian I think). I didn’t want to look directly at him because I didn’t want to catch his eye. I’m firm believer that you need to see the whole face before making a decision on whether to flirt (reference Blacksheeps song “strobe light honey”). So I asked Dawn to see if she could get a better look from where she was sitting - discreetly. At first she said that he was “w’hot” but then she said she got a good frontal look and it was very deceiving, so that was the end of that. I finally saw for myself that she was right, but man was his “profile” w’hot.

So as the end of the night began to loom, D and I were approached by some guys that I had peeped watching us from the bar earlier. The guys found a booth directly behind us and the more outgoing one turned and asked us “Did you guys eat here? Was the food good?”

Now let me say that this was a very retarded thing to ask because as I said, I saw them watching us shovel our faces with food on and off all night, so they knew dang well we ate there. Secondly, the restaurant was no longer serving food as it was about 1am and they close at 2am, so why the hell do you want to know if the food is good NOW???

Anyways, the guys name is Kwasi (he’s from Ghana- African) and his very quiet, very drunk friend’s name is Joe. Kwasi was a riot. He told us that his last name was Kunta Kinte. We didn’t believe him at first but then he kept on saying it was true, so eventually we were like “Oh. Sorry. Well isnt that nice”. Then he said his full name was Kwasi Mandingo Kunta Kinte. At that point I realized that he was severely deranged in need of a good therapist.

D and Kwasi seemed to kick it off, talking about different countries and the like so I excused myself to the restroom since I’d been holding it for a looooong time. When I got back the scene was the same. D and Kwasi talking intently while Joe sat there on the side looking lost, abandoned and defeated (poor thing).

When I sat back down D decided to go to the restroom too. When she left Kwasi got all close to me and started asking me personal questions. I asked him about what he did for a living and what was his passion. He works as a Business Analyst during the work day and a photographer when he’s off. We talked about passion for awhile and laughed a lot. Later on during the conversation he asked me what type of shoes I had on. I said boots and he decided to put his hand on my ankle and work his way up to my knee (supposedly to determine how long the boot was). He told me that I know I shouldn’t have worn the long boots cause they’re way too sexy (Riiiiiight. That’s only a little bit cornier than his opening line).

He asked me about my “boyfriend/children” situation and I told him I had 5 kids. He told me that’s soooo sexy and he wanted to get my number. Hell, maybe my ex-boyfriends current wife was onto something there! He told me he had 7 kids and we should combine and have our own village. I just went along with it cause I knew he had to be kidding. He then told me that we could allow inbreeding in our little village. Once again an alarm went off in my head that this guy, though he seems really cool, is a total freak. I had to be honest and tell him his comment made me very uncomfortable and I was becoming very concerned about his mental health.

He told me he was inbred, and was totally serious. He said his dad married his first cousin and they produced him. Unconsciously I started to inch away from him. Not that it would have been his fault, but he might have an extra leg or foot or something worse hidden somewhere out of direct view. Of course he was just messing with me.

But anyway, D finally got back from the restroom and a very short conversation she had with silent, drunk Joe. I asked Kwasi to take a picture of D and me and he willingly obliged. He was really into it and took like a billion pictures (almost all of which I surprisingly looked HORRIBLE. I’d love to blame it on the photographer but I cant…can I?). I took a few pics of D, Kwasi and Joe and then Joe took some pics of D, Kwasi and I. Kwasi kissed D on the cheek in one pic and kissed me on the cheek in another. I told him he must mistakenly think he’s a pimp. He didnt laugh. Very disturbing.

Finally we left and he asked for our numbers. I gave him my home # cause I rarely answer that phone anyway. It’s not that I didn’t think he was cool but I think he had some serious underline issues. I gave him the right number though cause he was really nice and as a friend I think he would be really cool. But if he turns into a stalker I can program my phone accordingly (a constant issue for me - just because I must attract the crazies).

D and I talked on the way home about guys. The mutual consent was that confidence is the key. Kwasi was a good looking guy. He was dark chocolate and he had really pretty eyes. When I saw him earlier he didn’t do anything for me, but when he went out on a limb (a very corny limb) and approached us with this respectful confidence I had to say I was very intrigued and attracted. Joe wasn’t as confident. He pretty much let his friend dominate the entire conversation with TWO women! I’m sorry, you can be a good friend and let your boy have a try at the girl he’s been eyeing, but TWO girls? C’mon now. He left poor Joe looking like the odd man out. That’s just ridiculous. I didn’t find Joe attractive but I think that he would at least have been mildly attractive if he’d have been more confident. This is probably an ongoing issue with him. Hope he gets it together!

So D said she was waaay attracted to Kwasi physically, but wouldn’t date him. I said I was attracted to his confidence, and still wouldn’t date him. Something about a man who could or could not be named Mandingo Kunta Kinte, could or could not have a pesky shoe fetish, could or could not have 7 kids, could or could not be into inbreeding his future kids, and could or could not himself be a product of inbreeding just doesn’t do it for me. I guess I’ll keep on waiting for Boris.

So for all you guys out there (normal or not), remember when you see what you want, go for it. Just be VERY respectful and kind. Even guys who most girls consider not very attractive can get a big boost because they didnt just gawk at the girl, but they actually approached her respectively. Now, after that’s done, the key is knowing when to walk away. Don’t stick around trying to monopolize her whole night unless she makes it VERY clear she doesn’t want you to leave. Besides, mysterious is just as sexy as confidence….notice I said mysterious, not underhanded and dog-like. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give her your home number and months after the relationship has started still not let her see your place or meet anyone you know. That’s not mysterious, that’s just plain stupid.

Enough rantings. I can sum this whole blog up by saying confidence is soooooo sexy!

Have a blessed work week y’all. I’ll have a great vacation week! Don’t hate.

BEG - D said there was some ethiopian restaurant in SF like the one I went to last night. We gotta try it.

Ja-me - did you finish the book? That Rebecca is off the hook!

P.S. I love my girl with my whole heart. She’s like a sister to me, but I’m getting soooo sick of her eating off of my plate I could scream! At dinner she took her used fork and rolled it around my entire plate to get an ample amount of lettuce and ceasar dressing on it. Luckily I was just about done anyway. Man that’s sick! The thing that gets me is that like me, some people arent cool with that. And being that this is true you would think more people would be considerate enough to ask before they take it upon themselves to soil your good food with thier germ infested slobber. I repeat that I have no problem sharing, just not off of my plate. I’ll buy you one so we both can enjoy our meal in peace. AAAHHHH!

Always in love (unless….well you know)
Lambchop~

I am now officially a blogger! Thanks B.E.G. for adding me as a team member. Your persuasion techniques failed when attempting to get me to create my OWN blog account, so I thought I’d throw you a friggin bone.

Anyways. This is going to be short since I’m trying to pack for my trip to L.A./Encenada!!! I’m probably the worst packer in the free world so it’s going to take a long time and it’s going to be horrible….Envision a slow, agonizing death.

So B.E.G. my first blog is about you. How could you hurt me like this?? How could you possibly think that I would say anything to slander your character on your (now “our”) blog?? Do you think I’d tell the world about your special hiding places? Or maybe about your many fetishes? Of course NOT! I’d never do anything like that!

You, my very old friend, are a FRIEND THAT HURTS FRIENDS. You suck. But for some reason I still love you like a baby turtle. You do have your good points.

Back to packing. What the hell do I pack??? Oh trick it! I’ll just try to fit my whole wardrobe into my suitcase and seal it with duct tape….yup….That’ll do pig - that’ll do. And I wonder if I can get my Martin Backpacker Guitar onto the plane tomorrow? It’s a travel guitar but it’s pretty long. Oh well. We shall see.

Always in Love…except when I dont like you…
Lambchop!

To BEG:
“Is he whot (hot)?”

King Of The Hill Phrases Of The Night:
“You ready to gimmie my hoe back?”
“From now on the only woman I’m pimpin’ is Lady Propane, and I’m trickin’ her out all over this town.”